I guess this is it.
I'm off to pray for a while before i leave for the airport in an hour.
Hands are shaking.
I'm afraid.

But i will be ok.
I will be ok.

Blessed with understanding

I'm almost packed.
This is real.
You have no idea how much i'm going to miss you.
I want to cry.
But i won't.
I cannot.

I love looking at the stained glass in my church when it's morning and the sun's rays filter through. I have an urge to kneel in front of the altar. To cry, to shout but also to sing.
Because there still resides in me, despite all of this sadness and anxiety, a sort of joy that understands this: I am a child of God.

There really is nothing else i can cling to.

White lace and promises

I love weddings.
I love love.

Now you're the only sane thing that i have

She's going a mile a minute, feet racing like sunbeams.
-From an ad for Trex- The deck of a lifetime

I’m a busy little bumblebee now. I need to pack, make lunch, watch my Girl with a pearl earring DVD, return the DVD, buy a jacket and daily disposable contact lenses, write my reflection for mass tomorrow, have tea (one should never be too busy as to miss tea. Tea is sacred.), go for a walk, meet Marilyn to discuss the musical, go for choir practice and..oh, i'm sure i'm forgetting something. Ah well.

Yesterday, i met Melissa for tea. We had waffles with ice-cream and maple syrup and an Auntie Amy's chewy chocolate fudge cake. Both the food (especially the cake. Oh, the cake.) and companionship were fantabulous.
I went back to my aunt's place, had fish and chips for dinner while watching Singapore Idol. I was rooting for David. He got in! Yay. :)

A while ago, it rained. Just for a few minutes. But the wind was strong enough for me to catch a whiff of sea water. Standing in my parents' bedroom, i could hear the strains of Five for Fighting's Superman (It's not easy) playing in my bedroom. I'm just out to find the better part of me...up, up and away, away...looking for special things inside of me...

It was a moment.

I'm getting excited about my trip. This could potentially be a life-changing experience for me.

And You, i love you.

At 10:30 in the morning, Rebecca and i waved goodbye to Rachael (who was too happy crawling to even notice) and my aunt and left for the library. We spent about an hour and a half there. Only ten minutes was spent reading.
On the way back, we played a game called "Stepping on the big leaves", where Rebecca had to step on every big leaf she saw.
We skipped the rest of the journey home.

Why

Saturday was bad.
Sunday doesn't seem to be going very well either.

Life.

You must not stay sleeping and dallying in the house,
though your built it, or though it has been built for you.
Allons! out of the dark confinement!

I will try, Walt Whitman. I will try.

We start our walking and learn to run

Mornings hold so much promise.
I had coffee, toast and a blueberry muffin for breakfast.
I heard We've only just begun by The Carpenters. Just as i did last Saturday morning.

In other news, i had a great dim sum dinner last night at the red-light district. If only it wasn't raining. Next week will be the last of our Friday night dinners, at least until i get back from Australia.

Australia. I'll be in Australia in the springtime!

If you asked me to, i just might give my heart

If all goes well, i'll be able to take some wedding photos next week. It's time to start making my dream of becoming a (part-time) photographer come true. I'm going to start selling my prints online so if you're a local and would like to buy something, please drop me a note. The cost of each print will be posted soon.

Speaking of weddings, i know it's probable premature of me to even think about the details of my own ceremony, but because i'm me, i'll do it anyways.
Some women have known the kind of dress they'd like to wear since they were 5. Me, I know the sort of wedding invitation i want. Not since i was 5, no. But since Monday this week.
It's going to be one of those accordian card-a-thingys with a black and white candid shot of us on each page. Us laughing hystercially at something or another, us holding hands, us eating ice-cream, my head on your shoulder.
The words will be in a pretty, cursive font.

I can just see it all in my mind.
I don't want a fancy wedding. I just want a joyous one.
With lots of dancing.

And i want Sting's I was brought to my senses played.

