Can i handle the seasons of my life?

Sometimes, you got to learn to live.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

Kids: The perfect remedy for a troubled soul


I don't have much time left in this country and i want to spend the rest of my days being happy. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to worry unnecessarily. I don't want to cry.

I need to start packing. Soon.

The love that keeps us strong

"Friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them"




June is truly a gift from God. She affirms me, gives me advice, consoles me, supports me, encourages me, and stops me from doing silly things. She prays with me and for me. She makes me laugh.
I tell her that she has to meet the man i plan to marry before i proceed with the wedding. Because if she thinks something is wrong, something probably is.
I have no idea what i'm going to do without June when i'm away. But i love her and treasure her friendship and i guess that's all that matters.

Better than ice-cream

Oh my goodness. Sarah Mclachlan will be in Sydney on March 20. At the Opera House.
I adore Sarah.
Oh my goodness.

Everything i have i owe to You

"Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5

It's funny really, how people say i, a medically certified depressed and anxiety-prone individual, make them happy just by being around. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
I know i've changed. My heart is less burdened, my mind is clearer. And i don't want to think that a pill i take every day is the sole reason for my change in disposition. The pill helps for sure but i have learnt to let go and i think that's been the main reason for this change. I don't wake up in the morning thinking about all the people who've let me down. I wake up in the morning realising that it's a new day full of possibilities. I try not to let the little things bring me down, and let me just say that that in itself is a challenge for someone like me.
I remember when i locked myself in my room for three days last year, crying. When my dad finally made me open the door and asked what was wrong, all i could say was "I'm just not good enough. I'm.Just.Not.Good.Enough."
What i now know for sure is this- I am good enough. I have always been good enough. I am beautiful, intelligent and talented. I am blessed! I will face difficulties; there will be days where getting out of bed seems like a chore; panic attacks will hit me when i least expect them to.

But because i know that the the sun can still unexpectedly shine on the cloudiest of days, i have hope. Hope that things will be ok. Hope that i will get through the dark times.
And because i'm a Christian, i have faith. Faith that God will not give me anything i cannot handle. Faith that He is here with me, always.
During my walk this morning, the Lord assured me of his presence in my life, now and forever. Oh, the relief.

So, if you say that i make you happy, know that it has come out of years of doubt, disbelief and pain. I have changed.
And i owe it all to God.

I'm going to have to eventually give you away

The sky is so blue, it looks like a picture you'd find inside a travel magazine- almost unreal, probably photoshopped. The heat is bearable only because of the beauty that a sky this blue brings with it- the trees are greener, the pinkness of the hibiscus makes you stop and stare, your skin is so radiant, it glows. You think- This, this is why i live. Nothing may be going right in my life but i've got blue skies, baby. I've got blue skies.

In the morning, the leaves fall about me as i walk. The lake feels like the respite i've been searching for. The waves crash against the rocks. The air seems to hold so much promise. "I can do anything", i tell myself. And for a moment, i even believe it.

I think about standing in the kitchen on a Wednesday afternoon as the sun streams in from the French doors. Songs from yesteryear play on the radio, softly. The pale yellow of the butter and sugar i've creamed is so pretty, i get lost in it. And then you come in and twirl me around, planting a kiss on my lips. "I love you. I love you, i love you, i love you. I LOVE YOU."

The little girl sitting opposite you in the cafe has chocolate frosting all over her mouth. You reach over to wipe her clean. You smile because she is your daughter and you love her with a love so powerful, you never before thought it possible. Mother and daughter sit in companionable silence.

Eveningtime-
You sip your tea, bite into a sugar roll and read.
The pink flowers glisten in the evening sunlight.
The radio plays on.
You are safe.

We were destined to shine

Dearest Rel, I am so happy for you. Love, Gen.

You are my world

Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, let me stand;
I am tired, i am weak, i am worn;
Through the storm, through the night, lead me on to the light;
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When my way grows drear, Precious Lord linger near,
when my life is almost gone;
Hear my cry, hear my call, Hold my hand lest i fall;
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When the darkness appears, and the night draws near;
And the day is past and gone,
At the river i stand, Guide my feet, hold my hand:
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

It's just hard sometimes, you know? I try to take everything in my stride; i try to drown out the harsh words; i try not to become annoyed at the littlest thing; i try to be patient. I try.
Lord, help me.

