woven and spun

I have moved!

2008-05-27T10:20:00.012+10:00

Dear friends,

I have finally made the move to Wordpress! Please come join me at my new home: genevievejohn.com

I can't wait to see you there!

With love,
Genevieve

PS. Please update your RSS feed if you use one!

seasons change

2008-05-21T20:34:00.003+10:00

The heaters have to be turned on at night. In the day, scarves and gloves protect from the cold. Summer seems far away now and i can't believe that a few months ago, i walked to the beach in a tank top, shorts, slippers and hat. It is hard for me to see the days getting shorter and shorter. This week, i've had to turn on the lights in the house at 4pm.

The upside to all this of course is the food: breakfast out with my husband-coffee, hot chocolate, banana bread and sourdough with a poached egg, baked beans and chorizos- on Tuesday morning before he works from home for the day. Pumpkin soup with a dash of allspice and nutmeg for dinner. A quince and pear crumble for dessert this Friday. All serve to offer comfort for cold bodies.

Today, i met Jena for coffee. I have come to rely on our weekly catch-ups to keep me on track with my life. I need someone whom i can talk to about my relationship with Jonathan knowing that it will not be part of next week's gossip session. I need someone to help me on this journey that is sometimes difficult and who will not judge or persecute. So, for rekindled friendship, i am grateful.

I asked Jena if i could please take some photos of her at the beach this afternoon after coffee, The afternoon light was delicious and she is a beautiful subject. We only had five minutes but it was worth it. I felt happier and so much more in tune with myself after our little session.

And that's how i know that photography is a big part of my life. I love it so and i feel excited after to see how the photos turned out. I've got an eye for good shots and lighting and i think with some studying, i may actually be quite proficient with the technicalities. In the meantime, i must save for a camera. The Canon DSLR i have been using for the past few weeks was on loan from a friend and tomorrow, i must return it.

But in a short time, it has revealed to me what i already know but found hard to believe- that i can follow my passions; that i can be good at many things; that nothing is impossible.

Somewhere there is a place where we belong

2008-05-10T18:09:00.006+10:00

We're talking about moving to the country in the future- wide open spaces, a big house, planting our own flowers and vegetables, a porch, our children being able to run around freely, seeing the sky stretched out into forever.

I cannot wait.

In the meantime we go to the cafe. We have chai and some toasted pear and raspberry bread with butter. We talk. We take photographs. We read books on interior design. We dream. And we have faith that our dreams will come true. In the meantime, we also plant pansies and more herbs for the shared garden in the back. The smell of fresh earth and the act of planting under the afternoon sun remind me of what is to come.

those things that are simple and true

2008-05-07T14:45:00.005+10:00

It's been quite a week, battling with the voices in my head that tell me the dreams for my life will never be fulfilled. Some days it's easier to deal with them; refute them. Other days, not so.

When we went to the Blue Mountains two Saturdays ago, we found a place that seemed to belong to another world- autumn leaves strewn everywhere, a stream, a wooden log table and bench, quiet. It was 'the woods' i had read about in books as a child. There was something magical about this place and i imagined having this as my backyard. A place to go to when i needed to escape; a tyre swing to swing into the heavens above; seeing my reflection in the water below.

Yesterday i watched 'Made of honour', only because it had Patrick Dempsey in it. $9 well spent if only for those eyes and that smile. The movie itself was mediocre. It was nice getting a McDreamy fix in the middle of the week though. Only four days till Sunday when Grey's airs.

When the previews started (i like to go to movies early to see previews), the one for 'Sex and the City' came up. Don Henley's 'The heart of the matter' was the background track playing, except it was a female singer singing it. Today, i found out that it was India Arie whose music i love. Since buying it on itunes, i have been playing it on repeat. It's so good. And i can't wait for the movie to come out!

Dinner last night was beautiful- toasted turkish bread and a lovely creamy camembert for starters. Then a tuna and olive pasta with fresh herbs and a glass of red wine.

Saying grace with my husband before eating. Intimate conversations with lots of laughter thrown in just because. Watching the Gilmore Girls together (he pretended not to be interested but i could tell he was). Being carried to the bath. My body cocooned in his, feet tangled up together as we fell alseep.

There are so many good things to look forward to.

Autumn in the Blue Mountains

2008-04-30T12:37:00.006+10:00

We made another trip to the Blue Mountains last weekend as one of my two favourite aunties was here visiting me for a week. We had the bestest time taking the scenic drive along Bells line of road (what a strange but lovely name for a road) and visiting Leura which was filled with the most beautiful Parisian-style homeware stores. Saturday was also the first day in weeks that it was sunny and there was not a cloud in the sky as we walked merrily down the streets together, exploring a different town and bathing in the beauty of autumn.

drawn to you

2008-04-18T09:47:00.003+10:00

It is still raining. All i can think to do is sit in bed and read with a cup of tea on the table beside me. Currently, i'm reading Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies and Anne Bartlett's Knitting. They keep me well occupied.

(I dream of red Maple leaves falling to the ground all around me. I do.)

On food and nostalgia

2008-04-16T10:39:00.003+10:00

Yesterday, after baking some bread, i decided to try making halva, a dessert often made in India and which my grandmother and auntie faithfully made every year to usher in the Indian new year.

(Lightly toast 2 cups of semolina and set aside. Brown 1 cup of cashews in olive oil and set aside. Bring 4 cups of water to the boil and then add 7-9 tablespoons of caster sugar and some saffron powder to the water. Remove from stove. In a saucepan over medium heat, melt about 50g of butter or ghee. When melted, add in 1-2 teaspoons of ground cardamon. At this point, you should get a wonderful aroma. If not, add in more cardamon. Stir in the toasted semolina and mix well. Then slowly add the sugar water, making sure to stir well simultaneously to avoid lumps forming. Add the cashews and stir. Once thickened, remove from heat and place in a 8 x 8 dish. Flatten with the back of a spoon and let cool. Eat with some sweet tea.)

It made me feel very close to my grandmother and my auntie as i cooked this, knowing that they had cooked it many times before. As the smell of the cardamon hit me, i was taken back to my auntie's kitchen where all sorts of sweet things were made with love. As i had my first bite of the halva, i could almost see myself in her kitchen, sitting at the table as she cut me piece after piece to eat.

it's a blustery day outside

2008-04-15T13:35:00.003+10:00

When it's sunny, i think of the rain and how nice it would be to walk in it with a pretty umbrella, a trendy canary yellow trenchcoat and some gumboots.

But when it's actually cold and rainy outside, all i can do is stay inside with my bathrobe on and do warm things like bake bread and make coffee.

As i write, the smell of baking bread (Irish soda bread with raisins and caraway seeds) is wafting from the kitchen. There really is nothing more comforting on a cold day than this. Obviously, The Baker's Apprentice has inspired me in more than one way.

friday afternoon

2008-04-11T15:34:00.007+10:00

It's a beautiful autumn day outside. I put on my new backpack and walked to the library with a list of books to get.

I love that i have to walk 20 minutes to get there, each step made sweeter by the thought of finding books that will transport me to another world for a few hours.

I ended up with eight books and began my walk back home. I took a detour into Birrel St so i could have my treat for the week- a mini cupcake and soy cappucino from 'We take the cake'. The girl at the counter suggested a black and white cupcake and ordering that and my coffee, i went to sit outside on the wooden bench seats, with olive green and chocolate brown cushions on them.

Unzipping my backpack, I spent a few moments trying to decide which book to start with. Judith Hendricks' The baker's apprentice won me over with its pretty cover. What a lovely, lovely way to spend a Friday afternoon- reading a novel about bread and relationships, savouring the taste of a sweet cupcake and using a spoon to eat the chocolate powder and foam on my cappucino before the first sip.

Walking home, my thoughts settled on making a pretty floral tablecloth for my dining table.

It was a sweet little adventure for a quiet Friday afternoon.

morning sky

2008-04-07T15:22:00.003+10:00

We woke up early to catch the sunrise on Saturday. What a beauty! This was the first time i had actually seen the sunrise in its entirety and it was a glorious experience. I felt on top of the world as i watched the sun slowly start to illuminate the water.

Braced for colder winds

2008-04-04T11:15:00.002+11:00

I went for a walk this morning and it was cold, the sort of cold that made me wish i had worn my gloves. It's all so strange then to see the flowers outside my sunroom blooming. Apparently (I read this in the papers), plants were confused by our cold, wet summer and now think that the slightly warmer (maybe last week, but definitely not today) and drier autumn means that it's time to be flowering. I find that to be quite funny.

On Wednesday, i decided to try out Heidi Swanson's anzac biscuit recipe. It's not a traditional recipe as these biscuits are usually made without orange rind but the inclusion of the rind and some orange juice made these biscuits smell heavenly when they were baking.

And they were just the thing for afternoon tea, paired with some Harvey Nichols english breakfast tea (a wedding present from Rachael which i have only just tried but have since declared it to be the best english breakfast tea in the world) in my new tea cup that Jon bought me. Such simple pleasures.

I saw the sun's rays shine through a layer of clouds this morning and light up the ocean. I could barely speak. Sights like this move me in a way nothing else can.

Yesterday, i had chai with Jena at Gertrude & Alice. Easy, comfortable conversation with a good friend over some tea and coffee can soothe the soul.

Nichole Norderman's "Every season" always, always makes me look forward to sunsets and the sweet smell of dusk.

not a cloud in the sky

2008-04-03T14:45:00.002+11:00

It's cold and windy outside but oh, how blue the sky is! And nary a cloud in the sky. So beautiful!

easter weekend

2008-03-25T10:46:00.002+11:00

I spent lots of time resting with Jon this easter weekend and it was really nice. On Friday, we made some toasted meusli (granola), which turned out to be so good, we ate it in two days. Jon brought it to me in bed on Saturday morning when i was feeling too lethargic from my cold to do anything. I pomptly went back to sleep after breakfast and woke up at noon. We spent some time walking by the sea and Jon drove me around to look at people's houses (because that makes me happy). On Easter Sunday, we did church and then a roast lunch at a friend's place. Yum.

Yesterday, we cleaned the house in preparation for some guests we're hosting this week. And then, we went to Gertrude & Alice for tea. It's a beautiful bookstore cafe and i'm always so inspired to write when i'm there. Jon found us some good seats and we browsed through a Jewish bible, the Moosewood cookbook (must buy it soon!) and the Wind in the Willows cookbook (so very charming). Jon had an iced chocolate with ice-cream and i had a soy chai which was made just right. What a beautiful afternoon.

Later that night, we sat in bed and talked and tickled each other. It was the perfect way to end a four-day weekend.

tea for two

2008-03-21T19:58:00.002+11:00

It's been a cold and rainy Good Friday and i'm coming down with a cold. But tea and some raspberry and coconut muffins with my husband in the afternoon make this day much better.

(This photo was layered with a texture courtesy of NinianLif)

looking up

2008-03-20T15:24:00.003+11:00

Jon and i were going to the beach one day when we saw a man walking hurriedly down the stairs. We watched as he walked briskly down and into his driveway, where his children ran out to meet him screaming "Daddy!" with the sweetest joy that only a child's unadulterated feelings can produce.

