You left me just when i needed you most

Last night left me wondering where God is when you need him the most.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

So, I went for the Singapore Idol recording and had the time of my life. Jo looked absolutely gorgeous in her pink dress and she sang Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered beautifully. I could hardly breathe during her whole performance because to watch her on stage is an experience in itself. She’s a born performer.
Alas, the judges gave her dismal comments. Don’t we all hate naysayers? And the chief judge, Ken, called her Joanne instead of Joanna, which infuriated me so much that I (and my other friend Joanna seated beside me) shouted out “It’s JoannA!” before being shushed by the floor manager. They’ll probably edit that bit out but really, I know Jo and she absolutely HATES it when people call her Joanne (not that there’s anything wrong with the name Joanne. I know many Joannes and they’re all lovely.). It’s simply a matter of having your name messed up in a television show. And not just any show, but Singapore Idol.
In my opinion, only Jo and two other girls (one sang I will survive and the other, If I ain’t got you (by Alicia Keys)) deserve to go through to the next round. There was this really cute guy (a nurse) whose voice, unfortunately, didn’t match his good looks. Chris was in this round too and he sang Your song. I have a soft spot for him. He looked so…eager during his rendition of this tune. Maybe the female population will put him through. He is boyishly handsome.

Once the Idol recording was over, Shane, Andrea and I took a cab down to City Hall so they could take a train back home and I, a bus.
And here’s where everything went wrong.

As I was waiting for the bus, I noticed that my hands were shaking terribly and that the tips of my fingers were turning blue. I could hardly stand up straight and my head was beginning to hurt. Trying not to be alarmed, I reached for my phone to call home. But my phone had died.

This was when I started getting slightly hysterical.
I tried to hail a cab but none of them wanted to stop. For a whole 20 minutes. I started praying, aloud, telling God that now would be a good time for Him to send some help my way.
But He remained silent.

I walked up to a woman and asked to borrow her phone and she looked at me suspiciously. But she did lend it to me and I called up my aunt, trying not to cry.
By this time, I was more than slightly hysterical for my heart was beating too fast for comfort and it did feel as if I was going to faint at any second. Still, I was sane enough to board a bus, though I hopped off when I saw a cab waiting a few stops away.
Once in the cab, I sipped some water for my mouth had gone very, very dry.
I reached my aunt’s place in ten minutes and sobbed for about an hour as I ate some toast and drank some warm Horlicks. With swollen, bloodshot eyes, I went to take a shower and then gratefully climbed into bed.

I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. I always thought that God would be there for me even if everyone else abandoned me.
But last night, he seemed very, very far away.
And I’m not sure if I can go to church tomorrow, feeling this way.

I just don't understand any of this and i'm not even sure if i'll understand it later. Anti-anxiety pills cum mood stabilisers are obviously not working.