Let me heal your beautiful pain

I wandered to the kitchen every few minutes just to smell the blueberry lemon loaf baking.

It smelled like happiness on a sunshine-filled afternoon.

I poured the lemon glaze over the loaf while it was still warm from the oven.
Unable to wait for the cake to cool, I cut it up into eight slices.

I bit into a slice.
I closed my eyes.
It was divine.

There is nothing in the world that cannot be, if you believe

If you believe that dreams come true

There's One that's waiting there for you

-Rachael Lampa, If you believe

I just watched A walk to remember. Again.
I can only hope that i will love and be loved in return. Someday.

And she smiles when she feels like crying

The thing about making bargains with God is this: One must be very specific.
If you read last night’s entry, you’d know that I asked God to wake me up happy. Alas, my lack of foresight meant that I didn’t ask him not to send stomach cramps my way.

So, I did wake up feeling rather happy and my walk at the beach this morning was rather rejuvenating. I used my splendid new phone to take photos of my favourite trees. Now, that made me very, very satisfied.

A little later in the morning, I made a trip to the nearby supermarket to get the ingredients for the pasta I was going to make for some friends for dinner tonight. At the check-out counter, unfortunately, I blacked out from the terrible pain that was slowly spreading across my entire lower abdomen. Miraculously, I paid for my groceries and actually managed to walk home, albeit a little unsteady.

Once I reached my gate, the mayhem started. Things are a little hazy now because I was dead to the world for a while but I think it went something like this: I lay on my bed, felt nauseous, went to the toilet to throw up but couldn’t. My mum was holding me throughout all of this because I couldn’t stand straight. My legs were weak, I was breaking out in cold sweat and was shaking terribly. I had to sit down in the toilet. On the floor. My mum moved me to the chair and I put my head on the table and this is where things got a little strange. My eyes were closed and I felt like I wasn’t there (if you know what I mean) but I could hear my mum calling my name and trying to get me to wake up. I think I scared her pretty badly.

She called up our doctor and told him that we’d be there in a while because when I regained consciousness, I realised that it would probably be best to get some medical help. We walked up the stairs to the lift before I told her that there was no way I could possibly walk to the doctor, although he’s situated just three minutes away. So back home we went.

A few minutes later, I had a surge of energy (from God I guess. Maybe He felt sorry for me?) and decided that walking to the doctor would be better than having to call for an ambulance or something later if things got worse.

We walked. We arrived. The doctor asked me some questions and I must have answered them rather incoherently because his forehead was all scrunched up trying to understand me. He remembered all my million and one NSAID allergies in time (thank goodness because I would have ended up with swollen eyes if he had injected me with any medicine from the NSAID family.) and jabbed (ok, if niceties are to observed, let's call it injected) me with buscopan on the hip. I must have looked pretty shaken up because he offered to drive me home! But my mum said we’d be fine walking. If i had been a tad more alert, i would have accepted the ride home. I guess my mum was just shy.

So we reached home and once again, I lay on my bed, on my new clean sheets. Incredulous as it may seem, that’s what I was thinking about- that I was going to be sick on my clean, pretty, pale blue, checkered sheets. Please, you don’t have to tell me I’m crazy. That fact has been rather well established.

Anyways, after coming home, I:

• Threw up. (Finally)
• Took a ten minute nap.
• Was slightly happy to notice that the pain was subsiding.
• Felt good enough to walk to the living room to catch Oprah.
• Ate some porridge.
• Took stemetil for my dizziness/vomiting and codeine for my pain.
• Trudged back to the room to take another nap with a hot water bottle resting heavily on my abdomen.
• Slept.
• Woke up in pain.
• Felt nauseous.
• Went back to the bathroom.
• Clutched my stomach as i wondered why the blasted codeine AND buscopan jab wasn't working.
• Went back to my room.
• Laid on my bed trying not to cry. For once, realised that crying wasn't going to help.
• Was surprised at my own maturity for two seconds before i curled up into a ball and groaned.
• Tried to go back to sleep.
• Couldn't.
• Suddenly dawned on me that i could try praying. Asked Mother Mary to interceed since i figured she'd be more sympathetic to womanly problems.
• Turns out she is. I fell asleep almost instantaneously.
• Woke up at 4:30pm, just in time to catch Newlyweds.
• Chastised myself for missing The Ashlee Simpson Show which was at 4pm.
• Listened to Nick and Jessica's rendition of O Holy Night and wished it was Christmas.
• Switched off the TV. Continued reading Nicholas Sparks' A bend in the road.

