Good enough

The weather's nice. Sunday weather.
And for today, that is more than enough.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELLIE!!

The wind and the rain and the mercy of the fallen

The monsoons have officially changed directions. Thank God for the cool air.

I have come to detest the word 'bumming', which seems to be in the vocabulary of every Singaporean below the age of 35.
Bumming. Verb. Used to describe a person who's not working or studying. Derived from the word 'Bum'. Noun.
I bumped into a friend this afternoon and she asked if i was bumming. Now, i don't know about you but i don't think trying to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life should be termed 'bumming'.
It means i'm seriously trying to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life.

It was raining on and off the entire day. I met Len for lunch at O'Brien's and felt somewhat happier after that. I took a train into town, went to the library and came out with ten books. I'm currently reading Betty Smith's A tree grows in Brooklyn. A bag at my side, an umbrealla in one hand and the books in another, i made my way to the bookstore to get my magazine.

My flat-ironed hair doesn't stay straight in this humid country. I am not happy about that.

I think i shall unpack tomorrow. Yeah, i know. I've been back for two weeks. I should have unpacked by now. But i've conveniently pushed the box and luggage under my bed and forgotten about it.

Tomorrow, i'm going to the airport to see Marilyn off. She'll be in New Zealand for two weeks. Ah. The southern hemisphere. Memories. I may also try to get some writing done tomorrow. Maybe get a short story out

The cold wind is really nice, i must say. Very conducive for coffee, books, walking, writing, watching DVDs, listening to Dar on the stereo and snuggling.

I know where beauty lives

[Royal Botanical Gardens, Sydney.]

Writing. And writing. And writing. Little time for play. I questioned. Could i handle this? Am i good enough?

But now, it's over. The application, together with my research proposal and supporting documents are in an envelope. They will travel to Sydney tomorrow. And in six weeks, i will know.

To celebrate the end of this arduous application process, i went and had myself a chai latte this evening. I can't believe i managed to send in an application in one week. I am proud of myself, yes i am.

Yesterday, we had blue skies for about fifteen minutes. I stood at the bus stop and Five for Fighting's 100 years was playing. It was a good time for me to step back and say "Enough. Look at the sky, the trees. Listen to the music. This is living."

I want the rain to stop.

I used to worry that i'd die without ever being kissed. That scared me. But i guess that worry worked itself out and for that, i say "Thank-you".

Close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting on that bench in the park, with your legs stretched out before you and a latte at your side. The tree is your shelter. The water is your view. The birds are your company. You are not alone.

Tomorrow, i shall wear my pink and white polka-dot skirt and remember the good things that have come my way.

For light does the darkness most fear

It's cool tonight. A nice change.

For a while just now, i thought about the possibility of going insane. And then i realised that it was the panic thinking,
not me.

There are days when i feel wise and worthy to dispense advice- to myself and others.
And then there are days when i need to sit back and enjoy the wisdom, without talking.

I've spent the last couple of days running around and being so tired that falling asleep during my precious TV watching time has become the norm. Last night, i fell asleep during The OC. That is just sad.

In other news, i started writing my thesis proposal this afternoon. My chances of getting accepted into the university seem to become slimmer as the days go by. But i'm just going to do what my heart tells me to do because i firmly believe that God puts certain desires in our hearts and these are the very things that give us our inclinations. So if you feel really strongly about something, it may be that it's God's will for you and he's just giving you a push in the right direction. I came to this conclusion while waiting for the traffic lights to change from red to green. Realizations come upon us at the oddest of times.
Like this morning in the shower, i suddenly thought of the negotiation of identities by immigrants.
So that went into my proposal.

It's raining now. I have a postcard of Sydney sitting on my desk. Christmas decorations are being put up in the city (earlier and earlier every year, i swear. Oh well, as long as it makes people smile). The calender above my desk is for the month of August. I had peanut butter on toast and a banana for dinner. I hope i don't have bipolar disorder (we're (my psychiatrist and i) monitoring the situation).

Life.

[Do i know that worry is wasteful? Yes. Does that stop me from worrying? Unfortunately, no.]

You taught me a lesson i didn't want to learn

I sit in the doctor's office, my fingers tapping against the soft denim of my skirt. The waiting is always the hardest.

I can't seem to get past the first track of "No more shall we part" by Nick cave and the Bad Seeds and not only because it reminds me of Blue Eyes. Listening to it is a constant reminder that i'm in a place i can barely call home. I'm here but i'm not here. I'm holding myself together until i send my application off to Sydney Uni.

I long for, I long for
I long for my home
I long for a land where
No man was ever known

With no neurosis
No psychosis
No psychoanalysis
And no sadness

I'll pick up the pieces,
I'll carry on somehow
Tape the broken parts together
And limp this love around
-PJ Harvey, 'The darker days of me and him'

Just trying to get by

This has been a rather tiring Monday for me but at least there's exciting news to be shared with all! My thesis supervisor has been offered a fellowship at YALE!!! I am so happy for her and couldn't stop smiling when i met up with her for a chat this evening. If there's one person who deserves this, it's her. She's my teacher, mentor and friend and i've really been blessed to have her in my life.

So, i had brekkie with Jassmin this morning at Coffee Bean, moved to have lunch at Scotts, went to uni to get my academic transcripts ordered, met Jo (and Chris who suddenly appeared), met Dr.Safman (another professor i've been lucky enough to have been taught by. She's just great!) to discuss my proposal, met Dr.Rajah to talk about studying in Australia, met Mel for tea, met my supervisor for a chat and some reassurance regarding my abilities, had dinner with Darren at NYDC (Oh, baked rice. Yum.) and then finally came home.
I can barely think anymore. But at least it was a good day.

