I tried so hard

I don't understand why it's so difficult sometimes. This morning, i made myself go out for breakfast. To do something that would make me happy. To forget. I hate that it's my rest day and instead of resting, i'm annoyed, angry, restless and upset. How is it that another person can make me feel this way? And why is it that i can't look beyond this and let it go.

Next year, i'm determined to go for a conference in New York. I'll work hard and get myself a place there. Things will change for me.

Worth

Today, i baked a carrot cake with orange cream cheese frosting to the soundtrack from Amelie. I had it with a cup of coffee for afternoon tea. Now, i try to keep warm. It feels like winter all over again. So cold. I sit and write, trying to think. I am also intriged by some videos from youtube discussing notions of beauty sparked by Dove's "Evolution" video. Now i indulge in some self-reflexivity. What is beauty? What am i worth?

A secret place

Today, i discovered another cafe on Crown St. in Surry Hills. I've been wanting to visit it for almost a year now but somehow, never did. Today however, fortuitously, i sat myself down and ordered a skim cappucino and fig and walnut toast. It's a small cafe which probably sits about seven people comfortably inside and about four outside. It has a lovely French feel to it, with items such as Pain au Chocolat and Bonne Mamma Jam on the menu written in a lovely cursive script and peach-coloured roses sitting in glass vases. (I remembered then that i need to learn French soon). It also serves croissants, a whole range of toast (including sour cherry) and sandwiches. The staff are smiley and my coffee was just the way i liked it. They gave me three slices of the fig and walnut toast, which was really generous i thought. And altogether, it only cost me $6.50. Bargain. It's been a long time since i went to a cafe and felt completely alive, like my dreams could come true and that life will be everything i thought it would be. And then some.
For the afternoons i feel like i need some Gen time, i will walk down in a flowy dress, order a coffee and a biscuit, listen to the sweet music playing, watch the people outside walk hurriedly and then. Rest.

On another note, the jacaranda trees are blooming! That means exam time is near and that means, more marking for me. Hurrah.

Back where i belong

I am counting down the days till i go home for Christmas. Not long. Just 2 months. It seem like eternity. Maybe it's writing about home and reading about home and trying to academise home. Maybe i miss seeing the familiar and doing the familiar. Like sitting on my armchair (which my dad has since claimed) and devouring books after the last exam had ended, knowing i had three glorious months off. I miss watching a late afternoon movie at Lido with Mel or Rel and then coming out to a dark night, drizzle and wet sidewalks. The Christmas light-up and the rain would fill the air with romance. We would walk across the road to Starbucks, sit by our favourite window and order the Christmas drink. Really. It was that simple. Evening runs at the beach with my discman playing something Hillsong or my own evening mix. Sunday dinners with my aunties. The dismal walk home after. Nights spent staring out of the window dreaming about escaping.

And now i'm here. In this place i call...i call what? A transition? Second home? A place to rebuild myself?

I am rebuilding myself in a place where no one has known me for more than two years. Where i can pretend to be anyone i one. Except i am more myself now than i ever was. But it gets lonely sometimes. I was never alone in Singapore. There was always someone to see or something to do. Here, i spend my days alone at home, at uni, having coffee. Then Jon comes over and i forget about being lonely. Push it to the back of my mind. But then today comes, and it's back to sitting here with myself for company. Everything comes with a price.

What would it be like to have Jon with me in my home this Christmas? I will take him to my Starbucks, to my library, to my church, to my teh tarik store, to Borders, to Marche, to Little India. We will spend Christmas together. Someone new at our annual Christmas brunch filled with so much food. Walking at the beach, holding hands and having everyone stare at white and brown together. And then New Year's. Where we herald in a new year. Together. Our year.
I have the pleasure of bringing someone i love into my home, my world as i knew it. Two more months that feel like eternity.

