I'm learning how to live through a life i have to give

Today, i ran in the rain. I'm not a big fan of the rain, unless i'm indoors snuggled under the duvet. Then, i love the rain and thunder because it screams romance or the possiblity of it. During winter, i would see lovers huddled under a single unbrella, holding hands, ungloved, in long coats and scarves. I would be waiting for the bus, as is my life, and observing them almost yearningly. When it's cold, you just want a hand to hold. When it's raining, you want to put your arm around your man's waist, have him put his hand around your shoulder and hold the umbrella so you can simply concentrate on getting warm and enjoy loving and being loved. But still, rain when i'm outdoors doesn't do it for me. Today however, i went for a run as the sky began to darken. On the way back, i felt the first droplets of water fall. And all i could do was tilt my head to the heavens and say thank-you.
Because it has been a difficult week for me. It has been raining everyday and the temperature hovers at around 16 degrees celcius even though summer begins in two days. I've been spending my time at home eating because really, there is little else i feel like doing apart from getting some food in my system to fill the cracks in my heart. But today, i ran. I ran and i ran. I passed people who were off to dinner in their beautiful clothes. I passed people coming home from work. I ran. I run. Feeling empty and maybe even desolate. And then the rain began to fall on me, providing solace, letting my slate be washed clean so i can start anew.
I want to love without expectations. I try but it's hard and i give up. I become disappointed and sad and angry- angry with my self and angry with the Other. I want to wait faithfully and with absolute trust in God's perfect timing. It's hard but i tell myself that i cannot give up.

Now, i will go lie on my bed and listen to the sweet sound the rain makes as it pelts against my windows. I will close my eyes when the lightning strikes and bury my head under the covers. I will put some Lifehouse on because their music heals my soul.
Rain, warmth and music.
Maybe i will be ok after all.

You just walk on by

This is probably my favourite birthday photo, taken at brunch on Sunday morning.

As i sit here, typing as a 24 year old, i am reminded of a poem by Lucille Clifton i read a while back:

i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me

The old years blow back like the wind.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing ring ting tingle-ing too

And so it has come. The long awaited for Christmas drinks from Starbucks. I can't even begin to explain how these red cups make me feel. Last night, i ordered a grande peppermint mocha and walked to the bus stop in the cold. I am loving the spring weather, which is filled with much blue sky and sunshine but also sudden bouts of rain and winds that threaten to carry you away. I like going to the beach wearing my yellow tube and eating some gelato but i also love sitting down in a cafe drinking a bowl of chai latte, people-watching and waiting for the rain to stop...and walking to the bus stop with a peppermint mocha in hand. I've always thought of myself as a Spring baby and in Australia, i truly am one as my birthday falls in November. I had a fantastic weekend that was spent with people i adore and i am truly relishing every single moment of everyday. This weekend holds so much promise and excitement as my flatmate, Lisa, and i are both celebrating our birthdays. On Saturday night, we're going out for baked pumpkin for Lisa's celebration and on Sunday morning, my friends are organizing a brunch for me at the beach. I will wear my new white wraparound dress, white sandals, turquoise beads around my neck and yellow flower in my hair. On Monday, Lisa's having her birthday celebration no.2 on my actual birth date. It's funny.

Next week, i will have the gingerbread latte. And then, the creme brulee latte. And then we will have our tree up with pretty fairy lights and ornaments. And then i will leave. And then i will return.

It's Christmastime and i'm listening to my dearest Clay, whom i've sadly abandoned since coming to Australia, sing Christmas carols. The sun is shining outside and we're having lemon butter asparagas pasta for dinner. I've completed my assignment and i can actually take some time out to read a magazine now. I have crisp white linen on my bed and i just received a birthday card from my family.
It's all good.

And it feels like now

I had woken up in the morning with a pounding headache, as if i hadn't slept in days. I was spent- physically, mentally and emotionally and my spirit was reacting to this.

And then i went to the beach. I stood on a little hill and looked out into the ocean. A storm was approaching and the waves were crashing against the rocks, almost angrily. The sound of the waves, however, remained soothing as only the sound of the waves can be. The smell, salty. It all seemed so familiar and i instantly felt something deep inside the reaches of my heart, my innermost soul, connecting with this. I let myself go. I let go of my inhibitions; i let go of my tiredness; i let go of my ill health; i let go of my anxiety.
I walk down to the sand and sit. The spiritual nature of the moment is overwhelming. I have my worship CD on and i feel the extent of God's unconditional love for me. I look up into the sky with my eyes closed and breathe in health and trust and safety.

I relinquish control.