Now, it's evening and i'm thinking about the pasta i didn't make and the blueberry and lemon bread i didn't bake.

However, i'm also realising the absence of fear throughout my entire ordeal. I was in pain, yes. But i wasn't afraid. Not like when i'm having my panic attacks and feel absolutely terrified.

Mental disorders can kill because they mess with your mind and make you believe that you're not good enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough. Brave enough. But you are.

I find this entry to be rather amusing. Almost everything, in retrospect, is.

Come rescue this child

I guess when you’re desperate enough, you start making bargains with God.
And I’m desperate, so here goes:

If you let me wake up happy tomorrow, I will sit at the piano and write a song for the musical.

Because really, today just sucked. It sucked so bad that there is no energy left for even an ounce of eloquence.

But till that morning, there's a'nothin can harm you

It rained. It finally rained. The smell of wet earth lingers late into the evening. Walking home, i took deep breaths, wanting to remember this freshness, for tomorrow, the heat and humidity will probably return.

As i walked past the synagogue in the late afternoon, i was reminded of my visit to it four years ago when i was taking an introductory Anthropology class and had to visit a place of worship other than my own. I remember walking up nervously to the man at the door and asking if i could sit in for the service. He showed me the way to the second floor because that's where women are supposed to sit. I sat down and looked at the men walking around in the first level, thinking about how out-of-place i felt. Then a woman appeared beside me (a blonde in a pink suit), smiled and sat down. She went on to explain the entire service to me and i spent a while wondering if i should actually be reciting the prayers (would God mind?). Fortunately, that problem was solved because most of it was in Hebrew, a language i neither read, write nor understand. I did end up following whatever was in English though because i didn't see any reason not to. I went into the synagogue a naive 18-year old and came out feeling something akin to awe. I had experienced the religion of Jesus, if only for a few minutes.

Today, i saw a man with a beard wearing a yarmulke. Now, you must understand that the Jewish community here is very small and it's not everyday that one gets to see a man in a yarmulke walking along the streets. I tried to hide a smile as he walked hurriedly to the synagogue. I had forgotten about the menorah, the Torah...and yes, the yarmulke. But this man reminded me of Judaism and traditions. And that made me happy.

On the bus ride home, i heard Tom's Diner on my little radio and that reminded me of Mel and Christmas in July.

Now, i sit here typing and think of Gershwin's Summertime and Love Changes Everything from the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, Aspects of Love.

This reminds me of that and that reminds me of thisthat.

Love, Love changes everything:
Days are longer, Words mean more.
Love, Love changes everything:

Pain is deeper than before.

The twilight side of the hill

Mirabelle lies back on her bed holding the photos like a gin hand. Each one is a ticket to the past; each reveals a moment, not only in the faces but in the furniture and other objects in the background. She remembers that rocker, she remembers that magazine, she remembers that porcelain souvenir from Monticello. She stares into these photos, enters them. She knows that even though the same people and the same furniture are outside her door, the photo cannot be re-created, reposed and snapped again, not without reaching through time. Everything is present but untouchable. This melancholy stays with her until sleep, and she loves being held by it, but she cannot figure out why these photos are so powerful beyond their obvious nostalgic tug.