Two days ago, as i was walking, i stopped to take in the ocean view. It had been a cloudy and drizzly morning but the sun was just beginning to come out and it was beautiful. As i looked down, through some bushes and trees, i made out a man and a uniformed girl sitting on their patio having breakfast together (she seemed to be spooning some cereal into her mouth) and enjoying the view and each other. I watched them for about 10 minutes before i tore myself from that scene and walked away. I think it was the same man Jon and i had observed before and it made me feel so happy that here was a man rushing home to meet his children; here was a man having breakfast with one of his girls. This is what life is.

Oftentimes now, as i walk, i peer into their patio hoping to see them. I haven't again but i notice other fathers- holding their daughters' hands and walking them to school; loving on them; playing with them; being with them.

cloud watching

2008-03-18T20:09:00.003+11:00

Early evening. I put on the symphony. From my dining table, i can see the clouds outside. I am having coffee and trying to read a magazine but the clouds are too distracting- those shapes, changing as i breathe.

Breakfast options

2008-03-17T15:34:00.003+11:00

This morning, i was inspired to contemplate extending my breakfast menu options to more than just toast and coffee. So far, i have come up with: meusli with pear/peach, yogurt and skim milk, oatcakes with honeyed ricotta and blueberries, sourdough with scrambled eggs and porridge with banana and brown sugar. Since it's easter week and hot cross buns are everywhere, i think they would make a nice breakfast treat as well, especially when toasted and buttered lightly.

In other news, i finally got my hands on Tessa Kiros' Apples for Jam. After deliberating for months on whether i should get it ($70 is quite a bit of money to spend on a cookbook), Jon took my $40 Borders gift voucher that Lisa had given me for my brithday last year, topped it up and bought it for me. We both love reading it and looking at the gorgeous photographs. I especially love reading it at the dining table after a swim, with a cup of chai and a cookie.

morning swim

2008-03-12T12:35:00.002+11:00

It was a beautiful morning for a swim. The water was quite cool but it was so lovely to have the sun shine down on us. Then, a warm shower. For morning tea, some homemade chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and a cup of chai while the wind dried our hair and made the windchimes dance in tune.

The white linen curtain blows gently in the wind

2008-03-11T11:31:00.004+11:00

The smell of freshly cut grass outside is just what i need right now. Even the sound of my neighbour, Jim, cutting the grass is welcome. I am still in wonder of creation. Every flower, every blade of grass is like healing balm to my soul. Yesterday, i swam at the beach. The cool water was refreshing. Watching the waves come in in the evening reminded me that all was good.
Today, i read and re-read Psalm 27.

"My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.” (Ps 27:8)

So much longing in that verse. It amazes me that the God who created the universe wants to converse with me. He wants to spend time with me.

I can hardly find the right words these days to decribe how i'm feeling. What i write is a tiny, tiny reflection of what i want to write. But i can say this: I am so happy that my dear Yuling received my gift. She is such a sweet soul, deserving of every happiness that i am certain this life will bring her. And also this: Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and i am so excited!

[And, yay for bigger photos!]

Flying

2008-03-10T10:31:00.003+11:00

Oh, how beautiful it is this morning! I went to the beach for a walk at 7am, the autumn sunshine warm on my back even at that hour. I had a cup of coffee outside on the verandah with my bible in hand but found that i could hardly read a word. I was simply in awe of every single thing around me- the spider web, the clothes on the washing line being dried by the breeze, my pink slippers, the blue sky, the clouds, my herb garden, my cup of coffee, the music playing on the radio inside.
All i could think of was "Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Tuesday night

2008-03-04T21:24:00.004+11:00

I feel so good.
It's night time. Jon is watching the cricket in the living room. I am in the study writing and reading. My feet ache from all the walking i did today but a nice, warm shower has made me feel relaxed. Dinner tonight was some french lentil soup with saffron yogurt and baked polenta which was so nutritous and yummy. I got the recipe from Heidi Swanson.
Right now, i'm eating chocolate pudding with Tahitian vanilla ice-cream and feeling like i'm finally beginning to understand myself.

I dream of beauty i have never seen yet i feel the sweetness here and now

2008-02-29T12:14:00.005+11:00

The last day of summer is cold and blustery. It is time for winter jackets, scarves and gloves to be brought down from the shelves- always a bittersweet thing to do. It's been a whirlwind summer around here with very few hot, hot days that used to be common and more rain than anyone ever expected. I still find myself trying to settle in to now. It's been a little harder than i thought it would be but i am hopeful about what will come next.

This morning, i went for a walk in the cold and it was beautifully refreshing. I had some toast and jam and Morning Tea from T2 for breakfast. The little pink roses Jon bought me yesterday sit in the vase on the table, making me unbelievably happy.

Maybe i am settling in better than i give myself credit for. Maybe i am better than i give myself credit for. Maybe i am that confident and beautiful and intelligent and creative and sensitive woman that i oftentimes have trouble believing that i am.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

2008-02-28T11:50:00.005+11:00

Harsh words were uttered back and forth last night until sleep rescued us. In the dark of the night, it all seemed frightening. Tonight, a chance to make things right again.

Sunday blues

2008-02-24T22:15:00.002+11:00

I've spent the whole of my Sunday lying down and feeling so sick because of my cramps. Thank goodness it was a Sunday and Jon was by my side the whole time rubbing my back and telling that it was all going to be ok, which it was after a blackout and mind-numbing pain. My friends Cheryl, Ursula and my pastor, Fini, came and prayed over me, which was the best feeling in the world. The pain just lifted after that. I can't believe i had my pastor in the house and everything was a mess around me but oh well. I love that i belong to a church where the leaders care enough about you to come over to your place and make sure everything is ok.

A happy day picture to remind me that i will feel better tomorrow.

cupcakes

2008-02-23T20:14:00.005+11:00

I've found the best cupcakes in the world and they're just a 10 minute walk away from me. We got the vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting and the red velvet cupcake from We Take The Cake in Queens Park and oh my goodness! They're SO good! The cupcake itself is light and flavourful but the frosting is amazing, if a little bit on the sweet side. It was such a nice treat for a very autumnal Saturday afternoon and i can't wait to go back to try another flavour. It's actually a cupcake cafe so i might try eating in the next time with a cappuccino to keep me warm. Sounds like just the right activity when wintertime is upon us (With Jonathan singing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" in the kitchen right now, maybe winter will be here sooner than we think!).

confidence

2008-02-20T11:34:00.002+11:00

A little bit of autumn in the trees surrounding me and with that, it's another time of transition. I would really love to be working right now- not only to contribute financially to my household but also for personal fulfillment. I know it's not easy to get a job without much experience but i'm certain that something will come up soon. Meanwhile, i get to enjoy the last days of summer doing what i love- breakfast after a walk, hanging up the washing, reading voraciously, writing, exploring and dreaming about the days to come.

To my Valentine

2008-02-14T12:09:00.003+11:00

To my Valentine,

I am so glad i waited for the right one to come along. You treat me like a princess- massages at night, washing up after dinner, playing the guitar for me, encouraging and supporting me in everything, writing me love notes every morning, buying me flowers and Real Simple, staying home from work to take care of me when i'm sick, forgiving me so quickly when i've been nasty and loving me like i've never been loved before. I thank God every day for you and i will love you for all my life, and heaven too.

Love,
Gen

Sunday day trip

2008-02-11T12:46:00.000+11:00

Jon and i went up to the Blue Mountains yesterday for a daytrip and we had the bestest time! The drive was lovely (as they always are when i don't have to drive), the weather was beautiful and the air in the mountains was cool, crisp and so clean. I couldn't stop taking deep breaths and wish i could have bottled it up for when i need some refreshment.

We went to the town of Leura, which was very pretty but touristy. I got a pretty coaster and an old issue of Australian Country Style ($1!) to bring home with me. We also had a lovely lunch there. I had the goats chesse and caramelised onion tart which was incredible. Then, we headed to Echo Point at Katoomba to see the Three Sisters, a rock formation. The view was breathtaking!

I will never forget this trip. I felt so close to God, surrounded by the waterfalls and mountains and to have my husband, my best friend there beside me holding my hand and chatting about life...i would not exchange it for anything.

I had me a handsome driver

The beautiful drive

I love tree lined streets

A little church that was too pretty to drive past

Us at Echo Point

Mt Solitary (I felt drawn to this mountain only to find out later that it was called Mt Solitary- perfect for this season in my life where i feel the need for solitude very strongly)

The Three Sisters

Jon at Echo Point

Wentworth Falls

I could not capture the splendor of the mountain in this picture

I love creeks

My little suburb and an afternoon coffee

2008-02-08T16:58:00.001+11:00

I love the suburb i live in. It's a fairly affluent one in the eastern suburbs and it is nothing short of a miracle that we managed to find a little apartment to rent within our budget. It's got such a great community feel to it and is surrounded by other equally lovely suburbs like Clovelly. I live so close to my favourite beach and love going there for walks and swims. I love that i can walk out of the house and breathe in the ocean air. I love how fresh the flowers smell. I love looking at all the beautiful houses and wondering which one will be mine in the years to come. Living here has been so good for my spirit and now that we've found an amazing church just 5 minutes away, i really don't think i can ask for anything more. Today, i walked to my new favourite cafe, Clodeli and sat down with the dream journal that Jon and i share and ordered a soy latte. A cool, autumnal change is definitely in the air and i thought having coffee and doing some writing was in the cards. I had such a nice time jotting down my dreams and visions and on the way home, took some photographs of pretty things. A splendid afternoon.

It's a cookie baking sorta day

2008-02-07T16:39:00.000+11:00

It's been raining everyday for a week and all i want to do is bake some chocolate chip cookies, have some tea and curl up on the couch with a good book. The cookies are done (sooo good) and the book is out. All i need now is the tea. I love how the rain slows everything down and forces me to prioritise. And i am prioritising a good read and some cookies now.

This morning was lovely. I went to the beach for a walk and then went out to the verandah of my home to have breakfast. The sky was blue and the cool wind was refreshing. I felt so at peace with myself and my surroundings as i sat there having my raisin toast and sipping my tea.

It's times like this that i need to remember and savour- the way the wind cools the body in midsummer; buttered raisin toast still warm from the toaster; tea made just right; indescribable peace and content despite all the uncertainty in my life right now; "Who's going to drive you home tonight?" on the radio.

The moment is captured in my mind.

A burning memory

2008-02-01T10:01:00.000+11:00

The rain that fell last night was much welcomed. It has been a hot and humid week and it was nice to be refreshed by the cool air. As the rain fell, i lay on the couch with the windows open and listened. I put some of my old CDs on and listened to (mostly sad) love songs.

Yes, it was that kind of night. It made me remember all those rainy nights back in Singapore when i would look out of the window and pray for a boyfriend. Nothing happened as planned but by a strange twist of events (or God's divine timing), i landed in Sydney, fell in love and got married.

But there is always something more that i want. Something else to dream about and hope for.

