You feel like you're going where you've been before

It's been one of those weeks- the sort that leaves you grasping for explanations to questions you thought had already been answered. It's the sort of week where you stare into the mirror and every imperfection is magnified so all you see is scars and an abundance of flesh; a week where alone time makes you anxious and you count the minutes until you meet with another self; where your chest is tight every morning during your walk and you, with head bowed down and eyes downcast, make your way back home, your spirit despondent.

But still, there are good things.
Orange leaves fall from trees and form a cushion for my tired feet. Sunday morning coastal walks with Jon where i am momentarily enraptured by crashing waves and the smell of saltwater. And then we sit on the rocks and talk and as i stare into his beautifully crafted face, i am reminded of how much i love and like this person sitting beside me. There are times where i want to study his face so i can remember it exactly when he's away from me- the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles for example. Love comes with such an intensity that i think i cannot possibly love, truly love, more than once.
Still, other good things. I am re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series and am once again, completely spellbound by Anne. Two bosom (as Anne would say) friends have gotten engaged. Two others are expecting a baby. And also, peanut butter and honey on toast- how is it that i have never tried this wonderful concoction before? I am convinced that cold weather is bearable (but only just) if i can have my regular soy creamy hot cocoa with marshallows from Gloria Jean's on a regular basis. Worshipping, interceeding and blessing others have also occured to make me understand that it's not about me at all. So very good.

Uncertainty pervades every atom of my existence. But i'm sure this too, shall pass. In time i will understand reasons and seasons. Meanwhile, i try not to worry like a fool.

What's left of your heart?

I wish i knew how to rest. I used to. I used to be able to sit down for hours on end, reading and imaginging myself in another world. The phone would ring and i wouldn't even know it. The book went with me for lunch and dinner. My reading time was my resting time where i could let go and simply be. I used to lay on the bed, swept away in daydreams where there was always someone who loved me- daydreams that involved hugs, cuddles and kisses. I would lie there with my eyes closed and feel a little piece of my heart crack as i remembered that there was no one to hold on to. I gave in to my emotions and let everything be. I used to sit in front of the telly and be enveloped in everyone else's life, hour after hour. There was no thinking invloved. I would fall asleep while Frasier was on, wake up an hour later and be mad at myself for yet another ending that went unknown.

Now, i have a life that is everything i have ever dreamed of but in the process of transitioning, i have forgotten what rest means. It takes me months to finish a novel because reading has become a luxury i cannot afford. I can barely make myself sit through anything on television that's more than 30 minutes long. No more cross-stitching. No more walks and runs that are done for the pure pleasure of feeling my legs move. No more anything that quiets my soul and lets my body and spirit heal.

I want to learn again.

Today, as i sit here writing this, Chris Tomlin's Indescribable comes on the radio and the wind that sweeps through my room is coolish and pleasant. For just one moment, i am resting in rightness. Not thinking about the past or worrying about the furture, which i seem to be doing a lot of recently. Just resting. I think about lunch with Jon, where i don't have to think or do anything but just sit and be held. One hour of pure bliss in the sunshine.

Then i see the mountainload of work on my table, think about the ten million things i have to do in the next month, start worrying about job applications and whether an hour is enough to prepare dinner tonight, about the drive tomorrow and oh, just about everything else. I realise my rest is over.

But maybe it starts with one moment. Two minutes of rightness. Thirty minutes of head on shoulder. And then maybe, one day i will find myself curled up on a couch, completley enamoured by a book, with no regard for time.
Seven hours of fiction. Seven hours of resting.

Blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl

It's an uncharacteristically warm 31 degrees for the middle of autumn but at least the laundry is drying happily in the sunshine. I'm trying to get back into student mode after the Easter break but it's proving to be very difficult. But i did finish one of my readings today so it can't be all that bad. Speaking of the Easter break, I spent most of it with Jon and it was beautiful. We watched Failure to Launch, where i got to drool, whilst holding my boyfriend's hand of course, over Matthew Mcconaughey. We went to the beach, talked, walked, had lunches and dinners, drove, practiced parking, went to church, shopped and tried on hats for when i go to the races one day.

I am thanking God for having found someone who spins me around on the grass and lets me cry when i need to.

(I love you.)

I want to always be by your lead

I've learnt that when you wait for the promises of God to be fulfilled in your life, you always end up with something beyond your wildest imagination. The dreams that you dreamt as a child turn into reality right before your very eyes when you least expect them to. The faded colours in the dream world are awashed with vibrancy in the real world and every morning is a reminder that you are alive to enjoy another day.

Every rainbow is a reminder that the covenant God has made holds true from now until the end of time.

(I am loving everything about being in love. The wait was worth it.)

The same hands that created all of this, they created You and I

I've always loved the fact that i'm easily pleased- seeing the sun set, listening to the rain fall, plucking yellow flowers, a cup of tea in the morning, having toast with ricotta, honey and cinnamon, hearing a favourite song come on the radio, reading in bed under the doona, putting my feet up after a long day. The simple things are more than enough for me.

Loving and being loved- this confounds me and calms me. How does one learn to love? How does one accept love? Can we ever love another as Christ loves us? And then the calm after too much thinking and plotting. The calm that comes with resting in divine, supernatural, unfathomable Love; the calm that comes when the Divine Giver of this Love loves you enough to give you someone, another being, another life to love.

I've learnt that love needn't be hard and complicated. It just happens.
And the simplicity of it is what keeps me believing and knowing that i have been given more than enough.

Nothing to fear

I walked out of the house today and remembered yet another reason for living life in an exuberant manner. Today, the sky is so blue and the wind is cold. Autumn at its best. There is a certain fresh feeling in the air you just want to drink in and remember when things get a little out of order.

Right now, i'm sitting at the computer after a long shower with a cup of coffee to my right and Shawn McDonald's "Beautiful" playing softly. The sound of the rustling leaves outside soothe me.

Once in a while, it hits you that everything is as it should be. This is my own once in a while. I am happy.

I'd make a safe bet,
You're gonna get whatever you need
Eels, Fresh Feeling

Your love remains a mystery that's woven all the way through me

I haven't felt like writing much. Instead, i've been living life and enjoying the moment for what it is. My personal journal, which sits next to my bed, is my constant companion now. I feel the need, at this point, today to write for no one else but me. All the words i write now, the feelings that my heart holds and everything else in between are safely captured in my journal, where i find myself writing to God- Dear God...

But there are some things i want to say here. Like how the weather has been getting colder- i wrap myself up in a comfortable sweater when i leave the house; i put a blanket over me and have a cup of tea to read in the lounge. My usually cold hands are even colder now and the search for a beautiful pair of black leather gloves (and boots and coats and scarves) continues. What else? With the changing of seasons, i am reminded that i am in Australia. The cold air, sunshine and blue skies comfort me if only because it means i am here, not there. I am happy. I also got my New South Wales driving license this morning. I took a step of faith and got a three year one because really, i am going to be here for a while. I had a fantastic converstaion with my daddy on Saturday which still brings a smile on my face. His intuition unnerves me sometimes. How do dads always know? During breakfast on Saturday morning, Lauren told me i was glowing. My Sunday went from blah (staying in to do uni readings are SO not what Sundays should be like) to quite, quite lovely. All i had to do was say "Yes".

And i guess that's it.

I wanna know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
Brooke Fraser, Mystery