No one knows but you how i feel inside

 

In the early hours of the morning is when each of my emotions is magnified ten times. My bed beckons but yet, i resist. Instead, i find myself looking at photographs (wedding photographs) and listening to "Read me to sleep" from the soundtrack of The English Patient, performed by the Academy of St Martin in the Fields.

(Some nights, one just needs to be held.)

And all the roads that lead to you are winding

This morning, I woke up to the sound of furniture being dragged across the floor in the apartment above me. Turns out we have some new neighbours who apparently have no concern for the poor, struggling student living below them. After some muesli, toast and a shower, i decided to take my mountain-high stack of readings and go to Corellis for some soy chai.
I found a seat inside, by the window, placed my order and waited for my chai, which arrived quickly. I begun my routine of lifting the lid off the teapot and marvelling at the froth sitting atop my tea. Using the strainer, i carefully poured the tea into my cup. I sipped some tea. More milky than usual but still good. I put in a teaspoonful of honey. Perfect.
There i sat, with my chai and a journal article. The sun was streaming through the window and the fan behind me made my hair fly gently about me. I felt more like me than i did an hour before.

And then, out of the corner of my eye, i spotted Nick who had just started his shift at Corellis; Nick who i hadn't seen in weeks. Then followed an attempt to dink my chai, read and catch his eye. He changed the CD in the cafe and i heard familiar tunes- Bic Runga's "Sway", Oasis' "Wonderwall" and something by Beth Orton i didn't recognise. And then he said "Hey" and i looked into his eyes. It was a moment, friends. A moment with my waiter. We take what we can get.

Amidst the casual dropping of plates and trays (as is common in Corellis and is one of the reasons why i love this place so much), the whistling and the singing (or rather, badgering) along to "Wonderwall" by the bald chef, the number of people with their coffee and lunch orders, the desire to have an apple, plum and ginger muffin (but then the holding back) and Nick, i did my reading and finished it an hour and a half later.

I walked home, green flowy skirt swishing about me and the wind lifting my hair off of my back. Just another autumn day in Sydney.

You're smiling down on my life

Autumn sunshine. Like an unexpected but long-awaited for kiss. Your heart leaps and you cannot stop smiling. The warmth floods your soul but in steady progression. You feel it first on the outside and then seconds later, your insides melt. You get caught up in the sheer delight of the moment and the coldness you felt two minutes ago is forgotten. All you can think about is the here and now and the sense of release you feel as pent-up emotions are finally given a chance to be let out. You throw caution to the (cold) wind and a layer is peeled away. Why not. Life is about taking chances. Your hair glistens as you walk. And then, as suddenly as the sun appeared, it disappears behind a cloud. You break apart. The moment is over but the memory remains.

The memory of choosing not to fight

Waiting. And believing. Everything will turn out for the best. Nights spent drinking warm, sweet drinks. Days spent walking and reseaching. Remembering the smell of the ocean and the sheer, incomparable beauty of creation. The sudden descent of cold. The wish to forget for a moment and curl up in bed, warm, safe and protected. The realization that the journey has only just begun.

Secret keeper

You call me beautiful. But you don't even know me. You don't know what makes me laugh crazily. You don't know what makes my heart ache. You don't know what makes me so mad, i want to scream into a pillow. You don't know what my heart desires more than anything else in the world. You don't know my Yesterdays. You don't want to. You only see the present. Me. Now. A pretty face. All i am to you is another pretty face. I am a leaf in springtime- so green, so bright, so new. My barren past remains hidden. My brokenness i mask with perfume and lipstick. I am your perfect girl.

Something to believe in

I am hit by an overwhelming desire to write; to create. Words, pictures, colours, lines, dots, stories, meaning. I feel as if something has lifted- inertia; the fear of creating. The desire came upon me suddenly as i walked from the research room to the library. A path i had walked hundreds of time before. I passed a girl with a takeaway coffee cup in her hand. She seemed to be wiping away tears discreetly. (There is a fire being ignited in my stomach.) I left the John Wooley buliding and emerged into a cloudy late afternoon. Droplets of rain began to fall. I make my way to the library and take the lift up to the seventh floor. It is dark and deserted. I grope in the dark looking for 779.93011. I turn the lights on. Suddenly, i realise that i'm in the photography section. Shelves and shelves of books on how to take photographs, how to manipulate them and how to read them. I feel like a part of me has come home. I am alone in the aisle (why is aisle spelt this way?). I sit and open books. Photograph after photograph of faces and landscapes. I can do this, i think to myself. Why am i not doing this, i ask myself. I leave with six books. I want to write my research. I want to to write. I want to take photographs. I want to draw. I want to paint. I want to let it out.

I would never do you wrong

I love fireworks. They make my heart all excited. The colours, the shapes- it's all too pretty.

Tricia Yearwood and Garth Brooks were on Oprah today for the Valentine's Day episode. They're so sweet and Garth is such a gentleman that i couldn't stop smiling. It was good to hear them sing together at the end of the show. Reminded me that i haven't listened to either one of them in a while. I miss country music.

