You feel like you're going where you've been before

It's been one of those weeks- the sort that leaves you grasping for explanations to questions you thought had already been answered. It's the sort of week where you stare into the mirror and every imperfection is magnified so all you see is scars and an abundance of flesh; a week where alone time makes you anxious and you count the minutes until you meet with another self; where your chest is tight every morning during your walk and you, with head bowed down and eyes downcast, make your way back home, your spirit despondent.

But still, there are good things.
Orange leaves fall from trees and form a cushion for my tired feet. Sunday morning coastal walks with Jon where i am momentarily enraptured by crashing waves and the smell of saltwater. And then we sit on the rocks and talk and as i stare into his beautifully crafted face, i am reminded of how much i love and like this person sitting beside me. There are times where i want to study his face so i can remember it exactly when he's away from me- the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles for example. Love comes with such an intensity that i think i cannot possibly love, truly love, more than once.
Still, other good things. I am re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series and am once again, completely spellbound by Anne. Two bosom (as Anne would say) friends have gotten engaged. Two others are expecting a baby. And also, peanut butter and honey on toast- how is it that i have never tried this wonderful concoction before? I am convinced that cold weather is bearable (but only just) if i can have my regular soy creamy hot cocoa with marshallows from Gloria Jean's on a regular basis. Worshipping, interceeding and blessing others have also occured to make me understand that it's not about me at all. So very good.

Uncertainty pervades every atom of my existence. But i'm sure this too, shall pass. In time i will understand reasons and seasons. Meanwhile, i try not to worry like a fool.