Lights will guide you home

Maybe it's being back in a place i used to call home. Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's the Christmas lights. Maybe it's Christmas.
But i'm just feeling out of sorts.
Maybe it's loneliness.
Maybe it's remorse.

Maybe it's wisdom reminding me of what i already know.

Today, i ate a gingerbread man and had a chai latte. I also had a skim latte whilst waiting for the bus because my soul needed some coffee to go with the rain and Christmas lights. I am listening to Josh Groban's When you say you love me and dreaming in the bus.
Everything passes me by.

He's got your picture in his mind

Say goodnight not good-bye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are

In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye

Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep

You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight not good-bye

-Beth Nielsen Chapman, Say goodnight


I sometimes feel as if i set myself up for disappointment. Over and over again. I let myself be swept away by fantasies and dreams and then i get a phonecall that reminds me of fallibility and of the need to guard my heart. God has been trying to teach me something and i didn't listen.
However, i am now slowly realising that at the end of the day, it's all about Jesus. And that God alone is enough because my soul finds rest in Him and Him alone.

Goodnight, Sydney.

I know you're out there doing what you got to do

I want to love you
You make me smile
You have beautiful eyes
And we can talk
like friends who have known each other for two years
But i only met you yesterday
in the eveningtime
before the stars came out
You sat next to me wearing that white shirt
and talked about her.
I tilted my head to the right
and listened.

I always do.


He's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

My heart is a little achey right now.

I'm waiting for tonight, then waiting for tomorrow

It's been a good Saturday. I went to bed at 2:30 on Saturday morning, after attending an ice-cream party. I had a couple of scoops of Kahlua, Mango Sorbet, Turkish Delight, Black Sesame, Dulche something-or-another and Death by Chocolate. I volunteered to be the ice-cream scooper, which worked out rather nicely. My competitive side, dormant for so long, emerged when the board games came out.

I came home with some Mango Sorbet in hand.

The first part of Saturday was spent dancing and being silly with kids in the neighbourhood, as well as meeting some really cool people from church who have been working with these kids for a long time. I can't even begin to describe what working with kids does to and for me. I want to hold them and love them so much. It makes me want to weep sometimes. When we were all in the bus and the leaders got everyone singing Awesome God at the top of their lungs, my heart leapt for joy. Imagine a bus full of kids singing about the awesomeness of God.

We had yummy kiddy pasta for lunch and then my flatmate Lisa surprised me with a visit when i was working with the kids! It was lovely. We made our way to Bondi beach so i could visit my favorite bookstore cafe, Gertrude & Alice, one last time before i leave for Singapore for 5 weeks on Friday. I wrote three poems. And i had a soy cappuccino. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah was playing, and then Radiohead's No surprises. It was a good moment.

Now, we're off to watch the boy-who-warmed-my-hands perform with his rock band. And i'm feeling weepy, yet again, because i know Lisa is tired but she's still accompanying me to see the boy. I love her muchly.

[And now we're back. Boy was singing Lifehouse when we arrived. It figures.]

If i close my eyes, i'm walking by the river again.

Would you catch me if i fall out of what i fell in?

 


I keep on thinking: "When will it be my turn?" When can i sit back to back with my boy and read? Or stare into the sky? Or enjoy the feel of my back against his?

I've reached a stage where i'm beginning to sort all my issues out and am finally freeing myself from stuff. I like me. Actually, i think i'm pretty cool.
So, the question is really, "Where is my man hiding?". I have lovely guy friends here who warm my hands (sorry to disappoint girls, but he's just my mate. Although he does make me smile and he is reeeallly cute.), buy me chocolate shakes and send me home. And i'm so pleased that i've actually been able to cultivate some good friendships with men because they just bring something totally different into your life. Which we like.

But still: "Where is my man?"

[I blame this on the holiday season. There's nothing like the thought of another Christmas and New Year's alone to make you get all introspective about men and singlehood. I cannot wait for the day when God will bring this man i've been whinging for so i can stop whinging and revel in the loveliness of it all. And look back at this entry and have a good laugh.
Or maybe it's just the weather. It was 40 degrees celcius today. That's just too hot for rational thinking.]

I love the way the simple things just are

I cannot believe that in exactly fourteen days, i will be back in Singapore. It's almost surreal. I've spent the past couple of weeks desperately trying to not think about going back because it's beyond me to even think about what it's going to be like to see everyone again; to drive away from the airport along the East Coast Parkway; to see the Christmas tree all done up in my house; to step into my old church; to play my piano; to see the shadows fall across my bed; to laugh with familiar people; to drink sweet tea; to run at the beach; to talk about boys with my friends; to drink coffee from the Starbucks at Liat Towers after a movie; to see beautiful sunsets from my room...

It's all old and it's all new at the same time.
And i absolutely cannot wait.

How incredibly blessed am i to have two places i can call home- one in Sydney where i wake up everyday feeling worthy and just right because it's where i'm meant to be and where i'm probably meant to be for a while and then one in Singapore where all my lovelies are (and where i can talk about Clay all i want and people don't ask five minutes into the conversation, "Um...who is this guy?")

I am also looking forward to five weeks of doing no laundry, cooking no food, buying no groceries. I am looking forward to not walking 45 minutes to work everyday, to not having to wait an hour for public transport on Sunday night; to be able to afford to take buses just because i can afford it (the only reason i walk everywhere in Sydney is because i cannot afford to spend $2.70 on a bus ride three times a day. The fabulous legs as a result of all that walking are but a bonus); to eat familiar home-cooked food; to get a little breather from some of the boys here who have made me cry and run away.

I will however, miss the boy who warms my hand and makes me smile. Yesterday, after a splendid shopping trip at Bondi, i was in the bus on the way home and passed by his street. My heart started to beat just a little bit faster.

So many things to look forward to.