And now, we've come to the first day of the last month of summer. Soon, i'll have to take out the coats and scarves and put away my slippers. It's always bittersweet for me to do this. During the cold months, it seems like spring and summer is so far away and then when it gets here, it disappears so quickly.

But this year, i really want to enjoy winter. I complain too much when it gets cold (probably because i've lived in the tropics most of my life and am still not used to seasons) but i want to notice the beautiful things brought to life in the cold this time around. Maybe a new red coat will help me enjoy the season better as well.

There are so many things to look forward to and everyday i tell myself that if i can just forget about the bad and trust that God holds my future ever so gently in his hands, things will be so much nicer for me.

Pretty things

2008-01-17T12:43:00.000+11:00

I love that my husband celebrates his successes by buying me flowers and then arranging them for me. Add that to the $5 vase i found at the thrift store and you've got a woman content.

pray without ceasing

2008-01-16T10:45:00.000+11:00

More courage
More kindness
More tenderness
More patience
More letting go
More forgiveness
More intimacy with God
More rest in God
More creativity
More effective communication
More being myself

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested.

- 1 Chronicles 4:9-10:

Trust

2008-01-15T11:27:00.001+11:00

I don't have to worry any more
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection

- Leigh Nash, Ocean size love

a beautiful Monday wedding

2008-01-08T12:44:00.000+11:00

We attended the wedding of our friends, Jena and Stephen yesterday. It was a beautiful, casual, non-traditional wedding and we had lots of fun. Jon and i even participated in an egg race during the reception! I know Jena and Steve will go on to accomplish many great things as a couple and that their love for each other, so evident to everyone around them, will be a blessing to many people.

Lazy afternoon

2008-01-04T14:31:00.000+11:00

Our wedding was shot on both film and digital and i have only recently managed to copy all the images on film to a CD. The album we got from our photographer consisted solely of images on film and they are extremely beautiful. Here are some of my favourites:

it's a very lovely morning here in Sydney

2008-01-03T10:37:00.000+11:00

It is such a beautiful day here today and i am happy. I love seeing my clothes dry merrily in the sun and wind and had a good laugh when i saw the fruit salad face my husband left in the fridge for me.

Summer breeze

2008-01-02T11:00:00.000+11:00

It's summer and everything is bright and beautiful. The sky is so blue; little tufts of clouds sit content in the blueness. The smell and sight of the ocean, its magnificence, remain intoxicating- the currents too dangerous to swim in but beautiful to look at. All the fruit in the market inspire me- strawberries, raspberries, apricots, plums, nectaries, peaches; all so juicy and ripe, they scream "It's summer! Eat us! Indulge in our sweetness". The sun shines warm upon my face, the wind at my back*. The windchimes in my kitchen make a sweet sound when the summer winds blow, its sound a gentle accompaniment to me when i sit in the living room and read. All is as it should be. There is peace.

*An Irish blessing i love

Happy new year!

2008-01-01T13:50:00.000+11:00

We had a great New Year's eve watching the fireworks from Jon's office at Milson's point. We got the best view! Everyone raves about the Sydney fireworks and now we know why. It was breathtaking!
The journey to and from Milson's point will always be remembered- many drunk people, the trains being so crowded that you couldn't even move an arm, women showing so much skin it was unnerving, random people being annoying. You could tell it was New Year's eve!

We came back with a pizza in hand and proceeded to watch the countdown on TV. It was nice being alone, just the two of us. We prayed, called my family, yelled out 'Happy new year' to our neighbours next door and had a glass of wine.

It was a nice start to the year.

This year, i want to swim lots, run lots, read widely, take many, many photos, rest well and work on building my marriage.

Michael Buble tickets

2007-12-10T13:19:00.001+11:00

I FINALLY get to see Michael Buble in concert! And ROW 8!! ( Jon insisted that he come along with me to keep me in check- in case i walk up on stage and offer to marry Michael. I do have dreams of him (Michael) singling me out to go on stage so he can sing to me. Ah....it may happen.)
Only 6 months to go.

Beach day

2007-12-06T10:13:00.000+11:00

I do love myself a good Sunday at the beach- eating fish and chips, drinking coffees and chocolate milkshakes, lying on the towel and reading, dipping my feet in the water and then sand everywhere. What's not to love about the beach?

storm clouds and tea

2007-12-04T20:40:00.000+11:00

Having tea (in my Starbucks mug) and a cupcake on the veranda, with Tracy Chapman playing in the background, and watching the storm clouds come in make me happy. Just so peaceful.

Date night at Ramen Kan

2007-12-04T12:34:00.000+11:00

Friday date nights with my husband make me happy, especially if it involves yummy food.

Toast and tea

2007-11-30T14:36:00.000+11:00

Hot, buttered toast and earl gray tea in the mornings make me happy. Freshly showered, sitting by the window, letting the cool air soothe my body and that first bite of toast- there's nothing like it.

Flowers make me happy

2007-11-29T17:12:00.001+11:00

Seeing these beautiful yellow flowers as i drive past always makes me happy. They're so vibrant, so full of life.

Foolish heart, looks like we're here again

2007-11-25T20:20:00.000+11:00

What a mess I've made of my existence.

But You love me even now

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty

Cause You see the real me.

- Natalie Grant, The real me

So many people love you baby, that must be what you are

2007-11-21T17:00:00.000+11:00

Today, i had cuddles in the morning. Today, i had good cup of coffee. Today, i had morning tea in a beautiful building with a good friend. Today, i wore a pretty dress. Today, i took a detour during my walk. Today, i walked past a cafe where something sweet was being baked (i could smell it). Today, i sat and watched the ocean. Today, i turn 26. And i'm happy. A great family, great man by my side and great friends near and far. Really couldn't ask for anything more.

sunsets and other comforts

2007-11-07T12:43:00.001+11:00

I wait for him as he gets ready for bed, watch him climb in next to me and then let out a sigh of content as he wraps me in his arms.
Every night, i fall asleep on Jonathan's chest. It is my favourite thing to do.

That i may not cause pain

2007-11-06T10:11:00.000+11:00

It's the sort of day where all you want to do is have a quilt wrapped snugly around you, take comfort in a cup of chai brewed with soy and honey in your hands and watch a Gilmore Girls DVD. It's so cold, almost winter-like. I got rained on coming home from my walk and took respite in a cafe. A hot shower made me feel better, as did breakfast.

One of my favourite bloggers, Christina from my topography had a poem by Dawna Markova on her entry for yesterday and it really resonated with me. I really do want to fully live my life but it is just so hard sometimes. Insecurities get in my way. Fear and anxiety get in my way. A desire to impress gets in my way. Dissatisfaction gets in my way. Harsh words get in my way. Unforgiveness and resentment get in my way.

I am trying to make this week better, starting with building my relationship with my husband. Like getting up early and making him breakfast, really listening to him when he talks and encouraging him.

Yesterday was nice. He waited for me at the bus interchange after work and all i could think of as i was getting off the bus was "i can't wait to see Jon". I walked up to him, gave him a kiss, and said, "i'm hungry".

He treated me to a hot chocolate and almond croissant at the Starbucks nearby.

That made me feel so special. I knew he was tired and probably wanted to get home but he still listened to my needs and insisted that i get a bite to eat. And then we went to the supermarket to get a capsicum and broccoli because i had forgotten them during the big shop for the week the day before. One of the magazines i read every month was out too so he got that for me.

(I was watching Oprah and Reba McEntire was on. She performed a song called "The only promise that remains" with Justin Timeberlake and i fell in love with it. It is true. Love is the only promise that remains when everything else fades away. Also listening to Delta Goodrem's "In this life", which some of the girls performed in church the other day. It's a secular song but it really makes me feel like i'm talking to God when i'm singing it.)

We walked home hand in hand, talking about random things.
It was such an excellent day, being good to each other.

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of failing or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

the house we call home

2007-11-02T17:12:00.000+11:00

some photos of the house:

somebody show me

2007-11-01T12:03:00.000+11:00

In the past three weeks, we've gotten married, moved Jon's things from his place to my place, went on our honeymoon and then moved from my place to our own place.

The past week has been difficult, as moving usually is. I've tried to be as serene as possible, taking things as they come. Unpacking was frightful. I hated it. And all that mess.

But now, it's nice. Our own place. A 10 minute walk from our favourite beach. The house that almost landed at our feet when we weren't looking. Beautiful timber floors in the hallway and living area. Carpeted rooms. So much storage. A sunroom attached to the master bedrom where i intend to place a daybed. A big kitchen. A veranda. Lovely, lovely neighbours. A shared lawn where our flowers have nicely settled in and are waiting for some coriander, mint and parsley to join them. It's such a peaceful house, exactly what we need at this very moment. Some peace.

I've carved out my own spaces and activities- sitting on the couch with my feet up, some english breakfast next to me and the rustling leaves outside for company. When the wind blows, the heat of almost-summer is made bearable; the kitchen where i can spend all day looking out of the window or gazing out on the garden whilst i cook or wash the dishes. The vase of flowers on the kitchen trolley. When the late afternoon sun comes streaming in through the windows there, everything feels like it's going to be ok; the bathroom, which i love. Not huge but just right. A bath. Light green handtowel. A four tier cane and white cabinet that holds everything. My magazines on the cabinet. A small vase of flowers. Casuarina home fragrance from Crabtree and Evelyn. Our goggles hanging up; the sunroom which i have so many ideas for. To sit in the morning, with the sunlight on my face. All breezy and beautiful.

It's taking a lot of getting used to, being married. But at the end of a long day, when i'm snuggled up in his arms in our bed, it all feels right.

wedding photos

2007-10-21T10:07:00.001+10:00

Some wedding photos i got from my friends. I can look at them all day long!

the wedding

2007-10-14T16:06:00.000+10:00

So. I got married on Friday and it was just so beautiful. We had a thunderstorm the night before and i couldn't sleep the entire night, wondering if it was going to rain during our outdoor ceremony.
On Friday, there was no rain although it stayed cloudy. I felt disappointed that i didn't have blue skies but amazingly, just when we were getting prayed for by the pastor, a strong ray of light broke through and shone right down on us. What a miracle.

I had the bestest time ever on my wedding day and relished every single moment. It was a huge party that i wished could go on forever. I had a huge smile on my face the entire time! Lots of laughter, very personal and very casual. Pictures to come as i get them.

I am just so happy to be Jonathan's wife! I love looking at the two rings on my finger and feel my heart skip a beat when i see a ring on Jon's finger.

