When nothing satisfies

After my exhilarating walk at the beach this morning (see post below), i came home to a breakfast of cereal- some Post (peaches and almonds) combined with a chocolate one i got from Carrefour not too long ago. Alas, this particular combination didn't work too well and the end product tasted odd. But i ate it all up whilst watching Oprah.
I try not to waste food as much as possible and i was too engrossed in Oprah to really taste my food. So that was fine.
At 11am, i was stretched out on my bed doing my relaxation exercise and promptly fell asleep for the next two hours. I guess my relaxed mind and the anti-anxiety pill (which is supposed to make me drowsy) i took just before the exercise was too powerful a combination.
Apart from the fact that my nap made me miss John Kerry's speech on CNN (I was not happy about missing Edwards' one yesterday, especially after watching Obama's the day before), it was good. Sleep is such a nice way to recharge yourself and the rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning my room, having lunch (noodles, beef and potatoes- yummy.) and waiting for Jus to come over. We looked at photos and talked till it was time for me to leave for mass at 6pm.
It was unfortunate that i was feeling very un-relaxed by the time i reached my church.
It was even more unfortunate that i came home to find all my precious photographs missing from my brother's computer. I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster and immediately popped another anti-anxiety pill.
Turns out my brother had HIDDEN the photos in another folder because he wanted me to think he had erased them.
Now, do i know that this is nothing to cry over? Absolutely. But i'm sorry to say that tears did start to fall. I just can't help myself these days.
My dad scolded my brother for making me unnecessarily upset and i felt all better after that. Hah.

In other news, i got a Jennifer Knapp album this evening! I adore her and so, am very pleased with my purchase. Right now, i'm listening to Hillsong's Overwhelmed album which, apart from providing me with lots of reassurance, is very conducive for worship. I will hopefully get the Steven Curtis Chapman one soon.
Would you like to buy it for me?

Yesterday, i met the beee-yoo-tee-ful Lil for lunch and coffee. I love being around her and i  swear she gets prettier everytime i see her! We both ended up buying a copy of The Time Traveler's Wife. I *really* hope she likes it as much as i did.

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

There i stand, with two trees leaning over to shelter and protect me.
There i stand, with the sun gently casting his rays on me, giving me love.
There i stand, with the sea in front of me, offering me peace.

Oh, to be loved.

A song for you

 

Can't you see what's happening?
He's making us fall in love.
Stubborn you, fearful me,
An indecisive us.

 

 

 

We fight and fall down and mend

Why is it that depression always creeps up on you, stealthily like a thief, whenever you think that you're doing ok, that you're finally, finally beginning to mend?
It felt like a chore to be alive today. To walk from my room to the kitchen. To have lunch. To answer calls. It takes an inexplicable amount of effort just to carry out these ordinary activities when you'd rather be lying in bed, safe from the world outside.
At about 2:30 in the afternoon, i finally gave up and went to bed. It was a relief, let me tell you- sleeping and forgetting and not thinking.
At 3:30, i remembered the promise i made Jus to see a doctor to maybe get started on some anti-depressants or something. Or anything. I made myself get out of bed, got changed and walked slowly to the doctor, telling myself that i absolutely was not going to start crying in front of him.
Well, i didn't. He talked to me for a while and decided that he wants to wait before starting me on anti-depressants. I got mood stabilisers instead and i need to take them for 20 days before going back to see him. In the meantime, i'm supposed to remember all the good things in life and get out of the house when i start to feel down.

Life goes on. And on. And on.

I don't really want to speak to anyone right now.

 

 

 

I will find you darling, and i will bring you home

The past few days have seen me being captivated by Anne Tyler's Ladder of Years. I've always loved Tyler's novels because of her ability to provide her readers with beautiful descriptions, not only of people or places, but also of the fundamentals of the human condition.

"It was not that her sadness had left her, but she seemed to operate on a smooth surface several inches above the sadness." (pp.138)

Ladder of Years tells the story of a forty-year old woman, dutiful wife and mother of three children, who impulsively takes off during a family vacation. Wearing only a swimsuit and her husband's beachrobe, she hitches a ride to a small town, rents a room, settles down and quickly establishes a sort of routine.