As i sat sadly by her side

That's a picture of my cousin Jess and I in a pub where Justin was performing. She gave me a call last night and it was just so good to hear her voice. Just so good.

And if i know i have love, i can make it

This is a weeping song
A song in which to weep
While we rock ourselves to sleep.
This is a weeping song
But i won't be weeping long
No. I won't be weeping long.
-Nick Cave, The Weeping song

Goodbye Sydney.

Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate

I think when you've been starved of affection and intimacy for so long, you try to make up for lost time- too fast, too soon.

[Can one really trust oneself?]

I find it almost impossible to trust others, that's for sure.
Because i've been lied to and spat on; i've been hit and have had my secret thoughts read by someone else; i've been shunned and bullied. I know firsthand what it feels like to be unwanted, to not be loved unconditionally.
And no one should have to go through this.

If i die tomorrow, i'd die knowing that i didn't fully live my life. Because when you don't learn to trust the ones that surround you,
you don't live.

And that's just sad.

Everyone tells you that life isn't easy. But no one ever tells you how damn hard it can be.

Beautiful

Just when i thought things couldn't possibly get any better,
They Did.

And it's not only because of my fabulous new hair.
Ahhhhhh.
I'm smiling too much to write eloquently about the reason for my current sense of contentment. I guess you'll just have to wait till i'm ready to put it all down in words.

An answer that refused to be found

I am kneeling on the sand at Bondi Beach and sipping a soy latte. The first sight of the beach, from the sidewalk, was almost too overwhelming. "You're at Bondi", i told myself. "You're at Bondi, alone, and everything is going to be just fine. Things will go your way."

I see a little boy burying his dad in the sand. His mother, in her pale pink bikini stands up and i see, across her abdomen, the proudly displayed scar of a C-section.
People here seem comfortable with their bodies and this in turn makes me feel good about my own- my skin is brown and healthy, my legs are firm from all the walking i've done, the muscles on my back are strong from the laps at the pool.
I take pleasure in the way the wind blows the hem of my tiny skirt up (just a little!).

Now, i am sitting on the sand, watching teenaged girls walk past and listening to them make plans. Two men run in front of me. Two young boys grin at me and then proceed to throw sand at each other.

What can one do but laugh?

The more you think about things, the more absurd they become. For a while, nothing makes sense- like:
'What am i doing here?' or
'How does one find oneself?' or
'How to move on?'

And then you find yourself back on the sand, staing at the crashing waves in front of you. People run, surf, play frisbee, walk in the sand with their shoes in their hands.

No need to think. This is where you are.

"Have a beautiful day", he-with-the-blue-eyes says before taking off.
You smile as you realise that you are, in fact, having a beautiful day.

You want to cry as it dawns on you that things have never felt so right.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

The smell of sunshine, salt water and laughter lingers on my skin.

Oh, life.

I had my very first Krispy Kreme doughnut today.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Let me just say that you've not had a doughnut till you've had a Krispy Kreme doughnut. I ate four in ten minutes.

In other news, i am hooked on Australian Idol. Courtney makes me swoon whenever he appears and last night was no different- he sang God only knows by the Beach Boys. I LOVE that song! And of course, Anthony was amazing with his rendition of The Prayer by Andrea Bochelli and Celine Dion. He's not a very tall boy but he sure is a cute Italian. Marty can go home tonight.

I am soooo full.

Give us faith so we'll be safe

I pray you’ll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know.
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way.
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.
-The Prayer






If i were to tell you every single thing that has happened to me since i came to Sydney, you'd never believe it. Apart from a select group of persons who have become privy to my thoughts and actions, no one else will ever know how much this trip has done for me. I am not the same person i was a month ago and i hope you're not expcting me to be that girl you once knew.

I've changed, i've changed, i've reconsidered everything.

Last night, i gave Mel a call in the Gold Coast. It felt so good to hear her voice and it felt good to tell her everything. Thanks, Mellie.

Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen

In the end, it's the little things you remember, the ones that threaten to slip from your stored-up stash of memories-

Your hand intertwined with his
The warmth of having someone close to you
The way he ran his fingers through your hair
The striking absence of fear.

The little things you remember are the only ones that matter.

Or are they?

[How can you stand in front of me, take my hands in yours, and then laugh when i tell you that i worry? I am not only 22. I am 22. I worry about issues you'd never be able to fathom. Age has nothing to do with it. Nothing.]

Trying to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time

I am sitting on the bed, propped up against the pillow. Through the white lace curtains, i see the sky and the leaves of trees swaying. The soft sunlight filters through, making the entire space seem comforting.
A haven.

With Ben Folds' The Luckiest playing, i try to capture the moment with my mind for soon, it will be but a memory. [I feel like a person being held in the arms of the one they love.]

I am surrounded by so much beauty- the yellow towels on the wooden rack; the drops of sunlight falling gently on Jess as she sleeps in the bed next to mine, the comforter wrapped warmly around her; the joy of a little girl upon seeing herself in a photograh just taken; hot chocolate and biscuits for morning tea.

I am in Cowra. We spent four hours driving to get here.

Things are quiet. And peaceful. You realise that there is only so much of life you can plan. Sometimes, things just happen.
But they happen for a reason.

You live. You learn. You cherish the moment.