Can't wait for our honeymoon tomorrow in Melbourne!

changes

2007-09-26T18:43:00.000+10:00

When i know that it's time for a new season, but i'm stuck in the current one because of circumstances, i find it hard to be patient. I get grumpy, upset, restless and a general sense of malaise comes upon me. I start to fight the situation i'm in. I start to feel just that bit hopeless because nothing seems to be changing; things are not happening as fast as i want or need them to. It's such a terrible feeling and all i want to do is move on, pack everything away and regain some peace and quiet. To spend the evening cooking to some of my favourite tunes without anyone turning the TV on and interrupting me; to dance with Jonathan in the kitchen as the sun sets- just the two of us in our home; to be able to leave my magazines lying around if i choose to...all these little things that are beginning to seem so far away now just as it's getting closer to being a reality. This is the paradox i live in now and i just can't understand it.

the beach

2007-09-26T10:44:00.000+10:00

I wish i could spend some time everyday at the beach- to find peace, to find strength, to rediscover my faith, to feel the sand between my toes, to let the cool water wash away the anxiety.

lullaby

2007-09-12T14:38:00.000+10:00

Jon and i had a really fun pre-wedding photo shoot with Julie, our wedding photographer last weekend. Here are some of my favourite photos from the day:

When troubles melt like lemon drops

2007-09-10T11:43:00.000+10:00

I made Jon climb on a wall and pluck me a bunch of jasmine flowers yesterday at Rushcutters Bay. Now i have them sitting in front of me and they make me happy. Jon also bought me a big bunch of flowers on Thursday. They sit in my bedroom and continue to bloom. Today, another lily opened up. Saturday, i went to confirm my wedding flowers with the florist. The daisies we're growing for our reception are blooming and we've stopped pruning them so they can flower abundantly and look pretty for everyone. I have had two dreams of flowers. They seem to consume me these days.

For breakfast today, i had swiss muesli with strawberries, creamy vanilla yogurt and soy milk. It made me wonder why i paid $11 for the exact same meal (minus the strawberries) at a cafe last week.

I had a great weekend with Jon. We had a public holiday in Sydney on Friday so it was even sweeter. It rained most of the time, except for Sunday afternoon when it cleared up for good. But we still managed to fit in a coastal walk on Friday morning, where it seemed to be that there was a patch of blue sky above us and only above us, when we sat down on the rocks to enjoy the sound and sight of the waves. Everywhere else was grey and thundery. It was just so nice to be able to sit down and do nothing but enjoy nature and each other. We also saw a rainbow. I savour these moments that we carve out for ourselves, to stop and listen and feel and touch and see. I also watched "We are Marshall" and "Finding Forrester" on DVD and enjoyed them very much.

It seems that everyday, someone asks me how the wedding planning is going. I truthfully say that it is going well. We have nothing much left to do. Some days i wish we could skip the wedding and move on to the marriage part. Over with the hoo-ha and back to reality. Jon tells me that i would most certainly hate it if that were to happen and he's right. If i close my eyes, i can see my friends and my family in the garden. I can hear the music playing and my dad and me walking down the aisle. I only feel joy when i think about it. And really, i want that ivory dress and sahara roses and to have pancakes for brunch! It's a dream that has somehow become real, through an unfathomable sequence of events.

But some days are brighter than others. Some days, i take comfort in a cup of tea and the flowers surrounding me, bold and bright and beautiful.

Meanwhile, spring continues.

When you taught me how to dance

2007-09-01T17:24:00.000+10:00

It's the first official day of spring!
Welcome spring.

Almost there

2007-08-29T10:21:00.000+10:00

Just three more days before it's officially spring but already, the weather has been absolutely spring-like. Beautiful sunny days, interspersed with fresh breezes. Flowering trees. So much green.

In embracing the season, I have decided to nurture my body, soul and spirit. I have been doing long walks in the morning and then opening all the doors and windows when i get back home to let in the sunshine. The simple act of opening makes me feel better- no more shutting out but letting in- letting in the good, the lovely. I put on some jazz and sit down to a leisurely breakfast whilst spending time with God- swiss muesli with strawberries and soy milk or wholegrain toast with butter and honey and some English breakfast tea. And then i read blogs and start on my work, taking a break if i need it. A freshly squeezed fruit juice in the afternoon completes the routine. And for dinner, no more heavy stews. Instead, an Indian curry pilaf, a potato and sausage salad, fish and steamed vegetables.

I feel more alive now, letting go of the past that used to haunt me everyday and running towards the future, embracing it and letting the goodness seep into my skin.

Glad i've waited for so long

2007-08-23T12:10:00.000+10:00

I walk past this jasmine bush all the time. In the last two weeks, i've been scrutinising it every time i walk by to see if the flowers have bloomed. Today, i wasn't disappointed. There it was- one little white flower. I was so tempted to pluck it but i resisted, not wanting to spoil the joy of any other spring lover who may have been waiting for this bush to be in full bloom.

Life has been good. Really busy but i'm enjoying it. I had my first dress fitting on Monday and it was nice to see my dress again. I had completely forgotten what it looked like on me. I had brought my shoes with me (they match!) and when i was told by the seamstress to hold my chin up and walk, i felt absolutely regal. The only alteration to be made is to shorten the length of the dress by an inch or so. Everything else fits like a glove.

I have my make up trial next Saturday and then a pre-wedding shoot with our photographer at Bronte. We also have two weddings to attend in the next 3 weeks. Tomorrow, we fly to Townsville for Jon's sister, Felicity's, wedding. Then comes the hair trial two weeks after, which is when i assume all the madness will begin- seating plans, place cards, flowers (which we have planted- white daisies! My favourite!), waiting for our rose petals to arrive, finalising the music (i have found the perfect song for when we sign the register- We are man and wife by Michelle Featherstone. And it was also played in the One Tree Hill Nathan + Hayley wedding episode- a plus since i love this show.) First dance is Songbird by Eva Cassidy, another one of my favourites. I absolutely adore Eva.) and gosh, everything else that i'm sure will pop up.

But wow, what an amazing season this is for me. I am relishing it.

baby's back

2007-08-14T12:52:00.000+10:00

I've been back in Sydney for three days and every single one of those days has involved me going to the beach. Apart from Jon and my closest friends, it's probably one of the biggest things i missed about Sydney whilst i was away having a fantastic time in Singapore.

On Sunday, Jon and i went to Bronte beach in the afternoon for some fish and chips. It was just so right being back there- listening to conversations, people swimming because it was relatively warm, beach towels, families milling around, fish and chips. We sat on the grass, talked and ate, enjoying each company with every bite; savouring the brush of his arm against mine, something i had missed trmendously whilst away- physical closeness with him.

Jon also treated me to afternoon tea out at Double Bay after lunch. We found out that a cute little cafe we had visited back in January had closed down so we looked for another and went into one with loud waiters and a generally fun atmosphere. I had a soy latte made perfectly, which is always pleasing to the palate (and soul).

These past two mornings, my flatmate and i have been going to Bondi beach to do the coastal walk from Bondi to Bronte. It's been really good- heaps of steps and hills. Time to get fit again so sickness stays far, far away from me. I also visited Norton St grocer yesterday and got a lot of fruit and veggies. They all looked amazingly fresh.

So, it's good to be back. It's good to have Special K with cranberries and almonds for breakfast again. It's good to sleep on my bed. It's good to smell the fresh air. It's good to see cherry blossoms and magnolia trees blooming. It's good to know that spring officially starts in about 17 days. It's good to know that the wedding is in seven and a half weeks. It's good to be emotionally better after my trip. It's good to be back in Jon's arms, to hold his hand whilst walking, to kiss him, to be even more in love with him now than i was before.

On festivals and photographs

2007-07-23T10:34:00.001+10:00

I finally got down to taking some photographs of Jon yesterday at The Rocks after we had some chai from Cuppucine at the Aroma festival. I've been at the festival for the past three years and have only been going back for the chai which is full of yummy, milky, cinnamony, honey-ed goodness. The best chai in the world! Jon had two cups but i had one (and stole some sips from his second cup) so i could have a cup of coffee too. I am trying to cut back on my caffeine so i had to carefully choose one tent to have coffee from. I ended up having a latte from Cafe Hernandez, which was really good. Sometimes, it pays to join the longest queue (i figured the coffee must have been good).

So after the chai, i gave Jon some directions (where to look, stand etc) and started snapping away. I have about 5 photos that i really like and here are three of them. I think the close-up (the first photo) is quite revealing of Jon's personality- gentle, patient and serene. And those blue eyes- i can never resist them.

underneath

2007-07-16T14:37:00.001+10:00

I have two vases of beautifully fragranced jonquils sitting on my desk and bedside table, courtesy of Jon. Such a sweet scent. I cannot wait until the time i walk past the house on Bourke St and can smell the jasmine on the fence, all blooming in spring.

Speaking of Bourke St, Lisa and i went to Bourke St Bakery in Surry Hills for breakfast today. I had a pear danish which was so delicious and a great coffee. I buy bread from them fairly regularly but have never tried their pastries. I usually have cereal for breakfast (fills me up and i can avoid the urge for a mid-morning snack) but i could easily get used to pastries, although i'm wondering if they would be better in the afternoon sitting on the balcony (obviously not in winter), together with a girlfriend and some English breakfast tea. [As an aside, I'm having a tea party with the girls the week of the wedding since i am not a drink-and-be-merry sort of person and would rather not be dressed in a veil and tiara whilst club-hopping in the city. I'm much more suited for a fairly harmless (one can hope) tea party filled with scones, quiches, cakes, biscuits and a variety of tea. My idea of a good time. ]

Right now, i'm sitting in my pink bathrobe with freshly washed hair and feeling rather chilled out. Just the right time for an afternoon snack of some fruit (believe me, if i had a biscuit or pastry or cake or anything remotely tea-like, i would be having that now but alas, only healthy food reside in my house). Am cooking a Thai chicken salad for dinner, having decided to experiment with my newly borrowed Marie Claire cookbooks from the library. Alas, in between paying for my groceries and transporting them to the car, i must have lost my single stalk of lemongrass- a necessary ingredient for tonight's salad. Being the person i am, i agonised over it for at least 45 minutes before deciding to pick Jon up from the train station and then heading over to the supermarket for a quick stopover ( i couldn't justify driving just for some lemongrass but picking up my boy on the way makes it all better.).

Right then. Must work.

It takes a word to build a story

2007-07-14T20:29:00.000+10:00

I watched 'The Queen' on DVD the other day and really liked it. I thought Helen Mirren was very deserving of an academy award for best actress. Last night, 'Pretty woman' was showing on tv, which meant it was my fourth (fifth? sixth?) viewing. This time, i watched it with Jon and watched the uncensored version (i didn't even realise that Singapore only showed the censored one until i gave an audible gasp last night, exclaiming "is that her breast?") It's still such a beautiful movie to watch, after all these years.

Today, we went to Bondi to get the famous cupcakes from 'Cupcakes on Pitt'. I've been wanting to try their cupcakes for ages so i was adamant that today was to be the day. Jon got a honeycomb one (with some Crunchie chocolate sticking out of the top) and i got a tiramisu. We got them at lunchtime but decided to save them for our after-lunch snack.

We were both keen on fish and chips for lunch by the beach (but not at Bondi) so we went to Bronte instead, where we ended up having a veggie burger (me) and a fish burger (Jon) instead. We got them in take away boxes and sat by the beach to eat them. It was a lovely time and the burgers were just what we needed. We sat around for a bit longer just to talk and enjoy the smell of saltwater on a cold but sunny Sydney winter day.