Halfway through the story, it hit me that i was doing something similar.

I'm "taking a break for the next few months", i tell people who always feel the need to ask me what my post-graduation plans are. It seems as if the concept of a "break" is almost unheard of over here. In September, i leave for Canberra, Sydney and Melbourne, where i will spend time contemplating, clearing my mind and drinking coffee. I will also hopefully meet Charlie and Sandy. I've told my parents that i'll be there for a month but truthfully, i have no idea when i'll be back. Maybe two weeks. Maybe a month. Maybe longer. I will leave when i'm ready. I will leave when i get tired of walking around the city. When i've sat under enough trees with a sandwich in one hand and a book in another. When my heart tells me that it's time to return to this place i call home.

 

Home.

           Discombobulating.

 

This morning, i went to the nearby pool for a swim. After an hour of laps, i came home, had my shower, made myself a cup of coffee, toasted two slices of the walnut loaf, slathered on some "I can't believe it's not butter!" and stood in the kitchen, facing the bright sunlight streaming through the window and reading Living Faith's reflection for the day. It was so enjoyable, so simple- normalcy infused with everydayness.

 

I remained standing there with my coffee in hand, long after the bread was devoured- drinking in simplicity and joy, breathing out fear and sadness and uncertainty.

 

"She would have to rearrange her face and go join them. Any minute now, she would. But for a while she went on sitting there, clutching her homely little lamp and gathering courage." (pp.174)

 

 

 

On the day i called, You answered me

Below are some photos i took at the musical last night. I've watched it a grand total of three times now, since i was an usher on Thursday and Friday and part of the paying audience yesterday. I caught up with old friends and had a chance to dress up for three nights in a row so i really can't complain much. Have a great Sunday everyone!

Me and Julian (who acted as Francis and still had his stage make-up on, if you were wondering.) 

The girls- Marianne, Loretta, Me, Jo, Rel and Felicia 

Me and Jo 

Me and Jac 

Me and Shane (who was born to play the role of Delio!) 

Me and Vic (he played the roles of both Francis' father and the sultan) 

Lyn and me 

Me and Kester 

Bern and me 

Morning poem 

Ps. You don't have to squint! If you didn't know this already, you can click the photos for a bigger image!

I know who holds tomorrow

I just came back from watching a musical depicting the life of St.Francis of Assisi. Julian, my friend, played the role of Francis and he was AMAZING!
I've known Julian since i was 17 and developed a huge crush on him then. Can you blame me? He is so very talented, being able to play the guitar, sing and compose songs. He is intelligent yet humble about his academic abilities. He's a great writer. He is articulate. He respects women. He's really funny. He's attractive.
You get the idea.
We became closer in the university and i'm now very proud to call him my friend. I may not have a crush on him at the age of 23, but i can recognise a good man when i see one. And this guy is going to make some girl very, very happy one day.
There are many things to thank God for today- i was anxiety-attack free for the first time in days, i watched Ella Enchanted with my friend Candice and was laughing quite a bit throughout the entire movie, Candice gave me a Cranberry glitter bar soap from The Body Shop, we had dinner at this place called Cedele which serves yummy Curried Pumpkin soup and Strawberry Balsamic cake (we spent quite a while deciding which of the delicious looking cakes to get!) and then there was the musical.

I am rather pleased. :)

[Oh, my two other good friends Shane and Victor were also in the musical and they were terrific! Shane played his role as Delio fabulously and had us all in stitches. Vic was majestic as the king and his presence was definitely felt by all present. I'm so proud of all of them for the effort they put in.]

