Let go

It's such a touch-and-go existence that we lead. I'm still getting used to it.
Like take this for instance- one day you're holding hands and feeling the rush of adrenalin that flows through your body that split second before you kiss.
And the next, you're not because you've decided to be friends. And not the kind with benefits either.
You know it's the right decision because the uncertainty you've been experiencing the past couple of days has disappeared, leaving behind relief.

But that doesn't make it any easier, does it?

I know we said goodbye

We are seated in the ferry on the way back from Manly. The sun is setting. The waves are crashing. The wind is cold. You hold me.
I feel like i could stay in your arms forever. At that moment, everything seems perfect. Just perfect. I forget about all the things standing in our way.

I turn to my friend, seated on the other side of me and i smile at her.
She smiles back.
I mouth, "Isn't this lovely?"
She nods.

I want to do so many things. I want to savour the feeling of being held by you- the safeness. I want to enjoy Tina's presence on the other side of me. I want to drink in the sunset that is before us- the gray sky flooded with yellow light.
The beauty that surrounds me is so breathtaking that i find myself being overwhelmed by the mish-mash of emotions running through my body.
My body is cold but my heart is warm.

I will always remember that day we sat in the ferry on the way back from Manly. The way the sun set, the way the waves crashed, the coldness of the wind,
The way you held me.

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
Why, why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused
But I wanna see you again

Dido, Sand in my shoes

The rest is still unwritten

Having endured rain, cold winds, gray skies and three layers of clothing the past couple of days (i sound like i'm living in the north pole!), i am thankful, today, for the sun and its warmth.

Yesterday was my "Unhappy Gen" day. The weather was dreadful, i felt a tad homesick and everything just felt so wrong. But because i was determined not to participate in the downward spiral of depression, i told myself to get out of the house and do something good for someone else- the best remedy for a sad soul. I joined the Street Teams in church and we went to different houses around the neighbourhood to do some volunteer work- cleaning, tidying or just listening to someone who needs to talk. My team went to a lady's house to help her with her chores. Lisa and I were in charge of the kitchen and we spent an hour and a half wiping the cabinets clean and removing bugs and cobwebs from the shelves. We re-arranged the tuppawares, mugs and dishes.
And during that time, i didn't even think of my own problems. All i wanted to do was see a clean kitchen and Lisa and I were pretty proud of what we managed to accomplish.

The day just kept on getting better after that. My beautful Brazilian friend, Sabrina, invited Tina and me over to her house for coffee. Now, when a Brazilian invites you over for coffee, they're really invting you over for a meal because we were served two different types of cookies, coconut cake, toast, ham and cheese in addition to coffee. I was stuffed but it was sooooo good. I love my friends!

Another thing i love is listening to people from different parts of the world pronounce my name. Yesterday, the boy (read previous entry) shook my hand (we had contact! Ahh!) and i had the pleasure of hearing him say my name out loud.
But he kept on forgetting it so i don't think that's a good sign!

Lent 2005 has probably been my most enriching Lenten season yet. Getting out of my comfort zone, praying so much more, listening to people and re-evaluating myself.

You know how people always tell you that there's a light at the end of the tunnel?
It's true.

White picket fences in your eyes

Shall i let you in on a little secret?
I like a boy.
Well, you might say, that's nothing to shout about.
But it is. To me.

You see, it isn't always that i see someone and feel a pang. You know that pang. It's the feeling that hits you when you see someone and everything about that person just gets to you. In a good way.
This pang has only hit me once before so to feel it again was indeed something.
And it's not even about how attractive that person is. It's more than that. It's that inexplicable attraction that leaves you thinking, and dreaming.

So, i see this boy and feel a pang. And then i see him again. All of a sudden, he seems to be everywhere, At the carpark in church, at the cafe, at the Colour conference where he was helping out.
His first words to me were, "Cheque or savings?". He sold me a book. I tried to peer at his nametag but his name was printed in such a small font.

You know how girls just have to share stuff with their girlfriends? That's just what i did.

And it turns out that one friend knew where he was from.
Another friend knew his name.
"He's such a nice boy", they both say.
I tell myself it's about time i fell in like with a nice boy.

Last night, the boy was standing in front of me and i took the opportunity to stare into his eyes as he spoke with my friends. I can't decide if they're blue or green or gray. All three, possibly.
I didn't want him to stop talking because i liked the way his voice sounded.

