Le Banquet

Some afternoons, i sit down and have a cup of tea whilst doing something fun, like reading the newspapers. I like putting my feet up and watching the shadows the afternoon sun casts on the ground. I can feel the warmth, although i am tucked away in a coolish corner. During those afternoons, i think back to the afternoons i used to sit in the armchair in my old room in my parents' house and devour 'Country Home', pages filled with white lace, lavender, homemade bread and French antiques. When i closed my eyes, i could smell the heady scent of lavender as i walked through fields of it; i could taste the warm bread in my mouth, slathered in butter and jam; I was the woman on the bicycle, riding home with fresh flowers and a baguette in her little white basket. I would walk up to my apartment and sit down to write in a little corner of the room, disturbed only by the sounds made by schoolchildren laughing as they walked home and the singing birds. There were flower pots in my balcony. I was surrounded by happiness- happy sights, happy smells, happy thoughts. My white and blue striped cotton shirt kept me cool as i cooked a simple dinner of spaghetti, basil and crushed garlic in olive oil. There was nothing to worry about. I had food, i had my writing. I didn't need a body to keep me warm at night. My body kept itself warm by being enclosed in a cocoon of joy and dreams that had come true. A simpler existence filled with quiet moments during the weekdays and brunches with friends on the weekends. My skin glowed from good food and sunshine. Never a dull moment. No yearning for a better life. Not depending on another being. I drank tea out of a white tea cup. I ate my vanilla yoghurt and strawberries out of a pink bowl.

Today, i place some yoghurt and strawberries in a pink bowl and stare at them for a minute. They look so pretty and they remind me of something. What? And then i remember. They remind me of my life in France, my dream-life, the life i used to live when all around me was chaos. It was so easy to segue into that life. I only had to close my eyes and a second later, i was buying fresh bread from the baker and riding my bicycle home. On the way home, i will stop by the cafe. "Yes, i will have that pear tatin with my coffee. Merci."

Now i think, it is not impossible to have that life, is it? I don't have to go to France, although a little part of my spirit yearns for the day i can. I am searching for a house, a home. And as i search, i see myself sitting at my desk, with the sun pouring in. The smell of Jasmine is everywhere. I write and write and write until my fingers are tired. I see myself slicing fresh bread for breakfast and putting a generous amount of butter and homemade apricot jam on top. My steaming cup of coffee in a black mug sits next to me. On a Wednesday afternoon, after teaching four classes, i bake a pear tatin and eat it whilst it's barely out of the over. Ow. I've burnt my tongue but it's a small price to pay for such a treat. I lick my fingers after. As i search for my house, i see quietness and peace and evenings spent watching a romantic DVD. I see flowers and toile and beautiful paintings. I see a teapot and mismatched cups and saucers. I hear French mandolin playing on the stereo.

Yes. Yes, it is possible.

You take me for a ride

Who's gonna tell you when it's too late
Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great
You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up when you fall
Who's gonna hang it up when you call
Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears when you scream
You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down when you shake
Who's gonna come around when you break
You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Oh you know you can't go on thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

-The Cars,Drive

Sometimes, you hear a song on the radio, the same song you heard all those years ago when all your peers were listening to the latest hits and you were more inclined towards the easy listening favourites of the previous decade. It's such a real question- who's going to drive you home tonight? Because there are days when we all need to be driven home, where we can be a passenger and look out of the window and remember.

A fun afternoon activity

Yesterday, after hours spent cleaning my old flat, we drove to the coffee festival at The Rocks. We found parking for $2.20/hr ten minutes away from the venue, which was great. Although rain was predicted, there was only blue in the sky and the sunshine kept us warm at the harbour. Jon started out with an Italian hot chocolate before i dragged him around trying to find my beloved chai which was at the festival last year. The chai was the reason why i was at the festival even though cleaning had just about exhausted me. So we walked around till i found the spot where the chai stand was last year. And yes! My chai was there! We joined the line as i waited anxiously for a sip of that wonderful tea. Whilst waiting, i photographed Jon drinking his hot chocolate. Then it was my turn and we got two cups because i felt that Jon HAD to try this chai out. And oh my goodness. It was just how i had remembered it to be- the right amount of milk and the right amount of spices. We sat down on the steps, listened to the jazz band and drank our chai happily. Jon was also very pleased with it (he knew better than to say otherwise!). Whilst drinking, Jon decided to take photographs of me. Some of the photos picture me with an almost disturbed expression on my face and i wondered why as i was only feeling good things whilst consuming my chai. Jon later informed me that the sun was in my eyes and i was squinting, which made my nose go all funny. I decided then that i should be the photographer in this relationship. After chai, we walked hand in hand back to the car, but not before i stopped by Cafe Hernandez (another coffee stand) to get some cappucino. I didn't think i'd be able to live it down if i went to a coffee festival and didn't get any coffee. So, i had a cap and it was soooooo good. Maybe the best coffee i've had ever. I was won over by Columbian coffee beans. All cups of coffee were a dollar each and the chai was two dollars. Bargain. It was a lovely day.

How blessed are those who dwell in Your house

We're smack in the middle of winter, as one can tell from the 10 degree weather here today. It's so cold but it's also refreshing to feel the fresh wind against my cheek whenever i leave the house. Blustery days can be fun too.

