I'm learning how to live through a life i have to give

Today, i ran in the rain. I'm not a big fan of the rain, unless i'm indoors snuggled under the duvet. Then, i love the rain and thunder because it screams romance or the possiblity of it. During winter, i would see lovers huddled under a single unbrella, holding hands, ungloved, in long coats and scarves. I would be waiting for the bus, as is my life, and observing them almost yearningly. When it's cold, you just want a hand to hold. When it's raining, you want to put your arm around your man's waist, have him put his hand around your shoulder and hold the umbrella so you can simply concentrate on getting warm and enjoy loving and being loved. But still, rain when i'm outdoors doesn't do it for me. Today however, i went for a run as the sky began to darken. On the way back, i felt the first droplets of water fall. And all i could do was tilt my head to the heavens and say thank-you.
Because it has been a difficult week for me. It has been raining everyday and the temperature hovers at around 16 degrees celcius even though summer begins in two days. I've been spending my time at home eating because really, there is little else i feel like doing apart from getting some food in my system to fill the cracks in my heart. But today, i ran. I ran and i ran. I passed people who were off to dinner in their beautiful clothes. I passed people coming home from work. I ran. I run. Feeling empty and maybe even desolate. And then the rain began to fall on me, providing solace, letting my slate be washed clean so i can start anew.
I want to love without expectations. I try but it's hard and i give up. I become disappointed and sad and angry- angry with my self and angry with the Other. I want to wait faithfully and with absolute trust in God's perfect timing. It's hard but i tell myself that i cannot give up.

Now, i will go lie on my bed and listen to the sweet sound the rain makes as it pelts against my windows. I will close my eyes when the lightning strikes and bury my head under the covers. I will put some Lifehouse on because their music heals my soul.
Rain, warmth and music.
Maybe i will be ok after all.