Save me from this road i'm on

In front of me sits a draft of a chapter of my thesis which needs to be completed soon. It should have been completed two weeks ago but most of the time on the computer was spent looking for houses and after seeing too many too expensive apartments, the last thing i felt like doing was writing about home. The chapter stayed unwritten.

I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning because i know what lies ahead of me- more house hunting and more discouragement. More loneliness, more "I need someone to take care of me for a while- to cook my meals and listen to me" and finding no one. I go to bed with a deep heaviness pressing on my chest and wake up with that same heaviness still there. I hope that all of this i'm feeling can be attributed to not being able to find a house, rather than some deep issues that i didn't deal with in the past which have now decided to resurface.

I think back to happier times spent in a favourite cafe, sipping tea and being at peace. Now, i feel like i'm not allowed to love what i love. Suddenly, a book is not just a book but every title i pick up and am interested in has turned into a supposed insight into my psyche. But that doesn't keep me from dreaming about my library filled with such books...books that i've read over the years which i can look at, smile and remember the moment i read them.

None of this keeps me from dreaming. I dream of happier times to come, where i can walk down the street and stop for a coffee and croissant; where i can spend a day at Borders reading gossip magazines, Glamour and Real Simple without a care in the world; where i can take a ferry ride and sit by the ocean to think. I dream of completing my thesis and teaching what i love and changing lives. I dream of a beautiful wedding- white, strapless dress, many flowers and surrounded by family and friends. I dream of travels around the world- France, Ireland, Fiji, Israel. I dream, years from now, of sitting on the bench of a grand piano in the living room of my sun-filled house and playing a tune; of family dinners in the backyard; of children running around.

How long can dreams sustain me in the trials of today? How long will it be before loneliness overwhelmes me and causes me to retreat into my own little world? How long before love turns into indifference? How long will it be before i receive my miracle?