Here we are

It's a daydreamy sort of day. I want to do little else apart from reading new blogs and discovering new lives and of course, daydreaming. Some days, i dream about my house by the sea which i will one day have. Other days, i dream that i sleep restfully throughout the night. And then on other days, i dream about the children Jon and i will have. I've seen some anglo-indian kids around church but what will our bubbies look like? Will they have black curly hair and dark brown eyes like me? Or will they be an in-between- in between black and blond hair and brown and blue eyes? We think we will have yummy caramel babies who will be somewhat tall since i'm brown as and he's white as and we're both tall-ish. But i just want to know. Will they inherit my love for Creation or will they inherit Jon's restful, gentle nature. Will they inherit my Gilmore Girls/The OC/Summerland/One tree Hill marathon watching personality or will they instead know html at the back of their hands, read Proust in their spare time and poo-poo mummy's love for teenage melodramas?

But most importantly, will they inherit my hawk-like beak nose?

Fly the great wide world and have it all

This is what i found after Jon cut the watermelon last night (And no, he didn't carve it in!). How absolutely bizarre...but serendipitous. This is the second time it's happened to us. Another time, we found that parts of the bark of a tree had rotted away to form a love heart. Really, it's all strange.

Speaking of watermelons, thank the Lord for them as it is 35 degrees celcius here today and i am so, so hot that my lips and tongue are dry. I'm not a fan of disgustingly hot and dry weather, being brought up in the tropics but what to do. I'll just sit at my desk, eat watermelon and watch The Gilmore Girls.

Superfreak

I am loving:

1. The weekend markets at paddington and Bondi. FIVE dresses have been bought. (Not loving beeing pooed on by a bird...while i was eating!)

2. Feeling absolutely beautiful in all the dresses. I am pleased with my body.

3. Chilli con carne being cooked for over two hours on the stove.

4. The start of a one week no meat, no processed food fast.

5. Celebrating 6 months of loving with Jon tomorrow.

6. The Gilmore Girls Season 5 on DVD.

7. Extra hot soy flat white with honey in a mug from Brown's. For $2.50.

8. Seeing how a diamond looks on my finger. It was hard to give it back.

9. Bobby on Australian Idol. Wow!

10. My life at the moment.

It has been a perfect weekend.

The exit's here- it's waiting just for you

It's been a fantastic October long weekend. Friday night, Jon and i went to the Opera House forecourt to see a symphony (it was free!). Unfortunately, we had a long Japanese dinner before and by the time we got there, they weren't admitting people in because it was too full. We walked to the Rocks and had drinks at Starbucks. We also took the BUS, which we haven't done since we got our car. It wasn't very fun and we missed our car. So, the next day, we took him (our car, Abe) to the car wash and got him washed, vacuumed and polished. I couldn't recognise him after.

Saturday, we sat in Borders and read magazines till i was tired. Sunday, we went to the factory outlets to see if there were any good bargains. I bought a mug and Jon bought 2 beautiful shirts. I went into almost every store but could find nothing. Meanwhile, i found so many lovely things for Jon! I'm so glad he likes my taste. Then, we found an easy park (YESSSS!) and went to shop for groceries. We had to return home in time for Jon to watch his team play in the Rugby League finals. Big, strong, handsome men doing their thing on the field- why would i complain? They won! I cooked chicken soup as we were both sick and retired to my study to use the computer. And then, we watched Love Actually, the uncensored version which was never shown in Singapore. It was a nice movie to watch with my boy.
Monday, we went to Bronte beach to work out our schedule for the next year. Many, many (exciting) things to do. It was a beautiful morning. Being at the beach, smelling the saltwater, reminds me how much i love Sydney.

Jon and i tried to take some 'us' photos. I actually just wanted photos of myself in my glamorous sunglasses.

After, the beach, we headed to Roxy's birthday picnic at Ball head reserve in North Sydney. We got to drive over the Sydney harbour bridge, always very exciting, especially when there's no traffic and no cars honking at you when you go to the wrong toll booth and end up having to reverse ON THE BRIDGE to find another toll booth. But the picnic was lovely and we had a fun time with our friends.

It was such a relaxing day and some good, grown-up conversations (about money and suburbs)were had.

Mike and Roxy had prepared a feast (meat and drinks not shown), which ended with chocolate mousse and lemon tart. Oh, it was all good.

And then, suddenly, the weather made a turnaround and it got chilly. We packed our things and went back to Mike and Roxy's for tea, coffee and games. We had the bestest time with lovely people. And now, a new week begins. Jon and i have learnt so much over this weekend (not easy) and we reckon that things are changing for us in many ways. I can't wait!