Go where your heart is

I searched through all my photographs trying to find just the right one and found this. A heart. So simple. Love. Just pure, sweet love. Not perfect by any means but one that endures through imperfections and quarrels and whatever life decides to bring your way. A "Let's sit on the grass, hold hands and look at the stars" kind of love. Nothing fancy. A "Let's spend our Sunday afternoon putting together some complicated furniture from IKEA kind of love." Something ordinary, but really quite extraordinary. That's what i want.

If you believe that dreams come true,
There's One that's waiting there for you.
Because I believed when I saw You
That when you want something enough,
That it can't escape Your love.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be...
If you believe
Rachael Lampa, If you believe

I've never heard this song before but the words make me smile. I'm thinking when God said to "Believe", he meant it in more ways than one. Right at this moment, i hear the faint strains of Superstrong God coming from Lisa and Charlie's room and am grateful that my stronger than strong God is fighting my battles for me and loving me like i've never been loved before. Superstrong God, you love me. Superstrong God, you made me...

It's my parents' 25th wedding anniversary today. 25 years. If my parents hadn't gotten married, i wouldn't have been born and this world would have been altogether different. Out of love comes life.

Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad.

My beginning, my forever

During worship in church last night, i asked God what i had to do to get out of this thing i feel i've put myself in. I am filled with so much fear and uncertainty that the mere thought of not knowing brings tears to my eyes. The thought of not being in Sydney next year; the thought of being alone; the thought of actually writing a dissertation- i cannot think.
Some moments, i want to crawl under the table and hide till i find some answers. Other moments, i remember the promises of God and want to live, unafraid.

And then there are times, like this present moment, that i think i cannot, i cannot, i cannot because i'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, just Not Enough.
I want to get out of this.

Last night, God simply said: "Believe".
So i need to believe. I need to step out in faith and remember that i'm not alone. I have never been alone and i never will be. God has called me here and he is not going to abandon me, despite how abandoned i may feel. I need to believe, take courage and then i need to press on.



I fall at your feet. Help me, Father.

Held

It feels good to be back in Sydney. Everything is as it should be. There is a lot of love. Australia Day was spent sleeping in, unpacking, pottering around the house and walking to Corelli's for soy chai. But the best thing (amidst the pain that comes from being away from family), the very best thing is seeing Lisa and little Charlie. I am enjoying capturing Mum and Bubs receiving and giving love so freely.

It's all new to me, where you don't have to do anything to be loved.

Not a day goes by

I woke up this morning thinking of the bizarre dream i just had and then remembered that the first thing i was supposed to do every morning was to ask God what he wanted me to do for the rest of the day. It's the latest exercise in my attempts to listen to God's voice and follow his instructions. Well, i asked and he answered saying, "I want you to write."
What can you do after you hear something like that?
I packed the laptop and all my notes and trudged through the rain (i have forgotten what blue skies look like) to my aunts' place where i sat down in the room, put some music on and began writing.

I have begun writing my thesis.

In a way, this is the beginning. My academic dreams seem to have seen the light once again and my love for cultures and people has been ignited. I found a book on Native American Wisdom and remembered the days i spent reading up on Native American tribes and simply appreciating their way of life- so simple and earthly. I dreamt of living with them and writing about their rituals and food and oh, just writing their lives.

I was a young, naive undergraduate then and knew little about what ethnographic fieldwork entailed. I was a Romantic. Now, i am a less young postgraduate (still a bit Romantic) who has a little inkling of what it takes to immerse yourself in a different culture. It's hard.
But i still dream of travelling with my research and writing because this is me. I dream of walking the streets in Paris and talking to people. I dream of taking photographs in Africa. I dream of using my talents to change the world for the better.

"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
Psalm 32:8 NLT

I don't know what's going to happen but at least i know God is guiding me and protecting me and i only need to listen to him carefully.
I'm so glad God wants the very best for me.

La lune trop pale caresse l'opale de tes yeux blases

I took this photo whilst the world was passing me by in the car last night. Raindrops lingered on the window and as the car moved quickly along the highway, i decided to snap a picture.

I love that oftentimes, it's difficult to know how something is going to turn out but we do it anyway. We take a risk and jump into a whirlpool of uncertainty. Sometimes, the outcome is perfect, just as we thought it would be. Other times, it's something else altogether- unexpected and definitely not perfect.
But after a bit, it all starts to make sense and we say, "Ah". Maybe it's even beautiful.

This morning, i heard Rufus Wainwright's La Complainte de la Butte on my mp3 player and i didn't understand half of it.
But that's ok too. Because i do understand loss and longing and i appreciate a good melody.

I don't need to know everything.

The moon, all too white, caresses the light in your world-weary eyes

And you ask me what i want this year

Last night, i watched The Family Stone which allowed me, for a while at least, to be swept away in something make-belief. Certain scenes stole my heart with their subtleness- head on chest, a kiss, conversations, snow on the sidewalks. It made me understand home and that for me, home is really someplace else where i get to begin again and experience love and loving.

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
-Goo Goo Dolls, Better Days