-Steve Martin, Shopgirl, pp.93

My dad comes into my room to ask me how i'm feeling and to tell me that he's there if i need him. He tells me that the doctor has asked him about my well-being, to which he (my dad) replied: "Apart from the occassional bouts of moodiness, she seems fine." I calmly tell my dad that i'm going to ask the doctor to increase the dosage of my anti-anxiety pills. I also tell him that i'm tired of talking about it because unelss you've been through what i'm going through, you just cannot understand. And that's just the way it is.

My dad then looks at my photo wall and glances at all the photos i've put up. I'm smiling in all of them because that's what you do, don't you? You smile for the camera. My dad looks sad for a moment as he wonders what happened to the girl in the photos. He doesn't need to say anything. I can tell by his expression. He mourns for the daughter i once was.

I sit in my chair and mourn for the girl i used to be. One...two...thee minutes.

Then i give a little shrug and say: "Dad, i'm not unhappy now."

And you know what? I'm not.

I am frightened by the load i bear. Help me be strong.

This weekend, Catholics all over the world celebrate the Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Mass at my church was simply beautiful. Singing with cheerful hearts and with conviction makes all the difference. And when June sang the psalm i composed with such reverence, i could only thank God for giving me this gift of music which i treasure with all my heart.
I'm a little too overwhelmed (seems like this is my favourite word to describe mass these days. Well, it sure is apt.) right now to say more but everything just made sense. I'll leave you with the reflection i prepared for the congregation before mass, inspired by Amy Grant's Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) which i listened to about 8 times this morning.

Lord, we thank you for the gift of Mary, our Mother- a woman specially chosen by you to bring your son into the world.

It couldn't have been easy for her, being visited by an angel who revealed that she, a virgin, would bear a child, a son, who would be Son of God. But her faithfulness allowed her to surrender herself to God's plan, even if she couldn't understand it fully.

Lord, let us remember Mary's holiness, courage, strength, faithfulness and trust in You, her God. Let her be our role model as we live our lives, not merely as ordinary people, but as Your people, as Christians.

Just as Mary received her strength from you, let us too look to you for strength when we feel too weary to go on.

Just as Mary's faith enabled her to trust you even when she was feeling frightened, let us too take concrete steps to develop our faith lives- by reading scripture, by praying with family and friends and most importantly, by believeing that our faith will see us through troubling, doubting and frightening times.

Lord, let us offer up ourselves to the mercy of Your plan, as Mary did.

And then help us be strong.

Amen.

When the road has been too long

Dinner at Thai Express with Adrian, Jus and Darren was good. I feel comfortable enough with all of them to rattle on about my fear of having some serious neurological problem. And they know about the anxiety attacks and depression so i can be moody without being questioned relentlessly. I do feel a bit better now so i guess you're right, Darren. The three of you did cheer me up. :)

A trip to Video Ezy thereafter resulted in A Walk to Remember, Big Fish and Punch-Drunk Love being borrowed. I've watched the first before and absolutely loved it but i want to watch it again before passing it to Darren.

Maybe i should have had that ice-cream after all. Next week?

Bette Midler's The Rose is playing on Gold 90 now. I loved that song as a young girl. I still do.

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

You left me just when i needed you most

Last night left me wondering where God is when you need him the most.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

So, I went for the Singapore Idol recording and had the time of my life. Jo looked absolutely gorgeous in her pink dress and she sang Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered beautifully. I could hardly breathe during her whole performance because to watch her on stage is an experience in itself. She’s a born performer.
Alas, the judges gave her dismal comments. Don’t we all hate naysayers? And the chief judge, Ken, called her Joanne instead of Joanna, which infuriated me so much that I (and my other friend Joanna seated beside me) shouted out “It’s JoannA!” before being shushed by the floor manager. They’ll probably edit that bit out but really, I know Jo and she absolutely HATES it when people call her Joanne (not that there’s anything wrong with the name Joanne. I know many Joannes and they’re all lovely.). It’s simply a matter of having your name messed up in a television show. And not just any show, but Singapore Idol.
In my opinion, only Jo and two other girls (one sang I will survive and the other, If I ain’t got you (by Alicia Keys)) deserve to go through to the next round. There was this really cute guy (a nurse) whose voice, unfortunately, didn’t match his good looks. Chris was in this round too and he sang Your song. I have a soft spot for him. He looked so…eager during his rendition of this tune. Maybe the female population will put him through. He is boyishly handsome.

