Suitcase of memories

This is where i spend most of my days. This is my university. Most days, i berate myself for not brigning my camera along for just as i am hurriedly walking from the John Wooley building where my office is to the Fisher library, i see colours (oh, how i adore colours) and shapes that deserve to be captured. The way the afternoon sunlight falls against the wooden door, the way the cafe looks under the blue skies, the people in their scarves wrapped tightly around their necks- blue, red, yellow, green- all walking determinedly to wherever. The sandstone building sheltering the main quadrangle never fails to take my breath away. That buliding after all is what made me fall in love with this place. I see photographs wherever i go, that's how my mind works.
So on Thursday this week, i put my camera in my bag and walked my merry way to uni. Just at the right time, a woman in a red coat was standing next to a tree full of green leaves; shadows were where i wanted them to be; the sky was as blue as can be. My camera couldn't stop clicking. I was doing what i do best- finding beauty in the surroundings.

Do you know how i love you?

I feel so loved. I feel so in-love. I love my surprise yellow daffodils. I love him for taking care of me when i had the most awful stomach cramps- him holding me until i fell into a deep sleep and then making me toast with honey and tea just the way i like it when i woke up. I love his gentleness. I love his patience in teaching me how to spin an Australian football. I love us packing up my room together. I love the kisses on the cheek and the way his hand holds my face when he does that. I love lying together on the grass in the park beneath the blue skies. I love sitting next to him in the cafe as we wait (two very hungry people) for the food to arrive; he reads the papers and i read a home deco magazine. I love looking at him and wanting to jump and down crazily because he's mine. At times i can hardly breathe.

(I love my boy.)

Silver moon's sparkling

There are some moments where i am overcome with desire. to desire. My heart leaps and my shoulders loosen; my eyes close almost reflexively and i take a deep breath. I see his face. No, i feel his face. Cheek against cheek. to want. I think about the moment where i will drive up to his office and see him approaching in my rearview mirror. My hands will involuntarily straighten my hair and i will pretend that no, i didn't see you. "Oh, hello. Hey." And then the perfunctory greeting kiss. Not that perfunctory maybe since it doesn't always happen, especially if i'm angry, he's angry or there's a car honking me to move out so they can get my car space on Devonshire St. Sometimes, i think we're going to kiss and then it doesn't happen and i pretend that i didn't move my face a fraction to lean in closer to him. No, it didn't happen. I was just readjusting my seat. Other times, I don't care and cup my hands around his face and kiss like i know how. to enjoy. I want to always feel excited and that doesn't always happen. After a whole day of procrastinating, to enjoy something makes me feel guilty. So i pick him up, decide where to go for dinner and i drive like i know Sydney at the back of my hand. I change lanes, mutter under my breath when a car cuts in in front of me suddenly and then parallel park. He looks at me and i say "What?" in that tone of voice that i do so well. Slightly whingy. And he says, "I just like looking at you." And then i get all shy and wave away that comment. But inside, my heart is happy because i am with a man who likes looking at me. I try not to smile but i cannot help it. My left hand touches his cheek and turns his face away from mine. It's all new. to love. I don't know how to love in a way that is free. But i want to. I don't want to keep secret feelings buried inside which, in two years, result in raised voices and tears. I want to do what i have to do- complete this PhD, take photographs, write, cook, read, have tea. He does what he has to do- work, walk, programming, being intolerant to milk, compose music, write beautiful script that i can look at for hours, go to Peter's for lunch, have juice. And then we do what we have to- love, be kind, be generous, forgive, embrace, sit down at Centennial Park and watch happy families on a Sunday afternoon, have a cheap dinner at Curry in a Hurry, shop for groceries at Bondi Junction, sit in the car and decide where to go next.

Found

Ever since i started on my thesis, i've felt reluctant to write in here. After spending six hours a day staring at the computer screen trying to get my brain to form a coherent, academic-worthy sentence, the thought of doing any other form of writing appeals very little. But maybe today, i can manage a wee bit.

Many things have been happening and i'm tired. The weak part of me wants to leave. I want a break. I want a good night's sleep in a foreign land, away from everyone. But then the other part of me, the strong warrior, princess, daughter of God part slaps me around (kindly) and tells me to rise up, sister. Because this is just the beginning of something beyond human comprehension. There is a battle going on inside of me and another one going on around me. I have a voice in my head that tells me to give up because this fight isn't going to be an easy fight. I'm going to be tired, frustrated, anxious and depressed. The other night, and it was only for two seconds, i thought about how easy it would be to go to sleep and not wake up. For those two seconds, the idea felt so good that it scared me.
But no, no, no. If i give in to any of these thoughts, that would mean that i haven't learnt a thing during my time here. If God has redeemed me but i don't walk in this redemptiom, then what is the point? Everyday then, has become moment after moment of talking myself out of misery, anxiety and condemnation and thinking i'm not good enough. My heart palpitates in church and it's all i can do to stop myself from running out of the hall. I wake up in the middle of the night and stare into the ceiling, willing it to be day time so i can wake up and remember that i'm alive for the darkness taunts me with feelings of desperateness.
And in the midst of this, is the feeling of alone-ness that has settled in my heart. it is a solitude i haven't felt in a while and mabe it's a good kind of solitude. If Jesus needed solitude, i'm sure i could do with a dose of it once in a while. But it's about learning when it's healthy and when it becomes a mental torment as you think that everyone has left you and that no one cares. I have heaps of people around me who love me and on a night this week, i understood that only God who would always be there and he is the only one i can rely on completely to fulfill all my needs. The alone-ness i felt pushed me into the arms of God and really, i was too tired to resist. I let myself be embraced by my loving Father and allowed him to assuage my broken heart.

Still the journey continues. My life is going to be turned around in the next month and it's my choice if i'm going to let myself be overwhelmed or if i'm going to believe that i'm being guided by the Holy Spirit who goes before me and who is my rear guard. I pray for strength to make the right choice and to emerge from all fo this a wiser, gentler woman. In the photo, my auntie runs into the water, not caring if her shoes get wet or that the water is freezing cold. In the same way, i want to run- cold, dirty feet are a small price to pay for what's on the other side.