Silver moon's sparkling

There are some moments where i am overcome with desire. to desire. My heart leaps and my shoulders loosen; my eyes close almost reflexively and i take a deep breath. I see his face. No, i feel his face. Cheek against cheek. to want. I think about the moment where i will drive up to his office and see him approaching in my rearview mirror. My hands will involuntarily straighten my hair and i will pretend that no, i didn't see you. "Oh, hello. Hey." And then the perfunctory greeting kiss. Not that perfunctory maybe since it doesn't always happen, especially if i'm angry, he's angry or there's a car honking me to move out so they can get my car space on Devonshire St. Sometimes, i think we're going to kiss and then it doesn't happen and i pretend that i didn't move my face a fraction to lean in closer to him. No, it didn't happen. I was just readjusting my seat. Other times, I don't care and cup my hands around his face and kiss like i know how. to enjoy. I want to always feel excited and that doesn't always happen. After a whole day of procrastinating, to enjoy something makes me feel guilty. So i pick him up, decide where to go for dinner and i drive like i know Sydney at the back of my hand. I change lanes, mutter under my breath when a car cuts in in front of me suddenly and then parallel park. He looks at me and i say "What?" in that tone of voice that i do so well. Slightly whingy. And he says, "I just like looking at you." And then i get all shy and wave away that comment. But inside, my heart is happy because i am with a man who likes looking at me. I try not to smile but i cannot help it. My left hand touches his cheek and turns his face away from mine. It's all new. to love. I don't know how to love in a way that is free. But i want to. I don't want to keep secret feelings buried inside which, in two years, result in raised voices and tears. I want to do what i have to do- complete this PhD, take photographs, write, cook, read, have tea. He does what he has to do- work, walk, programming, being intolerant to milk, compose music, write beautiful script that i can look at for hours, go to Peter's for lunch, have juice. And then we do what we have to- love, be kind, be generous, forgive, embrace, sit down at Centennial Park and watch happy families on a Sunday afternoon, have a cheap dinner at Curry in a Hurry, shop for groceries at Bondi Junction, sit in the car and decide where to go next.