It's just your time to learn

This evening, i sat in the kitchen watching reruns of Ally, with a cup of coffee and leftover birthday cake for company. That made me happy.
Life has been good to me in recent days. I've resumed my morning walks, i have my precious Clay CD with me to listen to every night, i've been going out and having fun, i've been reading. I've been thinking.

But despite all of this, i cannot help the loneliness that is beginning to take residence in my heart. As comfortable as i am being boyfriend-less, i must say that it would be nice to have someone to hold. Especially now.
In this current state, i sent Justin a text message. We've been communicating that way for a little less than an hour now and while part of me feels better, another part longs for intimacy more than ever.
You have something and then you don't. Life is strange like that.

As i left the house to buy dinner earlier, the serenity of eveningtime assuaged me. The calm after the storm. Literally. I walked and thought about how i was done making 5-year plans for myself. Because life is unpredictable and things change in an instant. Five years ago, i thought i'd have a stable career and be in a stable relationship by the time i was 23. Neither has worked out.
Yet i'm not unhappy. I've decided to go where the wind blows. It's just so much easier that way- to be open to change.
While i don't have a plan per se, i have cerain things i want to do, like go to graduate school, travel around Europe and get an apartment of my own. I don't know where i'll be this time next year- maybe Singapore, maybe Sydney, maybe Paris.

I guess what i'm trying to say is this- i don't know anything at all.
And i'm ok with that. Well, almost.

Let her down easy
Her heart is on a dime
Let her down easy
You'll grow up in time

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

We went to Sound Bar for drinks last night- a promotional Heineken event. The plan, as i told Marilyn, was to pick a guy up. I wore my heels. But it was hot and humid. And all the cute guys had girls by their side.

So much for the plan.
We'll see what next week's outing holds.

Time of my life

I think this was probably my best birthday party yet- a small gathering of family and friends but filled with love and laughter. I had a fabulous time!



Yummy chocolate fudge cake

After the candles were blown

Noel and Me

Kristen, Me and Jess

Me and Rebecca

The girls

Me, Mic and Marilyn

Me and Jess

Me and Rel

Me and Justyna

Me, Rel and Jevon

Happy

I'm 23 today!!! And Jess is here from Sydney!!!
:)

I'm 22 for a moment

This is my last day as a 22 year old. I'm not usually sentimental about birthdays but being 22 has taught me so many things and i'm grateful for everything that has come my way. I thank God for all the moments of happiness, sadness, fear and anxiety. I thank God for family and friends. I thank God for faith, trust, hope, love, wonder, music, dancing and writing.
Thank you, God, for 22.

After all is said, after all is done

On a day like today, you need to stop for a moment, look up into the sky, feel the sun on your skin, let the breeze blow the hair off of your neck, and thank God for life.

Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hand, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright

I am reminded that you cannot know good without having experienced bad.

I crave gelato.

[Edited at 9:30pm]
I just got home from watching Bride and prejudice and ohmigosh, it was hilarious! I LOVE Bollywood and this movie played on all the stereotypes inherent in Bollywood movies, which caused much laughter. The actresses were soooo pretty and Martin Henderson (who played Will Darcy) was swoon-worthy. His eyes! His smile! I <3 him.

The queen of spades

I went to the library in town this morning just to get Elizabeth Berg's The art of mending. I was there at 11am when it opened and rushed to the [BER] shelf.
I was pleased to see the book there. Berg is my favorite author.
I came home with a few other books too- Ethan Hawke's Ash Wednesday, Shirley Hazzard's The transit of Venus, Laura Jacobs' Women about town, Janis Hallowell's The annunciation of Francesca Dunn and Lisa Jewell's A friend of the family. All this in addition to Carson McCullers' The heart is a lonely hunter which i borrowed on Saturday and cannot wait to begin reading. (I don't see how you can go to the library and just borrow ONE book. I can never restrain myself!)

It was a beautiful day in town. Very sunny. I had a lovely time walking from the library to the bus stop and then waiting for the bus whilst watching the people about me and taking in the Christmas decorations.
Good days are aplenty now that the anti-depressants have started working. It's odd (but in a good way) not to feel sad and anxious all the time.

In other news, i've decided to start taking better care of myself. This was inspired by Rel. The thing about Rel is that although obviously beautiful, she's also always well groomed. So yes. She's my role-model now. :) I have kick started my exercise routine, which is a good beginning. In December, i shall be fit with (maybe) straight hair.

[Oh! Wham's "Last Christmas" is on the radio now! This song is my guilty pleasure.]