Anything but ordinary

I'm no coffee connoisseur but i do love a good cuppa. Drinking coffee, to me, is an experience, almost sacred. It's the way i carefully meausure out 2 teaspoons of coffee, 1 1/2 tablespoons of sugar and some condensed milk. It's the way i watch the steam emanate from my mug. It's the way i lift the mug to my nose to breathe in the scent of happiness.
Then again, it's not only the way the coffee is made but the time you make it- in the morning, when it gets you prepared for a long day ahead or in the afternoon, when it accompanies you (and a slice of chocolate cake) as you sit down with a good book.
But wait, one musn't forget the people one drinks coffee with. Maybe you prefer sitting at a cafe, savouring the temporary solitude amidst the madness of the world outside. Or maybe you enjoy your coffee better when a good friend is sitting beside you at Starbucks, slurping an ice-blended while you gossip.
 
Coffee is just good, my friends. It's just good.

The words He says are hard to understand

When the shadows are closing in

And your spirit diminishing

Just remember you're not alone

 And love will be there

To guide you home

-Mariah Carey, Anytime you need a friend

 

The last time i was caught in the throes of depression, i turned to the Bible that lies on my side table and flipped open to a page randomly, landing on the book of Job. I started reading, through tears that didn't seem to stop.

I have often asked (maybe 'yelled' would be a more apt word to use) God why I had to suffer: "Why me?"

When i didn't receive an answer, i asked Him what good could come out of my being depressed so often. If you've gone through this before, you know how tiring it is to feel sad all the time, how it can sap every last bit of energy you have and make you wish you were dead.

But that particular question was left answered too.

However, i've since come to accept the fact that God often brings trials our way, trials which surpass all human understanding. I could spend all day demanding explanations from He who made us or i could believe that there is indeed a reason for everything and that the reason will be revealed in His time.

Job was put through tests and he cried out to God, wondering why he, a seemingly righteous man, had to go through trials he didn't deserve.

But God answered him, saying: "Who is it that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" (Job 38:2)

 

Just an hour ago, i was so overwhelmed by sadness that i could do nothing but cry.

And then i picked up the Bible and turned to Job, reading passages that i had read so many times before. It wasn't Job questioning God anymore. It was me.

I listened to my Michael Card CD, which never fails to calm me down, and told God that i accepted whatever trial he was putting me through. I may not like it, I may question, i may even be angry for having to go through something i cannot fathom, but i accept it.

 

Now i just need to wait patiently for answers.

 

I was not hopeless though I'd been lost

 

 

Below are some photos i took whilst brisk walking at the beach this evening. Today was one of those days that made me appreciate life in the tropics. I thank God for wonderful weather, good companions and digital cameras. :)
 
 

The tropics 

Tree, sky and sea 

Trees and sky 

The jetty 

The jetty 

Bougainvilleas
 

Sunset 

And life becomes the bigger noise

I wish you were just a phonecall away.

But you're not

and that's that.

I hear the clock, it's 6am...

"Re-enacted shot of the Tale of me and the alarm clock"
 
I was supposed to have woken up at 6am to go for mass at the Church of St.Vincent De Paul (not my usual parish).
The alarm rang. I looked at time and promptly went back to sleep only to suddenly open my eyes 25 minutes later.
This, unfortunately, left me with a measely TEN minutes to get showered and changed and meet Darren who was waiting downstairs. Thank goodness for cars and such because we miraculously made it for mass on time at 7am (even after missing an exit!).
 
But it was worth it. I really listened to the homily the priest delivered and the songs the choir chose excellently complemented the theme of the mass this week.
It made me realise just how much was missing from the mass my own choir sang for last night. I can't put my finger on what exactly is amiss with my church- with the congregation, priests, choirs, animators and just about everyone else.
It took a mass in another parish to make me aware of the wrongness i feel sometimes in my church and for that i'm glad. There are many things i cannot change but there are some things i can.
I have hope that mass next week can be made a little different, a little better for everyone involved. With God's grace, of course. We can't forget Him.
 
In other news, i saw fireworks last night (see pictures below)!! If you know me, you'd know that i love fireworks and can stand rooted to a spot, completely enthralled. There's just something so...magical about them.  
 