I didn't feel like going home after so we drove to Watson's bay (i am noticing a water theme here) to finally eat our cupcakes. We sat in our car (with a teenaged couple making out right in front of us. Oh dear.) and devoured them, me as usual causing a mess. But they were really quite yummy- very light, not overly sweet and not leaving you with that horrible "too full" feeling after. Jon decided that we needed to wash it down with a beverage so we went to the 'Tea Garden' nearby for some carrot and apple juice (Jon) and English breakfast tea (me).

Then it was the long, winding drive home and doing our tax returns when we got back.
We've just had a lovely, quiet, romantic candlelight dinner (leftovers chicken and couscous from last night) at home and i'm feeling really content having spent the day with my favourite boy, who is such good company even when he's sick. I love him. :)

When summer comes round again

2007-07-13T14:25:00.000+10:00

As we inch closer and closer to mid-winter, i can't help but think about spring things like moving house, redecorating, buying homemade jams and honey in glass jars, tank tops and straw bags, longer days and gardening.

I have big plans for our new home, which involve a mini garden in the balcony (which i'm adamant that we have). A visit to the nursery a few weeks ago has rekindled my passion for growing my own flowers and herbs. I have helped my auntie garden enough times to know that it is hard work but extremely rewarding.

I use an assortment of herbs every week in my cooking, the most popular ones being basil and coriander. This week, i've had to buy sage (for the roasted pumpkin, sage and pine nut penne) and thyme (for the Indian-style grilled chicken breasts) and it is such a waste of money when all i need are a few leaves here and there. Hence, i've been looking into growing my own herb garden which will be a nice Sunday afternoon activity for me when the football is on.

Once we buy a house with some extra land, i am keen on growing tomatoes, strawberries, some citrus fruit and salad leaves. I doubt i'll ever have chickens but some simple fruit and veg farming seems like the way to go. And of course, i'll grow my own flowers. There's nothing like some handpicked flowers straight from your own garden gathered together loosely in a bouquet for a friend when she comes over for tea.

I have been feeling crafty of late but considering that i have not enough time to write my thesis, i don't think i can justify spending time on knitting or quilting (not that i know how to do either). Maybe when life settles down a bit after the wedding, i can attempt to do something crafty as well as continue taking more photographs, a hobby i have sadly neglected in recent months due to relationship problems with my camera, which runs out of battery the minute i decide i want to photograph something beautiful. Every. Single. Time. However, plans to get a new, more professional camera are in the works so there's something to look forward to.

(If i close my eyes long enough, i can smell sourdough bread baking in the over; i can see jam jars sitting pretty on the shelf; i can feel the warm breeze on my skin; i can hear Jason Mraz playing on the stereo, a good book on my lap to tide the sunshine-filled days that we call summer.)

Tonight, i'm cooking aforementioned grilled chicken with a yoghurt and spice marinade, served on green beans and red onions, baked couscous with tomato and pesto and an apple and almond crumble for dessert. It's not every day that i cook such semi-elaborate meals but after a week of soup (lentil first and then fish and veg), i am ready for something a bit more special.

out of the cracks

2007-07-11T10:57:00.001+10:00

Opened the window to let in a bit of the cold. Last night, i noticed little yellow flowers on the tree right outside my study. They must come to life only in winter. Just like light that suddenly becomes clear when you thought your dreams were frozen through. I am getting closer to the other side, where the rest of my life is waiting to be lived with joy that is overflowing.

second chance

2007-06-29T15:39:00.000+10:00

So far, winter has been cold and rainy. But today dawned beautiful, coolish and sunny. I walked Jon to the bus stop, his last ever 343 for a while as he begins his new job next Wednesday at Milson's Point (which requires him to take the train) and then went for my rounds around our complex. It was so beautiful to be out even though i was overly dressed in two jumpers, a scarf and gloves (it looked really windy from inside my house!). I listened to songs on my mp3 player and just felt really happy, an emotion that thankfully followed me all the way home and miraculously is still present. My dad called and we had a nice chat for a bit. Even he commented on my cheerful voice. It must be the change in weather, a great sleep last night and the knowledge that i don't have many more exam papers to grade. Also the toasted sesame bagel with cream cheese and red rasberry jam and coffee i had for breakfast this morning.

I was reading House & Garden's "Hand crafted- beautiful things to create at home" the other night, a book i borrowed from the library as i was dashing out, enticed by the picture of a big white photo frame, fairy lights enclosed in white doilies and some pink tulips sitting on a desk with a canvas top on the front cover. Perusing through the photos, i decided i wanted that desk and that frame and those lights, and the make-up case (for the make-up i don't own?) and the socks and the blue scarf and everything else that was beautifully photographed. After discovering recently that my supervisor knits (and i saw some red wool and her knitting needles sitting on her armchair once- very endearing), i've had a strange desire to take up knitting too, not least because i want to be just like her when i grow up. Mel taught me to knit once and i reckon i wasn't doing too badly but i have forgotten everything now. Maybe this is a chance for me to take it up again. I will bring some wool and my needles back with me when i go home in July and ask my sewing/quilting/knitting/cooking/gardening extraordinaire auntie to teach me again. In between running aroung trying to get invitations/seating plans/whatever else i can't think about now finalised before i fly back to Sydney, where i will then run around handing out invites, coming up with the seating plan for our Sydney reception, getting the wedding favours, having my dress fitting, hair and make-up trial, GROWING our own flowers for the reception and flying to Townsville to attend Jon's youngest sister, Felicity's wedding. A run-on sentence seems to fit my schedule, don't you think? In three short months, i will be Mrs Rhodes and we can move on with life.

My English breakfast tea is finished, a sign that i must end this entry. No need to prepare dinner tonight because Jon is taking me to my favourite Indian restaurant for dinner. Then home to watch Casino Royale on dvd (speaking of dvds, we just paid $18 in late fines for 3 overnight dvds yesterday. Ouch. Never again.). My dad remarked during our phone conversation earlier what a lovely guy Jon is. And he is indeed quite lovely.
Now that's a sweet way to end an entry.

After the rainstorm came sanctuary

2007-06-21T09:17:00.000+10:00

This must be love- a man who sits on your bed and waits for you to fall asleep before he leaves to go home. The same man who carries you from the couch to the room just because you ask him to and doesn't think twice about it. The same man who buys you a sunflower becaue "You're my sunflower." The one who warms your socks by the heater before putting it on your cold feet. The one who watches 'Anne of Green Gables' with you in the afternoon, after he's made you a perfect cup of English breakfast tea. The one who holds you when you think you cannot possibly live another day.

This must be love- the God who watches over you as you sleep at night. The same God who made sunflowers and peonies for your pleasure. The same God who knew my name even before i was born. The One who loves me even when i fail (and fail again). The One with the still small voice who whispers to me that everything will be ok. The One who will rejoice with me on the day i marry the man i love. The One who makes two white plastic bags come together to form a love heart just as i look out of my window ( see above picture) after a rainstorm.

Some days, it is only love that gets me through.

slowing down

2007-05-25T11:58:00.000+10:00

That is a photo of the window in my study. The green trees, little droplets of rain and two white ribbons give me a sense of peace, exactly what i need these days.

Yesterday, i decided to go to the library at Glebe, which is a pretty little suburb close to the university. I felt like myself once again as i perused the aisles, one by one, looking for a title that sparked my interest. The feeling of finding a good book, one that you've been waiting to to read forever cannot be replicated. Being in the midst of books soothes my soul and reminds me of who i essentially am.

I left the library with three books- A wedding in December by Anita Shreve, The namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and Shopaholic and sister by Sophie Kinsella. The first book, i've been waiting to read for a while now; the second, i knew i had to read after watching the movie and it's the one i have started on- she's a beautiful writer- so evocative and decriptive; the third is for when i get tired of reading the history of the family for my thesis.

As i walked along Glebe Pt. Road, headed back to the university, i noticed how quaint the little shops and cafes were. I wished i had the time to stop by and browse or have a cup of coffee and a pastry from Le Petit Tarte, a charming little cafe that makes me feel like i'm somewhere in France.

But i continued walking along, slowly.
I refused to brisk walk like i always find myself doing when i'm walking, even if i'm not in a rush.
Slowly, i walked and passed another cafe selling delicious looking cakes. There were two people sitting on a table on the sidewalk, drinking their lattes.

How many things have i failed to notice because i was rushing?
I am determined to slow down and look.

no turning back

2007-05-22T12:11:00.000+10:00

Rushcutters Bay is so beautiful. I love walking there on the weekends- the park to one side and the bay to the other. Kids everywhere.

Last Sunday, we went to Rose Bay for a walk and it was lovely. It was great stopping between some houses and being able to see the harbour bridge and sparkling water. It was even more lovely having a cappucino and chocolate croissant after. What a beautiful morning it was!

And today, Tuesday, it is just as beautiful where i am- not anywhere near a body of water but familiar nonetheless. I slept in till 9am (which i haven't done in the longest time as i'm usually up at 6:30am to work out) as i knew i was coming down with a horrid little bug last night. I feel so much better today after a good rest. The weather bureau had said it was going to be cold and windy today (which it is!) but it is also so, so beautiful. I opened my windows and the trees were going crazy in the wind. It smelled so fresh. The blue skies were perfect. It's almost winter but everything looked so green. I washed my hair (it seemed like a hair-washing day), got changed and drove to Zoe's for some toast and chai. That's the kind of morning i like.

Have been checking my mailbox since yesterday morning for my sample wedding invites! Can't wait to receive them!

Two weeks before winter

2007-05-19T17:27:00.000+10:00

We've had a fairly mild autumn thus far. The nights are chilly but nothing a jumper, a throw and some mint hot chocolate can't make comfortable. What will winter (in 2 weeks!) bring?

Today was beautiful. Autumn leaves everywhere and blue skies with little tufts of white cloud everywhere. We went to Rushcutters Bay for a walk and had breakfast at the only cafe there. I had some organic muesli with yoghurt and a soy cappucino, which were both yummy. We were the only childless patrons there, which was quite interesting to observe.

I've just asked my friend (and Jon's flatmate) to do the decorations for our wedding and feel like a burden's been lifted. I've been trying to figure out how to decorate the garden and reception venue and not flout council rules. Now, Gareth can figure this out. He's an architect so i'm sure he'll be much better at this than i could ever be.

I am counting down the days till our wedding. When will it come?? I'm so tired of having Jon leave every night after he tucks me in. I mean, i love him and want very much for us to be physically intimate with each other. But we've both made a decision to abstain from sex before the wedding- one of the best decisions i've ever made. I must say it's not an easy decision but i truly believe it is the right one. The wedding night is going to be that much special because of it. For now, i'm satisfied with kisses and cuddles.

So, things are coming along nicely. I have been praying heaps and praying differently and can see results, which is always nice. The best answered prayer was Jon's new job, which he got yesterday! He's going to be a computer games programmer now, which he is so excited about, which makes me very happy. I like seeing my boy happy and confident. My thesis is slowly being written. I'm not sure what will happen next year and whether i will switch to part-time so i can work some extra hours but i dont' want to worry about that now.

