Take me deeper

I went up to the Central Coast on Thursday for a church retreat. It feels as if i've been away for days and it feels strange being back home. I don't even know where to begin writing about what happened during the last three days. Or how to begin, even. I had so many God-given images flash before me- all the dreams i used to dream but became a bit too afraid to dream anymore, or hope. God is changing me every day and it's so hard trying to face up to everything i have tried to mask. But i must lift it all up to him and rely on his strength and grace to get me through. Because i cannot do it on my own. I don't want to.

I went down to the beach everyday during the retreat to spend some time with God alone. Just me, the ocean and God without any distractions. The first day, there was sunshine and brilliant blue skies. The heat pierced through my skin. The water was comfortably cool and we walked along the shore, thongs in hand, trying not to step on bluebottles. The second day, it was cloudy but still relatively mild. I watched the surfers getting on their boards, falling off and getting right back on again. I saw a grandpa and dad buliding sandcastles with their littlies. The third day, today, it was cold. The beach was mostly deserted. Rain was about to fall but i stayed seated on the sand early in the morning. I wrapped my arms around my knees in an attempt to keep warm. I sat, determined to quiet my soul. I wrote. There was something sublime about the crashing waves and cold wind.

I have an image of myself walking into the ocean without fear of drowning, with absolute trust. I walk in, meet with God and he baptises me.
I think about this and words fail me.