Unforgettable

Ceiling display at Tangs


I took that photo whilst walking around town with Mel yesterday.
I love the caramel lattes from Starbucks.
Clinique's "Happy heart" makes me...well, happy.

When you know that you know

This. My home for the next two years.
Yes, I've been accepted into the University of Sydney's graduate school. I will be studying sociology.
Me. In grauduate school.

It hasn't sunk in yet.

I wanna dance with somebody who loves me

I'm got so many things on my mind now that it's no wonder I constantly ask myself if insanity will one day (soon) take hold of me. This state of mind (unfortunately) led me to do something i only recently vowed never to do. Yes, i succumed and sent him a text message. Why, why, why? This little (or not so little) act made me check my phone every few minutes, wondering if he'd reply.
He did, a few hours later.
I read the message. I re-read the message. And then i deleted it. Go me.

Just yesterday, i watched an episode of Oprah, based on a book titled "He's just not that into you". The author of the book was telling women how to spot if the guy they were interested in or were in a relationship with was into them. Through this episode, i learnt that most guys weren't really interested in me at all. Because they may ACT interested but if they didn't DO anything, then really, what's the point? I live with the hope that someday a guy i like will like me back enough to ask me out. (Yes, i could ask him out, but i'm just too much of a coward.)

Today, i watched the episode of Ally where they discussed soulmates and the fear of being alone. Just what i needed to perk me up.

Today, i also watched 13 going on 30 (again for the fourth time). When Billy Joel started singingVienna, i felt sad. When the opening bars to Liz Phair's Why can't i came on, i felt very sad.

This evening, Cheryl and I heard Russel Watson sing You are so beautiful and remarked on the niceness of having someone sing that to us. You're everything I hoped for, You're everything I need, You are so beautiful to me... I mentioned that i would marry the guy who sang that to me. (I was caught up in the moment.)

Now, i wonder if the the University of Sydney will ever get back to me. I've got a good mind to stay put in Singapore.

With all these happenings, there are still many things to be thankful for. Like hanging around with my fairly young (15-17 year old) friends. They're like a breath of fresh air. They remind me of how i used to be.

And so, it continues.




Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Today, we sang for Estelle's wake. Estelle was a 4-year victim of the tsunami. I don't have to tell you that it was sad. I have been grieving for all the victims for a week. It's emotionally tiring but i cannot help it.
If this tragedy has taught us anything, let it be that we should never take our loved ones for granted, for we do not know the time nor the hour of our passing.
I spent the afternoon wondering how i was going to entertain the friends and family who were coming to my place for dinner. I know i didn't feel like being happy.
But my friends and my family came. And their presence eased my sadness. Every hug and kiss i received reminded me of the love that surrounds me. Every photo taken reminded me of memories and friendship. The food we ate reminded me to be thankful. The songs we sang reminded me of God's gifts and blessings.
How lucky we are.
How lucky i am.

Gen and Brenda

Gen, Darren and Cheryl

Greg and Gen

Cheryl and Gen

Marilyn, Gen, Jeremy

Party at my place

At our New Year's Eve storybook costume party- me as the shopaholic and Jeremy as Cinderella's ugly stepsister

The adorable Teresa

Gen, Marissa, Mel

The sun is getting high, we're moving on

So, it's a new year.
We haven't seen the sun in a week.
Too many lives have been lost.

Life is too short not to treasure every single moment of it. For all the bad things that have happened, i say this: "It's ok. I've become stronger." For all the good things that have happened, i say, "Thank-you. Thank. You." I face the new year with uncertainty but not fear. Fear keeps you from doing, from experiencing, from learning, from trusting. I want to do so many things. I want to be the best daughter/niece/sister/friend i can be.
I want.

I am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me.
- Lucille Clifton, from Good Women: Poems and a Memoir 1969-1980