I'm off to watch Sleepless in Seattle with Jon. We've both seen it a couple of times (well, at least i have) but have never seen it together, which i think is a situation that needs to be remedied immediately. So some pasta, red wine and a movie with the love of my life is on the cards for tonight. Life is good.

A vision of you

2007-04-24T15:34:00.000+10:00

The rain continues to fall. Today it complements my mood nicely. No, not sad or melancholic but rather, nostalgic. A nostalgia for something called home, an idea which i have yet to grasp, or which i know so well that it has become part of my self, too hard to extricate or separate. A part of me does not want to admit that i left home to come here because home is good, happy, beautiful, where dreams come true. And i felt so little of any of this. I was mostly sad. Everywhere i looked, i saw the ugliness of a country plagued by racism and discrimination although it was too proud to admit that to itself. My dreams were falling away one by one. But what is that compared to everything else. The smell of fish curry simmering on the stove. The sweet musky smell of eveningtime. The gorgeous sunsets. The times spent sitting on my bed listening to love songs, wishing and hoping for someone to sweep me off my feet. Sunday dinners with my aunties. Sunday lunches with my parents. Gilmore Girls at 6pm on Sunday evening, accompanied by a cup of tea made with condensed milk. Saturday evenings spent with my choir. Going to Borders to buy magazines. The beach for my afternoon runs. And i could go on and on. All this beauty and goodness. As i sit here, i think: i am in a country i know very little about. I find it hard to understand the slangs and colloquialisms. I only have memories lasting two years. Television and radio programming could do with some help. I am sitting here listening online to Class 95, a Singapore radio station. Vernetta is on. I know Vernetta- she was the deejay i listened to every afternoon. I am familiar with the way she speaks and the music she plays. I know that from 2-5pm, i can hear 90 minutes of non-stop music. I know all this and i like it. It's familiar. Even the rain reminds me of home, where it rains all the time, nothing unusual except that it causes everyone to complain and have wet shoes. Here, rain means water so badly needed for a sun scorched land. I don't even want to complain about it because in church, we pray for it. I wanted to love Sydney so much and hoped it could become my home and i could forget about Singapore. Except now, i can only remember the good things about the country i grew up in. I can only smell the sweet evenings and see the magazines at Borders. All the bad is slowly melting away. I find myself running towards home, which i can now say is Singapore. Was Singapore. I don't know. I don't feel that Sydney is non-home. How can it be when i step into the ocean and feel so at peace, when i am in the arms of the beloved i prayed so hard for, when sitting down with a coffee at my favourite cafe makes me feel so content. Maybe it's ok to admit that i left home for something else that could possibly become home in the years to come. I am even more confused when i realise that i cannot live in Singapore again. It will stifle me. I know that. So i do what i know how to do. Listen to radio stations online, speak to my family over the phone and cook chicken curry. While i visit the beach, drink coffee with soy milk and put my feet on J's lap. The best of both worlds.

The drawing board

2007-04-23T15:52:00.000+10:00

Outside, the rain is falling. The window to the right my study is open so i can feel the cool wind and hear the rain falling heavily to the ground below. Wet leaves cling themselves to my window and droplets of water roll down. I am inside working on my thesis. Yet another lit review. However, i have a few things for company that make this job a little easier- my cup of tea, the vase of pink roses bought by Jon and my throw that keeps me warm. I am loving my study after having transformed it into a space that is me. Over the weekend, i cleared all the papers on the floor and then decided to tackle my closet. I hung my coats up, rolled up the dresses and tank tops in a suitcase and stuffed it under my bed, out of sight. I colour coded my t-shirts. I loved the weekend that just passed- Friday night swim, listening to the Amelie soundtrack, Saturday morning walk to Bourke St Bakery to buy some hazelnut and raisin sourdough bread, a stop at Zoe's on the way back for some soy cappucino (me) and rockmelon, watermelon and pineapple juice (Jon), great conversation over these drinks, a meeting with my wedding photographer, a drive to my wedding venue, stepping on piles and piles of fallen autumn leaves, a trip to Pho for some beef noodles and some snuggling, Sunday morning walk at Centennial Park, watching the ducks, church to see Aliyah dedicated, and then some glorious alone time to read and have tea, vegetarian nachos for dinner. I feel rejuvenated and ready to face this week. Reading and writing from 9-5 each day to produce 4000 words a week. Driving along a street with brown and red leaves, the rain which calls for a simple, warming dinner- penne with roasted eggplant and tomatoes in a tomato based sauce with some olives and herbs if i can find some. A trip to see a friend. A holiday on Wednesday. Dreaming more visually about the future. Shorter and shorter days. A simpler life.

don't let go

2007-03-23T17:33:00.000+11:00

week 3 of autumn has been just a bit stressful with visas and the like. but once i've cleared my medical tomorrow, everything will be in place and i won't have to worry about leaving. it's been hot the past couple of days and i want the cold to return. leaves continue to change colour. and we've discovered a great little vietnamese restaurant in newtown, thanks to christine my flatmate. good, cheap food. yum. i had some rice vermicelli with beef last night before going to the arts and crafts store to get a foam board, glue and an eraser for jon. he and i went to the beach yesterday evening and it was beautiful. the water was cold and the surfers were out, as were many dogs. we sat on the sand and talked till it got colder and then we left for dinner at the vietnamese place. how nice is it to just sit and talk, feet buried in the sand, the smell of saltwater masking the odour of fear that sits heavily on my heart. it was good for my soul. i baked some chocolate and banana bread with big chunks of dark chocolate. best loaf i've ever made i reckon. have been having it for tea the past couple of days. making cups of soy lattes at home. bemoaning the last of the longish days. tomorrow, i continue searching for my wedding dress. i saw one online that i really loved and i'm hoping to try it on in the store tomorrow. it's got lace, ribbon and a train. just so feminine and pretty. apart from that, life has been pretty quiet. thinking about spring flowers and new york in midsummer.

week two of autumn

2007-03-14T16:54:00.000+11:00

it's most certainly autumn now. the morning air is chilly. the nights colder still. because my mind hasn't yet registered that summer is no more, i open the doors leading to the balcony expecting it to be a scorching hot day when i see the blue skies. but i am quickly reminded that it's time to fold up the short skirts and sundresses and hang up the coats and scarves. daylight saving time ends in 11 days and i feel sad. goodbye long days. back to cramming everything into a schedule that ends at 4pm so that i can come home before dark and make lentil soup. but wait. winter is not yet. i want to enjoy autumn. beautiful crimson leaves, colourful scarves, mugs of hot chocolate, gilmore girls season six on dvd, take-away coffee on the way to uni, only one season between now and the wedding, more reason for cuddles, holding little charlie, banana bread in the oven. all such warm thoughts.

week one of autumn

2007-03-06T12:25:00.000+11:00

it's the first week of autumn and so far we've had two stinking hot and humid days, two rainy ones and the rest, cloudy. i am liking the rainy ones best as i've never been one to bear the heat well. last night, it rained just as i had left the house to go for a swim. the pool was indoors and heated so it wasn't too much of an issue. i hadn't been in a 50m pool in a long while so it was good to get back to proper swimming again. i was feeling terrible before heading to the pool but by the time i swam my fifth lap, i was looking decidedly chirpier. it must have been the water and working out. we stopped by the sauna before heading to the change rooms, where i proceeded to get changed without the privacy of a closed door. i must say that i'm getting used to having my bits out for all the other girls to see. i am definitely becoming more comfortable with my body although it is far from perfect. but anyway. today, it started off cloudy. i walked jon to work. he looked hot in his striking blue shirt and beige pants. so hot that i noticed a guy checking him out. huh. by the time i walked back however, the sky looked to be clearing up and as i sat down to have breakfast, the weather looked and felt perfect. the slightly chilly breeze, the sunshine and the quiet went well with my toast and tea. i also did the laundry. i couldn't resist spending some moments looking out of the window in my room and smelling the fresh, crisp air. that made me very happy. have just been on the phone to immigration regarding my visa. hope to get it all sorted in the coming week so i can spend the rest of autumn and then winter in australia. and then spring and summer and the rest of my life. i went to try on some wedding gowns over the weekend. it was an experience. all the other brides-to-be were trying on fancy schmancy dresses and here i was putting on the simplest one i could find...an ivory v-neck with a short train. it looked nice but it wasn't perfect so the search continues. and there you have it- week one of autumn.

the long day is over

2007-02-28T20:34:00.000+11:00

listening to norah singing "the long day is over", i am reminded of how perfect this song is for now. i'm hoping that a long season of uncertainty, fear and anxiety is over. it's been a long, tough summer. not that it even felt like summer. it has been rather cool, with a few hot days scattered around to make it seem normal. but now, i notice trees whose leaves have turned orange, ready to fall to the ground. i swam in the saltwater pool at coogee with lisa as thunder thundered away and rain started to fall. the waves started crashing but yet...calm. the ocean just puts me in a space that allows me to remember what life is about. yesterday, i went for a walk around the bay at five dock, looking at boats and beautiful houses. i sat on a bench and looked at the water without thinking about anything. again, such calm. my dream is to live in a house on a cliff with my new family- my husband and my children. i want to play the grand piano as the sunlight streams in, casting shadows on our wooden floorboards. i want to make new traditions. i want to give and receive lots of hugs, cuddles and kisses- something that was missing in my childhood. i want the kids to see daddy and mummy loving on each other; being kind, affectionate and supportive. i want j and me to be parents who teach our children to be responsible, kind and loving towards other people. i want them to learn that our god will always look after them and protect them, even when the lights are turned off, the house makes creaking sounds and their friends have told them to watch out for monsters that come up from under their bed. i want to make passionate love to my husband on the kitchen floor when the house is empty and after we've just had our billionth argument. i hear the leaves move in the wind and feel the cool breeze on my arms as i write. norah continues playing. the house is empty. such calm. i have nothing on my mind. off to watch grey's anatomy which i recorded on Sunday. my supervisor has told me that it was a good episode. i love my supervisor, with whom i can discuss concepts and hollywood. maybe make a cup of hot milo to watch meredith make her decision.

your love so beautiful

2007-02-25T23:15:00.000+11:00

2 slices of toast with butter and honey, a cup of tea with soy milk and then writing. a full day's worth of words. reading blogs in between. refreshing bloglines a few times a minute to check out who has updated. reading someone else's life, someone else's battle with the unfamiliar. praying. bright, sunny end-of-summer days. the sweet smell laundry drying. holding close to my chest a pile of towels straight out of the dryer. new tea towels. reading the sunday papers the wednesday after. harsh words strewn acorss the room. making up. a new soft dusky rose throw for cold winter nights. stomach cramps. being looked after. buying beautiful fresh vegetables. washing the car. rain. twirling the ring on the fourth finger of my left hand. thinking that soon, another one will keep it company. trying to guess where the honeymoon is going to be (he's surprising me). chocolate chip cookies dipped in tea. ugly betty, grey's anatomy. mcleod's daughters. coffee. banana bread. scary days. peaceful nights. tired eyes. 2 new books.

today

2007-02-15T17:36:00.000+11:00

today

i am made better

a salad roll for lunch

3 cups of chai

in the sweetness of honey

my soul finds comfort

in the arms of my beloved

my tears are wiped away

today

i walk and I think

of things that made me happy

when he smiled from afar

my heart racing

my palms sweaty

when I scored a discount on that dress

my heart racing

my body anticipating

the looks from the boys

today I sit and stare

as another day goes by

dawn

morning

noon

evening

dusk

night

dawn

the blue of the sky

gets darker and darker

until sleep beckons and

i dream of my former self

today

i think about love

the friend who counsels

the child who kisses

the beau who perseveres

the parent who lets go

today I think

i think that life is

that life could be

that life will one day be

Mellow fruitfulness

2007-02-13T20:55:00.000+11:00

View from McKell Park, Sunday, 11.02.2007

It's been a bit of this and a bit of that around here recently. Wedding preparations are coming along very well...in fact i only have my dress and Jon and Dave's (Jon's brother and bestman) suits to get.
I think i've settled on my walking in song- Feels like home by Chantal Kreviazuk. It's always meant so much to me.
I'm determined to have a cupcake wedding cake because i love cupcakes- they're so yummy and pretty. Cupcakes are so expensive here. The cheapest wedding one i've seen costs $3.50 each. Considering that we have approximately 100 guests at our wedding, that's just a crazy amount of money to spend on CAKE. Hence, some frantic cupcake baking may occur in my home prior to the wedding.