I am living at a friend's place while she and her husband are away on vacation for five weeks. I have my own room and bathroom and have everything set up nicely. Clothes remain in suitcases but i'm not too bothered about that. It's a small price to pay for some much needed restoration-of-the-soul. I settled in almost immediately and am enjoying having the use of the pool and gym. Went for a swim the other day and while it wasn't freezing, it was still cold. I'm not sure how heated the water was. But i still managed an hour of laps (good to know that the stamina is still there) easily and would have jumped into the spa after if not for some kids who refused to leave the tub. Can't blame them because it must have been nice and toasty there. It felt so GOOD to swim and use those muscles. I miss exercise but am determined to start a routine again, as well as eating good, healthy food, which i have already started doing. I want to be kind to my body. I was going to use the pool again today but am not sure if my body will take a liking to cold, cold water. I already feel a bit sniffly so i'm going to wait till the rain stops at least.

Yesterday, i took a walk to explore my new neighbourhood. The weather was beautiful after a rain storm; the sky was blue and a fresh breeze was blowing. I walked along Bourke St until i reacher Taylor Square at Darlinghurst and then turned back. Spied three little cafes i would love to have a cuppa at. Cafe Zoe on Chelsea St looks a bit upmarket but seems so warm. Bourke St Bakery is tiny but the smell of fresh bread is intoxicating. I can't recall the name of the third cafe but it looked beautiful and antiquey. It was a fabulous walk and i enjoyed looking at houses and people as i walked merrily along. Can't wait to do it again soon.

I finished reading Elizabeth Berg's 'Year of Pleasures' in two days. I started it last year but couldn't finish it. This time however, i was in the perfect state of mind to read it. It was beautiful, as are all of Berg's books. There's a reason why she's my favourite author. I wouldn't say that this was her best book but it was the right book to read over the weekend and i love the idea of having a year of pleasures. I am sure, despite the bleakness of some days, that i can do at least one thing that brings me great pleasure. Maybe it's walking past a favourite tree or having a hot cocoa at the local cafe or taking an afternoon nap. Whatever it is, however big or small, it's so worth doing these pleasurable things just to remember that we're ALIVE and that so many things have been created for our pleasure and enjoyment.

Today i sat on a step and listened to "Saviour's love" by Hillsong London whilst waiting for Rosemary. I also made a good cup of tea. I am having fish and roast potatoes for dinner and i will savour every moment of cooking and then, every bite.

I can't wait for spring and summer but i'm not going to let this winter go to waste.

Save me from this road i'm on

In front of me sits a draft of a chapter of my thesis which needs to be completed soon. It should have been completed two weeks ago but most of the time on the computer was spent looking for houses and after seeing too many too expensive apartments, the last thing i felt like doing was writing about home. The chapter stayed unwritten.

I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning because i know what lies ahead of me- more house hunting and more discouragement. More loneliness, more "I need someone to take care of me for a while- to cook my meals and listen to me" and finding no one. I go to bed with a deep heaviness pressing on my chest and wake up with that same heaviness still there. I hope that all of this i'm feeling can be attributed to not being able to find a house, rather than some deep issues that i didn't deal with in the past which have now decided to resurface.

I think back to happier times spent in a favourite cafe, sipping tea and being at peace. Now, i feel like i'm not allowed to love what i love. Suddenly, a book is not just a book but every title i pick up and am interested in has turned into a supposed insight into my psyche. But that doesn't keep me from dreaming about my library filled with such books...books that i've read over the years which i can look at, smile and remember the moment i read them.

None of this keeps me from dreaming. I dream of happier times to come, where i can walk down the street and stop for a coffee and croissant; where i can spend a day at Borders reading gossip magazines, Glamour and Real Simple without a care in the world; where i can take a ferry ride and sit by the ocean to think. I dream of completing my thesis and teaching what i love and changing lives. I dream of a beautiful wedding- white, strapless dress, many flowers and surrounded by family and friends. I dream of travels around the world- France, Ireland, Fiji, Israel. I dream, years from now, of sitting on the bench of a grand piano in the living room of my sun-filled house and playing a tune; of family dinners in the backyard; of children running around.

How long can dreams sustain me in the trials of today? How long will it be before loneliness overwhelmes me and causes me to retreat into my own little world? How long before love turns into indifference? How long will it be before i receive my miracle?

And then i don't feel so bad

Still so many things to be thankful for despite the chaos (in my room, in my heart). We have been experiencing absolutely beautiful days the past week (although today, the blue in the skies have decided to go on holiday, leaving behind their gray friend). I have gone to the beach, laid on the rocks with my face to the sun, picked Jon up from work for lunch at the park, walked to the bookstore to salivate over cookbooks (like "Apples for Jam" by Tessa Kiros- this is on my birthday wishlist!) and browsed through "Man of my Dreams" by Curtis Sittenfeld which looks like a great read and which i now want (I'm so over chick lit but still remain a sucker for stories about family, love and finding the one you've dreamed of), watched 'Superman Returns' with friends, one of whom is actually in the movie with speaking lines, eaten fabulous chocolate cake at the post-movie party, started and finished "Anne of Windy Poplars", most of which was read at night in bed (or on the toilet), been invited by Angie to stay at her place if i don't find a house to move into this week, talked to my brother on the phone, eaten simple but good meals, been healed of my backache, driven with the windows down and retro tunes playing on the stereo, dreamt about my new house which is just around the corner and thinking about how it's going to be a creative yet peaceful place for my spirit (I just need to find this house).

I begin the next book in the "Anne" series- "Anne's house of Dreams". I take that as a good sign.

There is always some good in the world and i just needed to list them down so the bad things don't overwhelm me.

Lisa, Charlie and Gen- The girls in red!

Us at Maroubra

Upon realisation that Jon and Hayden were dressed exactly alike- beard, scarf, jacket, jeans...

...down to their shoes!