Always something there to remind me

I had a rather lovely Tuesday. Met Rel for a walk early in the morning, came home to a breakfast of peanut butter on toast and soy milk, watched Oprah and then met Rel again in town for window shopping, lunch and coffee. Naturally, coffee was had at Starbucks. Our favourite Starbucks. Our favourite window seats. My favourite drink- Toffee Nut Latte. Grande. Oh, bliss.
We were supposed to catch up on our reading during coffee but ended up (not surprisingly) talking instead. In the midst of the conversation, Rel suddenly brought up Janice, and i had a sudden urge to text message her there and then. So i did. And she replied saying she'd like to meet up with me to go for mass, have dinner and make peace.
It was a rather emotional moment for me as Janice was one of my best friends in uni, together with Rel and the three of us had wonderful moments together.

Changing. Loving. Leaving. Forgiving.

Situations

A secret chord

I went to the beach this evening, alone, for the first time since i came back from Sydney. It had just rained and there was a certain stillness in the air. The sea was calm, the wind was cool, the trees stood refreshed, some of them with orange leaves. A tropical fall evening.

I walked, thinking about the number of panic attacks i had had at the beach in the past. I walked, content with the knowledge that i am stronger now than ever before.
Panic still comes and goes as he pleases. I don't fight him. I let him ride over me because i know that he will get tired and move on.
Everyday i tell myself that i am not going to die; that my headache is not a sign of brain tumor; that my cold won't turn into pneumonia. Of course, i could have a brain tumor and my cold could turn into pneumonia. But if i live thinking about these things, i can never fully live.

And i want to live. I want to travel to Provence and Paris and San Francisco and Hawaii and New Zealand. I want to write. I want to get my PhD. I want to marry the man i love. I want to watch DVDs and eat ice-cream with him after the kids have gone to bed. I want to have children. I want to push my children on the swings. I want to live in a house with a porch. I want to have breakfast on that porch. I want. I want. I want.
I want to live.

Kids

I lay on the couch, praying for the cramps to disappear.
And then Rachael, who has just learnt to walk, appears beside me, lays her head on my tummy and smiles.

Children are truly a blessing from God.

Talking over coffee

So, last week was Bad. But it's over and i don't want to spend time thinking about it for a second longer.

Today, i met Rel to watch Before Sunset. It was such a great movie...till the abrupt ending, which left us feeling very unsatisfied.
We adjourned to our favourite Starbucks for coffee after the movie and found out that their Christmas coffee was out- Toffee Nut Latte! They actually had it two years back but i don't care because it's sooooo good. I had mine with whipped cream today. :)
Rel and i talked for more than an hour before she had to leave for yoga.
It wasn't until today that it hit me how much i had missed watching movies with friends who don't leave the cinema till after the credits have rolled and who are willing to listen to you talk over coffee. Friends who understand and are there for you.

I spent the bus journey home looking out the window and thinking.

You see past all the lies

It rained and rained and then it stopped raining.
I look out of my window and am struck by how clear everything seems. The sky is a deep blue, the lights twinkle.
I am inside. You are outside.

I yearn for someone to hold hands with. It's scary to even contemplate the fact that i may never find that someone. It's too scary and it cannot be true.
i want love. i need love. i want to love. i want to be loved.
Soulmates exist. And i want to find mine.

Only change will bring you out of the darkness

I'm having cramps.
I'm coughing.
The change in anti-depressants is taking its toll on me. I feel like i'm having withdrawal symptoms from the Seroxat. And the Zoloft takes at least TWO weeks to work. God, help me.

And on top of all this, Bush won.

It's a sad, sad day.

All that you can't leave behind

How do i explain this?
I have these moments where i feel an intense longing for Sydney. One time, i was in church and (suddenly) saw myself on the train going towards Town Hall- above me the Harbour Bridge and to my left, the Opera House. Another time, i was crossing the road when i felt a (sudden) rush of memories of Sydney take over my entire body- the little things like drinking coffee and wearing a jacket and also the big things like my Aussie family and Justin. Just now, i was reading when an image of Bondi Beach came (suddenly) to mind and i could almost smell the beach and feel the cold water against my bare skin.

These moments are overwhelming. They make me feel joyful and secure and sad and fragile all at once. A plethora of emotions run through my veins and it's all i can do not to fall over.

You make everything alright

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.
- John Keats, Ode on Melancholy (lines 11-20)





It's raining and i'm in my room listening to the radio with The Diary of an American Au Pair sitting on my bed, wishing I had a mug of steaming white chocolate mocha next to me. I was done with A Tree Grows in Brooklyn this morning. Now, that was a great book.
[The rain seems reassuring, oddly enough.]
My brother has some major exams taking place in the next few weeks so the house is filled with panic vibes, since my parents are just as worried about his exams as he is. I look back on those years with some amount of fondness, if ever fondness can be quantified. I went through the same exams seven years ago feeling calm and unafraid about the outcome. I cannot explain my lack of fear. It just was.

Tomorrow will be my second visit to the psychiatrist.

[Happy 1st of November! Now, that is indeed something to celebrate. Also, i turn 23 in 20 days. Not that i'm counting or anything like that. Something else i'm looking forward to- Starbucks' Christmas coffee. Oh, the excitement surrounding the revelation is almost too much for me to bear.]