Apart from wedding planning, i've been reading for my thesis and planning my Valentine's Day surprise for Jon. I am also concerned with the strange noises my car is making.

Today, Lisa, Charlie and i went to a cute little cafe in Randwick for coffee.
I saw a rainbow on the way back from my walk in the morning.

There is a slight chill in the air that wasn't there a week ago; leaves on tress are not so green; winter clothes are in store- all harbingers of autumn.

Once again, change.

again again again again again

2007-01-30T20:40:00.000+11:00

It's such a beautiful day out but i am once again stuck in my study (albeit a beautiful one) writing my thesis. When will this end? I'm having a love-hate relationship with my research. At 10am i love it, at 10:49am i loathe it and look longingly at my white wicker chair sitting quietly in the corner, the sun's rays falling gently across it....

But no. I remain at my desk and listen to the leaves rustling outside in the wind. Fiction has been put aside for academia. My brain is tired from thinking and plotting and unfortunately, worrying.
At least i have a vase of flowers (bought by the darling boy) next to me for company. They're bold purple with white edges and they sit in the water doing their own thing while i do mine.

Last weekend was the Australia Day long weekend. We packed out our lunch, did the whole slip (on a tee), slop (on sunscreen), slap (on a hat) routine and went to Parsley bay in Vaucluse and paddled in the water. It was beautiful. Then we went to Nielsen Park to enjoy the cool wind. My hat tried to run away from me a couple of times. Thereafter, we drove to Double Bay for me to use the loo and on the way back to our car, stumbled upon this great cafe that served beautiful coffee. So nice and relaxing.

On Saturday, we went driving round Sydney to meet the event planners from various wedding venues- We went to the Northen beaches, and then headed back to Woollahra in the East and then to Pagewood in the...i'm not sure.....it's both south and east. The minute i walked into the venue at Woollahra, which has a garden next to it for weddings and such, i knew that this could end up being the place. It was relaxed and had nice seats. Plus there was a garden next to it for me to have my dream garden wedding (see above). Who cares if the council (who owns the garden) has given me a list of restrictions- no chairs, no arches, no microphone, no flower petals, no carpet etc. etc. (and they say this is the perfect venue for a wedding??). I am determined to make it as pretty as possible with some help. Hopefully, we'll have everything sorted out and signed by the end of next week so it will be official. Once this is done, i get to go dress shopping with my bridesmaid Lisa. Must try to be flexbile about dress since i am on a budget.

After the venue was found, Jon and i went to bills (the restaurant owned by acclaimed chef Bill Granger) at Woollahra to celebrate. Jon had thought all along that it was called pills, which i found incredibly amusing. I also tried explaining to him who Bill Granger was- "that famous chef, how can you not know him?" "that guy in the commercial?" "that guy in the toothpaste commercial...Macleans toothpaste who says he likes his lemons with mint?" And then he got it. The guy with the teeth. Yes, Bill has some blindingly white teeth. Anyways, i had a skim latte done beautifully, Jon had an iced chocolate (so good) and we shared a brownie with vanilla bean paste. Man, that was some brownie.

On Sunday, we went to Centennial Park for a walk and then headed over to Bondi beach for some food. Found a cafe that served good coffee and milkshake but not-so-good food. Disappointing but oh well. At least i got to people watch the beautiful people of Bondi.

And then it was Monday and i had to go back to writing my thesis.
And then it was Tuesday and i had to continue writing my thesis. Holding out for Beach Girls at 3pm. It's my new afternoon show. Where i get to sit down with a cup of tea and swat away mosquities. Bliss.

Destiny

2007-01-25T16:19:00.000+11:00

The new blogger has been making me not want to blog. Photos don't turn out the size i want them to. Everything's just strange. But just to update you on what's been happening in my life since i got back from Singapore a week and a half ago-

I'm busy working on my thesis. I have shed tears over this thesis. It better be worth all the effort.
Jon and i have been looking for the perfect wedding venue for us. We're seeing three on Staurday and we hope it's going to be one of them.
I've attended two weddings since i got back (Jen and Jared's above). So beautiful. I can't wait for mine.
I've been thinking about my dress. Get it made or off the rack?
Australia day tomorrow. Yay for public holidays. Boo for having to work through them.
Thinking of first dance songs and recessional songs.
I'm hoping for my visa to work itself out. I am not leaving Australia!
Today, i'm going to watch an opera at (where else?) the Sydney Opera House.
Now, i'm drinking tea and wishing i could be reading a magazine.
I'm planning to move my blog someplace else so i can feel comfortable writing again.
Between planning a wedding, writing my thesis and trying to keep sane, my days are booked up and there's little time for thinking. Or being. Or just trying to enjoy every moment.

Another answered prayer

2006-12-26T15:47:00.000+11:00

He proposed

I said Yes

We're engaged!

I've dreamed about this post for three years now. Jonathan's proposal on Christmas eve, in front of my family, was my best Christmas present.

High up above

2006-12-24T22:20:00.000+11:00

It's Christmas eve. Presents have been wrapped and placed under a tree. The turkey has been cooked. Soon, we will go for mass and then come home for dinner. We will celebrate the birth of Christ. The night is cool after a rainfall and the air is misty. How blessed am i to be able to celebrate Christmas with those closest to my heart- my family and my Jon.
I feel like every dream i have is coming true, one by one.

A blessed Christmas to everyone.

when christmas comes to town

2006-12-12T10:16:00.000+11:00

I took this photo when we lit the first, 'hope' candle of advent last week. I love this ritual of anticipating, lighting and remembering what christmas is really about- hope, love, joy, peace, family, friends, loving and giving thanks for the first christmas.
The floor is filled with bags full of christmas presents for everyone, still unwrapped even though we leave for Singapore on Friday morning and really, some wrapping should have taken place over the weekend. Alas, the weekend was filled with swims at the beach (so cold but so refreshing), breakfasts out, shopping and Jon's office christmas party where much champagne and sangria were served by a cute waiter who had been hired especially for the event. Three desserts later, my tummy gave up. There was just too much food. But it was all fun. And the weather was lovely.
Unlike today, which is cold and drizzly. This is summer? Thank goodness i haven't stashed away all my jumpers.
My to-do list is oh-so-long and includes attempting to write something resembling 35,000 words of my thesis. In addition to doing loads of laundry, reading, making christmas presents, going to uni and of course, packing. I am looking forward to Friday morning where everything will be done (or at least not thought about anymore) and we can go to Zoe's, have a cuppa, grab our bags, hop into a taxi (booked the day before, surely), jump on board a plane and eight hours later, walk into the welcoming arms of family who have been counting down to this very day.

Sunday

2006-11-27T09:52:00.000+11:00

Sunday morning: ocean swim, very cold water, sun-kissed skin, the lingering smell of saltwater even after a shower, chocolate and coffee swirl toast and a cup of coffee for breakfast.

Sunday afternoon: Muesli and apricot for lunch, baking as the cricket is on, the smell of baking cake wafting through the rooms, a blueberry coffee cake and a cup of coffee for afternoon tea.

Sunday evening: Watching episodes of Summerland, roasting a chicken, the perfect roast chook and vegetables for dinner, m&ms for dessert.

My Sunday was delicious. What about yours?

What is simple is true

2006-11-24T14:58:00.000+11:00

I am beginning to think that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all
Laura Ingalls Wilder

Last night, Jon and i went to Martin Place to see the big Christmas tree being lit up for the first time this festive season. The whole place was packed with people, mostly parents with young kids. We found ourselves a good spot and waited until the countdown began: "six, five, four three, two, one" and then...two seconds of nothing followed by cheers as the tree was lit. Soon after, there were fireworks which i absolutely love because it's loud and pretty and makes (almost) everyone happy. Jon and i thought it was only right that we shared a kiss amidst all this happiness. I am loving my collection of happy "Jon and Gen" memories. Especially when there's a Christmas tree, carols, gingerbread latte from Starbucks, police officers dressed in santa hats and SANTA himself involved.

a moment

2006-11-23T14:54:00.000+11:00

I was watching Oprah, where a woman whose boyfriend had shot her in the face, appeared to describe her trauma. She had lost an eye, her nose and mouth. It was hard not to gasp. Her boyfriend had been abusing her for eight years. He took offense with her talking to other men; he asked her to wear baggy clothing so she wouldn't show off her figure; he hit her; he yelled; he pulled out his gun on a previous occasion. But throughout all of this, she still loved him.

While i was watching this, and it was hard to even watch, i had to let Jon know that i appreciated him for everything he didn't do- no drinks, no drugs, no smoking, no abuse- Jon is just so kind that i often take it for granted. But today, i was reminded that there are men out there who make earth a living hell for women; there are men who don't respect women and belittle them constantly.

After years of being told that i was too dumb, too fat, too troublesome, i am now being told, by someone who has only known me for a year, that i am beautiful, creative, intelligent. I am princess. It just makes me stop and think and give thanks.

show stopper

2006-11-22T10:56:00.000+11:00

I had a fantastic birthday. Jon made us yummy coffee early in the morning. I sent him to work, bought the Herald (the only reason i buy the papers on Tuesday is for the Good Living pull-out, where all things food-related are discussed)and went to Zoe's for breakfast where i had some organic sourdough toast with butter and jam and a skim cap as usual. As i sipped the coffee, i couldn't help but think that Jon's was so much nicer. And i usually love the coffee from Zoe's! Oh, thank God i'm with a man who makes good coffee, even if it was a hiterto undiscovered gift. Lunch was spent at Centennial Park with Sarah and Lisa who made us fritatta. We had some pink sparkly together with our meal before heading to Max Brenners at Double Bay for some babka and Venezuelan dark chocolate. It was lovely!
As the sun set, Jon grilled me some steak (beautifully done just the way i like it) and we had some white wine. AND then, we watched The OC, where i tried to get him in the loop about what has been happening since he has never watched the show before. Midway through The OC, we had some of Lisa's leftover animal cupcakes (the ladybug) and some chocolate macadamia coffee for dessert. So much good food throughout the entire day.
And then, we danced. It was magical. Our first dance. I will never ever forget it. I am completley in love with this boy.