I spent the entire bus ride into the city obvlious to the going-ons about me as i indulged in daydreams. It was nice. On the way back, i had to listen to To make you feel my love by Garth. How much do i adore this song? I can remember the first time i heard it in Vic's car all those years back. Blue and gold fairy lights hung from the the trees that lined the streets in our university. I sat in the backseat, giving in to the moment.
I've listened to the song over and over again since that day. It's the perfect rainy night song and it's one of those songs i'd love to dance to.
For now, I curl myself up in bed, turn down the lights, put on the CD and get prepared to be swept away in yet another dream.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

This is mine to remember

Angie, Jen, Gen

I have missed my girls. It was so good to spend some time with them on Sunday. The BBQ was fun and easy, just the way they're meant to be. Nathan took care of the meat, as always, while the rest of the guys attempted to look busy when all they were doing, really, was watching Nate cook. The girls sat around, ate and had a good chat. Angie made her famous salsa and introduced us non-Americans to peanut butter cups. So bad but so good. Pure comfort food.

I miss spending Sundays with Ange, Jen, Rach and Tara. Things were so different a year back when we were all searching for friends and found each other. A year back, we would dinner together on Sundays in Angie's place as her husband, Thomas made us pizza. We'd have biscuits and tea together and plan what we'd have at our next meet- up.

And then life happened. Tara went back to Canada and Rach to London. Things changed. New people came into my life.
But what i've realised this past weekend, after spending time with different groups of friends (it's been a weekend of celebrations- Paul/Lina/Viv's housewarming on Friday night, the BBQ on Sunday afternon, Jon's birthday dinner in the evening and then pancakes with some friends to celebrate Viv's birthday at night) is that i need to make time for these people who have come into my life. I miss being the Gen who loved to hang out with friends. I've been comfortable for too long and i feel something in my spirit yearning for change.

During the drive home last night, Viv, Lina, Bec and I sang. It made me smile because at the end of the day, it really is very simple. Spend time with people you love and do the things you enjoy doing. Understand that God is first and no one can ever take his place. Cultivate the ability to be still. Everything else will fall in place.

Singing this song for you

My walk started off with silence. I felt a need to listen to the birds singing their melody and to feel the cold, crisp Autumn air on my skin. Satisfied, i turned on my Mp3 player and listened to random songs on a playlist. Each song that played brought back a memory and i spent the rest of the walk enjoying those memories:

Chantal Kreviazuk, Feels like home- Such a special song for so many reasons. Beautiful words. Featured in one of my favourite movies, "How to lose a guy in 10 days". It's one of those songs that i enjoy listening to at any time of the day. Last night, i went to sleep with it playing. Reminds me that where my heart is, my home will be also.

Marty Haugen, Shepherd me, O God- One of my favourite hymns. I remember playing the organ for it in church and being swept away by the haunting nature of the melody. I think back to the old days of being satisfied with mediocre experiences.

The Carpenters, A song for you- I remember listening to the records my dad played on the turntable. I remember him telling me about The Carpenters and me being alarmed that Karen died from anorexia. I remember eating disorders.
I come from a home that was constantly filled with music and i'm so thankful that music has always been part of my life.

Desiree, Kissing you- Romeo and Juliet. I remember being 16. Oh, 16. Today, the line "Watching stars without you, my soul cried" jumped out at me. I want to watch the stars with the one i love one day. Just sit and watch.

Michael Card, Morning song- My uncle used to give me lifts to uni whenever i had an 8am lecture. He always had worship music playing whenever i stepped into the car and i would feel a tangible sense of peace and God's mercy flooding my soul. We would be on the East Coast Parkway and the rising sun to our left always took my breath away. Michael Card writes the most simple, beautiful songs of praise and thanksgiving to God.

Pete Yorn, On your side- This reminds me of all those nights i spent in my room watching "Felicity". I loved that show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And so my walk ended. I walked home in silence.

The dizzy, dancing way i feel

11:18 at night sees me obsessed with finding out the meaning of names for the (far into the) future baby(ies). Flatmate and i discovered that we want the same name for a boy so i have told her that she must marry a man with that name so i can use said name for my littley. Funnily enough, there is a possibility that that could happen. If everything goes as planned. Sadly, i found out that the name i want to give my little girl means "weary". The search continues for this slightly clucky girl. Living with a baby does that to you.

11:52 at night sees me looking for a car to ferry me around this city so i can stop walking everywhere. Have prioritised my search since probability of getting a car before a baby is much higher at this stage. But who knows the mind of God? May meet potential husband AND get a car this week. There is hope.

Welcome to the life of a postgraduate student with too much time on her hands and who is slightly anxious about her meeting with her supervisor tomorrow.

The night drew long, you kept me strong

I didn't plan on writing this entry, just like i didn't plan on having that slice of chocolate cake after dinner. In fact, i should really be in bed resting my tired feet and heart. But my body feels uncomfortably full from comfort eating as i tried desperately to fill that little space somewhere between my neck and lower abdomen with food.

So i stay awake, writing and looking at photos i took yesterday at a wedding.

I've been to many weddings. I've been to many weddings without a date. I've been to many weddings without a date and without remorse that i didn't have a date. But yesterday afternoon, as my friends promised themselves to each other, as i stood on the grass with my camera, as i looked around and noticed hands on waists, heads on shoulders, fingers intertwined and lips meeting in a kiss, i was overcome with a sudden burst of yearning for a man to stand next to me and hold my hand and give me a little kiss. I arrived at the wedding completely unprepared for the rush of emotions although, really, i should have anticipated them. As i took one photograph after another, every single bone in my body cried out for love. I wanted to sit and breathe.

I sipped champagne instead.

I am in a season of waiting. I am learning to wait patiently. No more whinging about wanting things right now. No more settling for good enough. I am expecting the best.
Because i can.