Once the Idol recording was over, Shane, Andrea and I took a cab down to City Hall so they could take a train back home and I, a bus.
And here’s where everything went wrong.

As I was waiting for the bus, I noticed that my hands were shaking terribly and that the tips of my fingers were turning blue. I could hardly stand up straight and my head was beginning to hurt. Trying not to be alarmed, I reached for my phone to call home. But my phone had died.

This was when I started getting slightly hysterical.
I tried to hail a cab but none of them wanted to stop. For a whole 20 minutes. I started praying, aloud, telling God that now would be a good time for Him to send some help my way.
But He remained silent.

I walked up to a woman and asked to borrow her phone and she looked at me suspiciously. But she did lend it to me and I called up my aunt, trying not to cry.
By this time, I was more than slightly hysterical for my heart was beating too fast for comfort and it did feel as if I was going to faint at any second. Still, I was sane enough to board a bus, though I hopped off when I saw a cab waiting a few stops away.
Once in the cab, I sipped some water for my mouth had gone very, very dry.
I reached my aunt’s place in ten minutes and sobbed for about an hour as I ate some toast and drank some warm Horlicks. With swollen, bloodshot eyes, I went to take a shower and then gratefully climbed into bed.

I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. I always thought that God would be there for me even if everyone else abandoned me.
But last night, he seemed very, very far away.
And I’m not sure if I can go to church tomorrow, feeling this way.

I just don't understand any of this and i'm not even sure if i'll understand it later. Anti-anxiety pills cum mood stabilisers are obviously not working.

Starry-eyed and vaguely disconnected

I'm as busy as a spider spinning daydreams
I'm as giddy as a baby on a swing
I haven't seen a crocus or a rosebud or a robin on the wing
But I feel so gay in a melancholy way
That it might as well be Spring

-It might as well be spring

Isn’t the flower a gorgeous shade of pink? Candice gave it to me a while ago when I met her at the Library@Esplanade to (purportedly) do some reading. Instead, we ended up sitting on the sofa and whispering about friends who were getting married. One of our friends is tying the knot in September and he only starting dating his fiancé in January this year!
I believe that it is highly possible to know when you’ve met the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, your soulmate. I’m a know-er myself (sadly, not when it comes to soulmates. At least, not yet.) so I understand fellow know-ers.
But the practical side of me finds this whole concept slightly dodgy.
Ah well. I’m probably the least apt of persons to comment on love, never having been in love before.
But maybe I will fall in love. Tomorrow, next week, next year. When I’m 30.

Today has been mostly good. June IM-ed this morning to tell me that she absolutely loves this week’s psalm (which she’s singing on Saturday for mass), I met Candice, received a flower, had a blueberry muffin and Chai latte for lunch, bought phone socks for my new phone (see pictures below) and now, Second Chance by 38 Special is playing on the radio- one of my favourite songs ever.
In a while, I shall be leaving for the Singapore Idol recording to see Jo perform. Hope she gets through. Maybe I’ll even see cute Chris and make Andrea very, very jealous.
Before I go get showered and changed (what should I wear??), I must say that I love having friends over at my place. On National day, my choir friends came over to watch the fireworks, the inaugural episode of Singapore Idol (which had us all in stitches) and the episode of Friends where Joey tries to learn enough French from Phoebe to get through his acting audition. Last night, Marilyn, San and Noel came over to watch the second Idol episode and Darren joined us later to fiddle on my computer and fill in some complicated questionnaire on biotechonology. The questions themselves made my head hurt but then again, Darren’s not me. He’s quite the brilliant one.

But I’m the one going for the Idol recording so…go me!!

Oh, oh, OH! This is the gorgeous new BLUE phone my dad bought me yesterday! I am pleased.


The outside

The inside- whose lovely face is that on the screen? :P

I cling to what i see

I don't usually leave the house in the afternoon if i can help it because it's just too hot. But today, after watching The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds (back-to-back episodes featuring the Simpson sisters! Life cannot get any better.), i decided to go to the nearby coffee shop to buy some tea to cheer myself up.
As i walked, i noticed the quietness that characterises life in the heartlands in the middle of the afternoon. People were strolling and chatting, with smiles on their faces. Even the trees seemed to be taking a short nap as they stood still.
Suddenly struck by the beauty of my neighbourhood, i closed my eyes for a second to take it all in. For the first time in days, my body felt a connection with my soul. It wasn't an 'A-ha!' moment but it was good.
In recent days, i've been thinking about my desire to go to graduate school abroad. Questioning my readiness to move, i felt my desire slowly evaporating. Maybe here is where i'm supposed to be. Maybe here is where my destiny lies. As i become more involved in my choir, i wonder if it will be possible to leave everything behind, bid everyone farewell and fly away.
But as i closed my eyes, something deep inside me stirred and i recalled all my dreams of being in a country with seasons, studying under world-reknowned professors and living independently. I remembered something i had read earlier this morning, that God's will is manifested in our deepest longings.
So as i start to write the script and the music for the musical my church is putting up for Christmas and as i prepare reflections and compose psalms, i will also write my research proposal and apply for my PhD scholarship. I will send in my applications and then i will wait.
If here is where i'm meant to be, here is where i'll stay. And i'm not going to be sad about it.
But if my scholarship application for grad school abroad gets accepted and if the universities like my proposal, then i will go.

Because "each must do as already determined" (2 Corinthians 9:7) and really, your treasure lies where your heart is.

Right. I began this entry wanting to write about the simple pleasures of life (see picture above) but i guess it turned into something different altogether.
But i did sit and have my tea whilst reading one of my favourite magazines.
So, it's all good.

So, here are the fireworks pictures as promised. Aren't they splendid?

It's official- i make good coffee.
If you're in my part of the island and are in need of a good cuppa, you know who to call. Hey, if you're nice to me, i may even bake you a cake. Now, wouldn't that be lovely?

To all Singaporeans, Happy National Day! I'm going to miss Prime Minister Goh.
Pictures of GORGEOUS fireworks to be posted tomorrow. I swear they get better every year.

Whatever's left inside her is gonna smile wider

Some days, all you need to do is lift your feet off of the sand and
swing, swing, swing.

Hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Laugh till your stomach aches.

Fear must be told that he cannot thrive in your life. Not anymore.

Imagine the tips of your feet touching the cloud shaped like an eagle.

As you start to swing, remember

joy

child-like faith

love.

And as you swing higher,

forgive

let go

move on.

Life is for living. Don't let it pass you by.

I cannot fool my heart

Do you know the feeling of wanting and yet...not wanting?
One minute you're certain...and the next minute you're not.
You thought you had everything figured out, your feelings resolved...and then something pierces through your heart, something so painfully desirable that you immediately tell yourself that it cannot be.
Because it really cannot be.

And if I'm ever the least unsure, I always remind myself
Though you're someone in this world that I'll always choose to love
From now on you're only someone that I used to love

And then, and then you move on.
You start to dream again.
You remind yourself that you're beautiful (you are.).
You are capable of being loved.
Indecisiveness gives way to something akin to...certainty.
Because as wonderful a person as he is, he is
Not The One For You.

And you're ok with that.

Your mercy awakens my soul

Adrian, Justyna, Darren and i consumed $80 worth of North Indian food last night. Granted, the food was delish.
But still. $80 is crazy! We did have a good time though, so maybe we can do Thai next week.