It was a great day, filled with love, food, text messages and phone calls from friends and family near and afar.

birthday weekend

2006-11-20T11:35:00.000+11:00

Birthday weekends are indeed full of excitement. On Saturday, Jon planned me a party which was great apart from the fact that i greeted everyone, fainted and had to rest in bed for the next two hours. After a rest and a cry, i found myself well enough to join everyone for afternoon tea where we had tea, animal cupcakes (made by Lisa and which were so good, they require an entry of their own with pictures) and my birthday cake made up of two layers- orange and poppyseed and chocolate, which Jon made and then proceeded to write "LOVE YOU" with m&ms (how sweet is this boy?). I also, as requested, had 25 candles on my cake. I love that i have the bestest people around me. I received a coffee maker from everyone, which i am loving!
On Sunday, we went to Bronte beach for Lisa's birthday bbq, where we had amazing muffins (made by Lisa- quite the baker), an assortment of yummy sausages and pink wine. It was a lovely, laid-back (after trying to find parking for close to an hour, which wasn't very laid-back at all) day and a fun time was had by all.
And tomorrow, for my actual birthday, MORE fun things will occur. I love birthdays!

It is you i have loved

2006-11-17T22:18:00.000+11:00

I had forgotten the good bits about bus journeys. The 'not needing to concentrate'; the 'looking out the window to people-watch'. On my way home from the city, i dreamt while listening to some songs from my mp3 player- Edwin McCain, Shaun MacDonald. I dreamt of weddings and love and other equally beautiful things. How lovely it was, for a whole half hour, to be able to do nothing but dream. It put me in such a different mood than that which i've been in the entire week. I arrived home calm and with a desire to start putting things back in order. The way they were meant to be. Upon checking the mail, i found a birthday card from my dearest aunts, my first for this coming birthday. I wanted to cry. Because i am so incredibly loved. Right now, Jon is slaving away in his home making food (i have no idea what's on the menu) for my party tomorrow- the party which he planned. Somedays i can hardly get my mind around the fact that i have a boyfriend. That he loves me. I want to jump up and down and get some sparklers out. Or something equally exciting. But no.
Tonight, i want to rest in this love i find around me. I want to accept being loved and revel in the absolute joy that it brings.

Steal my breath

2006-11-14T11:04:00.000+11:00

My feet are sore from walking but the soreness reminds me that i have feet. I can walk. Although it's sunny, there is a slight chill in the air. The light quilt my auntie made me keeps me warm as i mark exam scripts. I am currently obsessed with bagels. Today, i had a poppyseed one with cream cheese and jam. I have discovered that i like to log in to bloglines when i am having breakfast as there is a certain joy in perusing blogs while sipping my coffee and for a minute or two, being privy to someone else's life. Someone else eating a bagel. Someone walking in autumn leaves. I love the bloggers i read. They inspire me and remind me to be spontaneous- like making a detour early on Saturday morning to go to the beach and let the sun warm my bones, my soul; the saltwater to heal my pain. Somedays, i want to reach through the computer screen and touch their knitted sweater. Somedays, i want to have a cup of coffee with them in New York. Just to say yes. yes, i understand.

fade into the background

2006-11-09T21:57:00.000+11:00

I always make snap judgements about people. And then a few months later, i feel like the biggest idiot because i was wrong and hey, they're actually nice. And good. One thing i've learnt- there will always be someone who dislikes you for being you. One other thing i've learnt- for that one person, that will be ten others who tell you that you can do it.

i wish i could go to bed and sleep until it's all over

back to basics

2006-11-07T12:22:00.000+11:00

I decided to check out the Good Living Growers' Market on Saturday because of the dismal state of fruit and veggies in the supermarket and because it's just my idea of fun on a Saturday morning. What could be better than braving the cold and rain, sipping coffee and perusing the stalls selling everything from flowers to cheese? Nothing. Nothing could be better. So off we went, returning with a bag of salad leaves, apples (which are soooo delicious), a loaf of bread (so yummy) and peaches (which turned out to be not-so-sweet, probably beacause it's the first of the season). Then, we went to the organic market at the Entertainment Quarter and bought some garlic (a colleague mentioned that if there's only one thing you buy organic, let it be garlic) and beautiful flowers which are currently sitting next to me. The plan is to someday stop shopping at supermarkets, except for essential stuff like laundry powder. Today, i am going to have a Greek salad for lunch and angel hair pasta with parsely, red chilli, garlic, olive oil, pine nuts and parmesan for dinner. I do enjoy good, healthy, home cooked food.

running wild among all the stars above

2006-11-03T17:24:00.000+11:00

I feel alive today. Maybe it's because of the rain that has fallen softly on our land, the aftermath of which i enjoyed as i walked the streets of Glebe, arms laden with books i borrowed from the library. Because Sydney doesn't see much rain, i've come to enjoy and even savour each moment of it- the sound, the smell, the feel, the cool winds after. It was a nice respite from the piercing heat that is the norm in late spring and summer. I can't believe we're in the last month of spring. I don't want it to be over. I love the sight of budding flowers on otherwise bare branches and the first time you realise you can go out in a dress and pretty sandals. And then it gets hot and i wish i were on the other side of the world. But now, it's perfect. I mean, right now. As i'm writing this, i can hear the leaves rustling and there's a sweet smell outside to accompany the sweet smells inside emanating from freshly baked pain au chocolats. I love the French name for it. Much better than chocolate croissants. Although when i went to my new favourite cafe (which i have since found out is called Coffee, Tea or Me), i chickened out and ordered a cappuccino and "chocolate croissant", in plain English. I didn't want to embarrass myself by tripping over the words even though i had practiced beforehand. The picture you see here is of my cappuccino on the lovely wooden table with lovely white flowers. Temptation was too great for me and i scooped up a bit of the foam and chocolate powder to taste before i realised that i had wanted to photograph it. It still looks good though. I have been so taken by food and cookbooks recently. And i have been obsessed with anything chocolate inside a flaky puff pastry. Hence my baking pain au chocolats today. It turned out pretty well, especially when teemed with a nice big mug of coffee. Tomorrow, if the weather is clear, i'm going to the Good Living grower's market at Pyrmont to see if i can get some good, fresh vegetables. The supermarket is a terrible place to buy veggies from, i have since realised. I wish my budget allowed me to buy organic, but at the moment, i have to stick with the best of the worst. I feel like my life is expanding to incorporate many new interests and i am pleased. I am pleased with my myself. Might i even go so far as to say that at this very moment, i love myself? Yes, why not. Maybe tomorrow i'll wake up feeling sad. Maybe. But for today, everything's as it should be.
And for that, i give thanks.

I tried so hard

2006-10-26T13:26:00.000+10:00

I don't understand why it's so difficult sometimes. This morning, i made myself go out for breakfast. To do something that would make me happy. To forget. I hate that it's my rest day and instead of resting, i'm annoyed, angry, restless and upset. How is it that another person can make me feel this way? And why is it that i can't look beyond this and let it go.

Next year, i'm determined to go for a conference in New York. I'll work hard and get myself a place there. Things will change for me.

Worth

2006-10-23T11:13:00.000+10:00

Today, i baked a carrot cake with orange cream cheese frosting to the soundtrack from Amelie. I had it with a cup of coffee for afternoon tea. Now, i try to keep warm. It feels like winter all over again. So cold. I sit and write, trying to think. I am also intriged by some videos from youtube discussing notions of beauty sparked by Dove's "Evolution" video. Now i indulge in some self-reflexivity. What is beauty? What am i worth?

A secret place

2006-10-20T11:02:00.000+10:00

Today, i discovered another cafe on Crown St. in Surry Hills. I've been wanting to visit it for almost a year now but somehow, never did. Today however, fortuitously, i sat myself down and ordered a skim cappucino and fig and walnut toast. It's a small cafe which probably sits about seven people comfortably inside and about four outside. It has a lovely French feel to it, with items such as Pain au Chocolat and Bonne Mamma Jam on the menu written in a lovely cursive script and peach-coloured roses sitting in glass vases. (I remembered then that i need to learn French soon). It also serves croissants, a whole range of toast (including sour cherry) and sandwiches. The staff are smiley and my coffee was just the way i liked it. They gave me three slices of the fig and walnut toast, which was really generous i thought. And altogether, it only cost me $6.50. Bargain. It's been a long time since i went to a cafe and felt completely alive, like my dreams could come true and that life will be everything i thought it would be. And then some.
For the afternoons i feel like i need some Gen time, i will walk down in a flowy dress, order a coffee and a biscuit, listen to the sweet music playing, watch the people outside walk hurriedly and then. Rest.

On another note, the jacaranda trees are blooming! That means exam time is near and that means, more marking for me. Hurrah.

Back where i belong

2006-10-19T14:22:00.000+10:00

I am counting down the days till i go home for Christmas. Not long. Just 2 months. It seem like eternity. Maybe it's writing about home and reading about home and trying to academise home. Maybe i miss seeing the familiar and doing the familiar. Like sitting on my armchair (which my dad has since claimed) and devouring books after the last exam had ended, knowing i had three glorious months off. I miss watching a late afternoon movie at Lido with Mel or Rel and then coming out to a dark night, drizzle and wet sidewalks. The Christmas light-up and the rain would fill the air with romance. We would walk across the road to Starbucks, sit by our favourite window and order the Christmas drink. Really. It was that simple. Evening runs at the beach with my discman playing something Hillsong or my own evening mix. Sunday dinners with my aunties. The dismal walk home after. Nights spent staring out of the window dreaming about escaping.

And now i'm here. In this place i call...i call what? A transition? Second home? A place to rebuild myself?

I am rebuilding myself in a place where no one has known me for more than two years. Where i can pretend to be anyone i one. Except i am more myself now than i ever was. But it gets lonely sometimes. I was never alone in Singapore. There was always someone to see or something to do. Here, i spend my days alone at home, at uni, having coffee. Then Jon comes over and i forget about being lonely. Push it to the back of my mind. But then today comes, and it's back to sitting here with myself for company. Everything comes with a price.

What would it be like to have Jon with me in my home this Christmas? I will take him to my Starbucks, to my library, to my church, to my teh tarik store, to Borders, to Marche, to Little India. We will spend Christmas together. Someone new at our annual Christmas brunch filled with so much food. Walking at the beach, holding hands and having everyone stare at white and brown together. And then New Year's. Where we herald in a new year. Together. Our year.
I have the pleasure of bringing someone i love into my home, my world as i knew it. Two more months that feel like eternity.

2006-10-15T10:29:00.000+10:00