That i may not cause pain

It's the sort of day where all you want to do is have a quilt wrapped snugly around you, take comfort in a cup of chai brewed with soy and honey in your hands and watch a Gilmore Girls DVD. It's so cold, almost winter-like. I got rained on coming home from my walk and took respite in a cafe. A hot shower made me feel better, as did breakfast.

One of my favourite bloggers, Christina from my topography had a poem by Dawna Markova on her entry for yesterday and it really resonated with me. I really do want to fully live my life but it is just so hard sometimes. Insecurities get in my way. Fear and anxiety get in my way. A desire to impress gets in my way. Dissatisfaction gets in my way. Harsh words get in my way. Unforgiveness and resentment get in my way.

I am trying to make this week better, starting with building my relationship with my husband. Like getting up early and making him breakfast, really listening to him when he talks and encouraging him.

Yesterday was nice. He waited for me at the bus interchange after work and all i could think of as i was getting off the bus was "i can't wait to see Jon". I walked up to him, gave him a kiss, and said, "i'm hungry".

He treated me to a hot chocolate and almond croissant at the Starbucks nearby.

That made me feel so special. I knew he was tired and probably wanted to get home but he still listened to my needs and insisted that i get a bite to eat. And then we went to the supermarket to get a capsicum and broccoli because i had forgotten them during the big shop for the week the day before. One of the magazines i read every month was out too so he got that for me.

(I was watching Oprah and Reba McEntire was on. She performed a song called "The only promise that remains" with Justin Timeberlake and i fell in love with it. It is true. Love is the only promise that remains when everything else fades away. Also listening to Delta Goodrem's "In this life", which some of the girls performed in church the other day. It's a secular song but it really makes me feel like i'm talking to God when i'm singing it.)

We walked home hand in hand, talking about random things.
It was such an excellent day, being good to each other.

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of failing or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova