Found

Ever since i started on my thesis, i've felt reluctant to write in here. After spending six hours a day staring at the computer screen trying to get my brain to form a coherent, academic-worthy sentence, the thought of doing any other form of writing appeals very little. But maybe today, i can manage a wee bit.

Many things have been happening and i'm tired. The weak part of me wants to leave. I want a break. I want a good night's sleep in a foreign land, away from everyone. But then the other part of me, the strong warrior, princess, daughter of God part slaps me around (kindly) and tells me to rise up, sister. Because this is just the beginning of something beyond human comprehension. There is a battle going on inside of me and another one going on around me. I have a voice in my head that tells me to give up because this fight isn't going to be an easy fight. I'm going to be tired, frustrated, anxious and depressed. The other night, and it was only for two seconds, i thought about how easy it would be to go to sleep and not wake up. For those two seconds, the idea felt so good that it scared me.
But no, no, no. If i give in to any of these thoughts, that would mean that i haven't learnt a thing during my time here. If God has redeemed me but i don't walk in this redemptiom, then what is the point? Everyday then, has become moment after moment of talking myself out of misery, anxiety and condemnation and thinking i'm not good enough. My heart palpitates in church and it's all i can do to stop myself from running out of the hall. I wake up in the middle of the night and stare into the ceiling, willing it to be day time so i can wake up and remember that i'm alive for the darkness taunts me with feelings of desperateness.
And in the midst of this, is the feeling of alone-ness that has settled in my heart. it is a solitude i haven't felt in a while and mabe it's a good kind of solitude. If Jesus needed solitude, i'm sure i could do with a dose of it once in a while. But it's about learning when it's healthy and when it becomes a mental torment as you think that everyone has left you and that no one cares. I have heaps of people around me who love me and on a night this week, i understood that only God who would always be there and he is the only one i can rely on completely to fulfill all my needs. The alone-ness i felt pushed me into the arms of God and really, i was too tired to resist. I let myself be embraced by my loving Father and allowed him to assuage my broken heart.

Still the journey continues. My life is going to be turned around in the next month and it's my choice if i'm going to let myself be overwhelmed or if i'm going to believe that i'm being guided by the Holy Spirit who goes before me and who is my rear guard. I pray for strength to make the right choice and to emerge from all fo this a wiser, gentler woman. In the photo, my auntie runs into the water, not caring if her shoes get wet or that the water is freezing cold. In the same way, i want to run- cold, dirty feet are a small price to pay for what's on the other side.