Crushes are sweet.

Sunday morning

I picked some wildflowers on the way back from church this morning. Isn't there just something so serene about picking happy yellow flowers on a Sunday morning? It isn't just the flowers that make me happy but the act of flower-picking in its entirety- spotting the flower, bending down to gently remove the root from the soil, picking another flower, and then another one, twirling them around my thumb and forefinger, being enthralled by such simplicity...

Life really is all about the little things.

You are welcome in this place

Colour Your World Women's Conference 2005


I spent the first three days of the past week attending the Color Your World Women's Conference organised by Hillsong Australia. There were about 11,000 women altogether. Calling it an amazing experience would be an understatement.
I made so many friends from all over the world (Jen from Canada, Kinga and Sandra from Sweden, Caroline from Singapore, Angie from the US and Rachel from the UK), friends who held me when i cried, gave me words of encouragement and simply made those three days heaps of fun; I realised the extent of God's love for me- i'm His daughter, His princess. Wow.; I learnt that the baggage we carry (from past hurts, fears, quarrels) weighs us down too much and prevents us from fulfilling the destiny God has for us- we need to move on. I now understand the importance of us women supporting and encouraging each other.
I left the conference with a healthy self-esteem, oodles of self-love, lovely girlfriends and the sense that God has big plans in store for me. I need only to listen to Him and be obedient.

Use it for you

Snippets of life:
On my room:
My room is filled with everything i love- the colour pink, inspirational posters, photographs, my bible, clothes, my CDs and various books from the library. A pretty quilt keeps me warm at night. I open the window every morning to let the sunshine in. Two small shrubs sit on my window sill, trying their darndest not to get knocked over by the wind. Some days they succeed; some days they don't. I kinda understand how they feel sometimes.

On church:
I now go to two different churches- a Catholic one every Sunday morning and Hillsong on Saturday and Sunday evening. I still love the traditions that permeate Catholicism but Hillsong has changed my life completely. I can't even begin to articulate my experience at their services. You've got to be there to understand. I step into church and i feel happier because everyone there is just filled with so much life and love and faith that you can't help but share in their joy. I mean, this church is just too cool.

On friendship:
I guess it still surprises me that i have made friends in so short a time here. Real friends. Lisa is just a wonderful person and i love spending time with her. We oscillate between serious converstaions about life and boys. Yeah, we talk about boys alot. She loves someone. I'm trying not to lead people on. I know what kind of boy i want and i'm going to wait for him. But this paragraph isn't about boys, it's about friendship. So, i should tell you about Christine whom i met at Hillsong last Friday. Christine's here on holiday from Germany. Today, we were finishing each other's sentences and nodding our heads enthusiastically at what the other was saying. Christine who loves coffee and chocolate and appreciates a quiet morning on the beach reading. We walked to the Opera House this afternoon and sat by the water with our ice-cream. I have absolutely no idea how i'm going to say goodbye to her when she leaves in two weeks. We're spending the whole of next week (i have a conference this week and Chris is going for a 'Learn to surf' camp) together doing fun stuff like going to the beach, drinking coffee at various cafes and talking. She's invited me to go to Germany this December so i'm probably taking her up on the offer. Excitement. Now i just need to find a job.

On life in general:
Life is good. I have been blessed beyond expectation.

Aaron's birthday gathering- Front Row (L-R): Paul, Aaron, Me, Lisa, Des. Back Row: Emma, chris

My favourite cafe in Bondi!!

Gertrude & Alice Bookstore cafe

Lisa and me at Bondi

Uni in the evening

My uni

At the airport in Singapore. That's my plane!

You're the reason why the opera is in me

Autumn sunshine, freezing nights, pubbing with the girls, walking along Bondi beach with Lisa, hot chocolate at Gertrude & Alice, raisin toast and cappucino at Glebe on a Saturday morning, my beautiful university, meeting new friends, Hillsong, laughing too much, pasta with the girls from church on Sunday night, pleasantly drunk on wine, facing my fears, spontaneous road trip with my flatmate, getting lost during spontaneous road trip, cooking new dishes, my new room, waking up each morning with a smile, bus drivers who wait for you, conversations with random people, anticipating Easter, Sarah Mclachlan concert in March, getting my student ID, tim-tams,
...
I am so incredibly happy.