Before i sign off, i must thank the fabulous Jen Jen who called me from the Jamie Cullum showcase last Friday to let me listen to a few of his songs. Actually, she's been voted my "person-of-the-week" because not only did she alert me to the fact that one of the radio stations was giving away tickets to the showcase, she text messaged me every time it was time to call in to win the tickets!
Alas, they wanted caller no.12 and i was both caller no.1 and no.10 the times i managed to actually get through.
As they say: You win some, you lose some. Except i've never really won anything...
Ah well. Have a good Sunday everyone and remember not to "worry and fret" about the little things.  

Fireworks III

Fireworks I

Fireworks II

Higher to reach but further to fall

It's 9pm and we're driving to a spot opposite the airport, by the sea, to watch the planes land.
The lights from each aeroplane that flies by illuminate the sea, making everyone who's watching "ooh" and "aah". The cold wind that blows in from the sea makes us wish we were decked out in more than just a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

And then the plane is just above us, whizzing past. It ceases to be simply big chunks of metal welded together to carry people from one continent to another. Instead, it represents the future- dreams that will realised and prayers that will be answered.

I want to reach up and touch the plane above me. I feel like i can.
I raise my hand and tip-toe.
I realise i'm not only reaching for the plane. I'm also reaching for the unknown. I'm also reaching for the stars.

Soon, the plane lands at the airport and our attention is shifted to another plane that starts to fly in from a far-off place. The sea is once again illuminated and a child in front of us puts his hands to his ears to lessen the loud roar of the engines as we look up to the velvety blue skies above us to catch plane no.2.

An hour passes.

We get back into the car and drive away. I can't help feeling a little sad. Seeing aeroplanes at night does that to me.
I hear the opening bars to Cyndi Lauper's True Colors:

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Oh, I realize

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness, inside you

Can make you feel so small

The night seems to be cloaked in melancholy.

I look out of the window throughout the entire car ride home, letting the sadness wash over me and then settle into a corner of my heart where it will stay, only to reappear the next time we watch the planes fly by.

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful

 

Some evenings, i find that there's nothing better than sitting down to a cup of tea, a chocolate chip bun (that leaves chocolate stains on your fingers-would we want it any other way?) and a good magazine, like Real Simple. The radio plays nice music in the background, music that reminds you of the time you sat down with friends, sharing wine, pizza and girl talk. Good times.

 

In other news, i have a new pair of glasses, which i am loving. They make me feel as if i can be anyone i want to be. They make me feel satisfied. They make me feel like i may never want to wear my contacts again. And that's saying a lot.

 

Have a good weekend everyone.

You are the breeze that carries me on

It was a rather cool afternoon and i was stetched out comfortably on my bed, reading. Needless to say, i took a short snooze before waking up 30 minutes later, at 4pm, with the sun shining in through my window. I immediately knew what i had to do.

I put on my lovely blue running shoes, took my discman, inserted one of my 'happy' CDs and made my way to the beach for a walk.

It was fabulous to be outdoors, with the blue skies above me and the calm waters beside me.
You're so serene.
Careening through the universe, Your axis on a tilt, Guiltless and free

I needed that walk to realise, to understand how everything had come full-circle for me. And that it was finally time for me to live my life.

Moments of clarity, like the one i had, do not come by often so when they do, they must be treasured. There i was at the beach, wanting to skip, to dance.
I walked with a smile on my face.

Will these memories fade when i leave this town?

So, my mortar board didn't fall off my head and i didn't trip and fall in front of all my professors- it was definitely a good day for me!

This morning, i graduated with an honours degree in Sociology, with my family poudly cheering me on. Not only did i receive closure regarding my years as an undergraduate, i also saw someone (a man, if you must know) i used to like very, very much and felt...nothing. Did i still think him to be as handsome as before? Of course. But for once, my heart didn't race and i wasn't struck dumb (like i usually am in his presence). He smiled, congratulated me and That.Was.It.

It's finally, finally time to move on and fall in love again.

This morning, i graduated with an honours degree in Sociology and it was good.



My thesis supervisor, Dr.Saroja, and Me 

Me and Pearl