Toast and tea

Hot, buttered toast and earl gray tea in the mornings make me happy. Freshly showered, sitting by the window, letting the cool air soothe my body and that first bite of toast- there's nothing like it.

Flowers make me happy

Seeing these beautiful yellow flowers as i drive past always makes me happy. They're so vibrant, so full of life.

Foolish heart, looks like we're here again

What a mess I've made of my existence.

But You love me even now

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty

Cause You see the real me.

- Natalie Grant, The real me

So many people love you baby, that must be what you are

Today, i had cuddles in the morning. Today, i had good cup of coffee. Today, i had morning tea in a beautiful building with a good friend. Today, i wore a pretty dress. Today, i took a detour during my walk. Today, i walked past a cafe where something sweet was being baked (i could smell it). Today, i sat and watched the ocean. Today, i turn 26. And i'm happy. A great family, great man by my side and great friends near and far. Really couldn't ask for anything more.

sunsets and other comforts

I wait for him as he gets ready for bed, watch him climb in next to me and then let out a sigh of content as he wraps me in his arms.
Every night, i fall asleep on Jonathan's chest. It is my favourite thing to do.

That i may not cause pain

It's the sort of day where all you want to do is have a quilt wrapped snugly around you, take comfort in a cup of chai brewed with soy and honey in your hands and watch a Gilmore Girls DVD. It's so cold, almost winter-like. I got rained on coming home from my walk and took respite in a cafe. A hot shower made me feel better, as did breakfast.

One of my favourite bloggers, Christina from my topography had a poem by Dawna Markova on her entry for yesterday and it really resonated with me. I really do want to fully live my life but it is just so hard sometimes. Insecurities get in my way. Fear and anxiety get in my way. A desire to impress gets in my way. Dissatisfaction gets in my way. Harsh words get in my way. Unforgiveness and resentment get in my way.

I am trying to make this week better, starting with building my relationship with my husband. Like getting up early and making him breakfast, really listening to him when he talks and encouraging him.

Yesterday was nice. He waited for me at the bus interchange after work and all i could think of as i was getting off the bus was "i can't wait to see Jon". I walked up to him, gave him a kiss, and said, "i'm hungry".

He treated me to a hot chocolate and almond croissant at the Starbucks nearby.

That made me feel so special. I knew he was tired and probably wanted to get home but he still listened to my needs and insisted that i get a bite to eat. And then we went to the supermarket to get a capsicum and broccoli because i had forgotten them during the big shop for the week the day before. One of the magazines i read every month was out too so he got that for me.

(I was watching Oprah and Reba McEntire was on. She performed a song called "The only promise that remains" with Justin Timeberlake and i fell in love with it. It is true. Love is the only promise that remains when everything else fades away. Also listening to Delta Goodrem's "In this life", which some of the girls performed in church the other day. It's a secular song but it really makes me feel like i'm talking to God when i'm singing it.)

We walked home hand in hand, talking about random things.
It was such an excellent day, being good to each other.

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of failing or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

the house we call home

some photos of the house:

somebody show me

In the past three weeks, we've gotten married, moved Jon's things from his place to my place, went on our honeymoon and then moved from my place to our own place.

The past week has been difficult, as moving usually is. I've tried to be as serene as possible, taking things as they come. Unpacking was frightful. I hated it. And all that mess.

But now, it's nice. Our own place. A 10 minute walk from our favourite beach. The house that almost landed at our feet when we weren't looking. Beautiful timber floors in the hallway and living area. Carpeted rooms. So much storage. A sunroom attached to the master bedrom where i intend to place a daybed. A big kitchen. A veranda. Lovely, lovely neighbours. A shared lawn where our flowers have nicely settled in and are waiting for some coriander, mint and parsley to join them. It's such a peaceful house, exactly what we need at this very moment. Some peace.

I've carved out my own spaces and activities- sitting on the couch with my feet up, some english breakfast next to me and the rustling leaves outside for company. When the wind blows, the heat of almost-summer is made bearable; the kitchen where i can spend all day looking out of the window or gazing out on the garden whilst i cook or wash the dishes. The vase of flowers on the kitchen trolley. When the late afternoon sun comes streaming in through the windows there, everything feels like it's going to be ok; the bathroom, which i love. Not huge but just right. A bath. Light green handtowel. A four tier cane and white cabinet that holds everything. My magazines on the cabinet. A small vase of flowers. Casuarina home fragrance from Crabtree and Evelyn. Our goggles hanging up; the sunroom which i have so many ideas for. To sit in the morning, with the sunlight on my face. All breezy and beautiful.

It's taking a lot of getting used to, being married. But at the end of a long day, when i'm snuggled up in his arms in our bed, it all feels right.