You are blue skies

Apart from the leaves-less trees lining the streets, you wouldn't be able to tell that winter is here. Some days, like today, it feels like spring.
(Walking to church in the morning with freshly washed hair, the gorgeous blue, cloudless skies above me and then singing with a faith community that loves God so much- what a way to begin the morning. Sunday mornings are so...easy.)

Other days though, like yesterday, it really does feel like winter.
(The rain falls about me as i look out of the cab wondering if maybe i should redirect the driver to the hospital. The cramps in my stomach bring tears to my eyes. I get home with just enough time to go to the toilet to throw up what seems like a week's worth of food. My skin is scarily sallow and i cannot stop shaking. I lay on the couch and Rel brings me some panadol and water, puts my quilt over me and starts tapping my leg lightly. This tapping reminds me of the way my aunt used to put me to sleep when i was younger and i finally drift off to sleep but not before i weep. I weep for the pain. The physical pain. The emotional pain. The mental torture. I weep for the past month which has been filled with trials. I weep for the love of a friend beside me.
I wake up with no pain.

Rel makes me some toast and we go to church. At church, during worship, the weeping begins yet again. I think back to Thursday night and the tears threaten to overflow. It's never easy to see the man you thought you could fall in love with holding another woman's hand. It's not supposed to be like this, i whisper to God. As i wipe the tears away with my hand, i know somehow that the boy is behind me.
He is.
What can i do but surrender all of this to the One who made me? Release. Peace.)

As i sit here typing, i try not to cry. I miss the liveliness that Jo and Rel brought to my house. I miss their presence in my room. I miss having them next to me in church. I miss, i miss, i miss.

This evening, Daryl called me Tel Aviv (as he usually does). "Bye Munchkin", Phillip said as i left. I remember all the hugs, kisses and words of affirmation that i received from my lovely friends here. I see the bunch of iris(es) sitting on my bedside table. There is a wonderful song playing on the radio. I had garlic bread and an apple, pear, lettuce and feta cheese salad for dinner.
I can't imagine not being here at this very moment.