I love writing entries in the morning.

I've had a good day thus far ( i know it's only 9 in the morning, but i'm thankful for all the good moments.)- going for a walk at the beach with Hillsong in my discman, coming home to a nice warm shower, hearing The Carpenters' We've only just begun on the radio, having a cup of coffee, eating my toast at the front gate where it's windy, and now writing in here.

I'll probably become a tad stressed as the time for mass approaches later this evening. But it's only because i want things to go smoothly and for people to feel the presence of Christ through the songs we sing. I want the people in my choir to have the Holy Spirit burning deep within their hearts, wanting to minister to the congregation and acknowledging the wonderful gift they've been given- to be able to sing and play for God.
But who am i to plan all of this? I will leave today up to Him.

I will stand at my guard post,
and station myself upon the rampart,
And keep watch to see what he will say to me,
and what answer he will give to my complaint.

Habakkuk 2:1

I shall wait for his answer.

What do we do for our dream to survive?

I wish you could spend a day with me. We would take a walk at the beach in the morning and spend some time, in comfortable silence, standing between the trees that provide me with so much solace. The sun will will make our shoulders shine and the wind will lift the hair off of our necks. The waves will be our symphony. Then we'd head home for a cup of coffee and anything else your heart desires- oatmeal, cornflakes, toast and honey, pancakes, maybe the blueberry and lemon cake i made in anticipation of your arrival. With the radio on, we'd enjoy the morning sunshine streaming in through the kitchen window and make plans for the day. I would take you shopping in the heart of town and you will marvel at the number of malls we have and the number of people who are free enough to roam the malls at any hour of the day. Certainly, we will stop by Borders so you can see where i stand to browse through fashion magazines i never buy. We will abandon the underpass that links almost all the malls to walk outdoors so i can introduce you to one of many ice-cream sellers who set up stalls all over town. We would have one of their famous ice-cream sandwiches and sit down on a bench, laughing as the ice-cream dribbles down our chin. For tea, i must bring you to one of the hawker centres in the heartlands. You will be astounded at the amount of food there is but i must let you try some teh tarik, or sweet tea. One sip and you will be thanking me profusely for this wonderful, comforting drink. And then we could catch a movie in the cinema, where tickets are cheap and the seats, comfortable. We can buy popcorn, laugh hysterically and be kids again. By then, it will be nighttime. Where should i take you for dinner? What do you prefer? Indian? Thai? Chinese? Italian? Fusion? The choices are numerous. Maybe we could go to Starbucks after that for some coffee and conversation. Or Gelare for some waffles. Or Baker's Inn for some chocolate cake. Or Coffee Bean for their cheesecake. I'm terrible at making decisions so you have to choose. We will then wait for the bus that takes us home. As we stand at the bus-stop, we will be happy and content and you will tell me that this place i call home isn't so bad after all, not what i often make it out to be.

And then you will leave and i will remain in this place. Home. I will remember sitting down opposite Len, with my heels off and my left leg tucked under my right, listening to him talk about his days at Chapel Hill, North Carolina where there were pretty trees just beginning to turn orange as fall beckoned and snow in winter; where skies were bluer than blue and grass greener than green. I will remember listening and longing- longing to sit under a maple tree and read Sense and Sensibility or make a snowman with a carrot for a nose. Longing for seasons and renewal and change.

The next morning, i will wake up early and go for a swim at the pool. On my way back, the smell of freshly baked bread from the bakery will be intoxicating, making my my stomach growl. With haste, i will walk home. I will take a leisurely shower and as i stand in the kitchen to have my breakfast, with the sun streaming in through the window and Madonna singing You must love me on the radio, i will realise that this is home.

And i will be happy.

Where do we go from here?

This isn't where we intended to be

We had it all, you believed in me

I believed in you

Certainties disappear

What do we do for our dream to survive?

How do we keep all our passions alive,

As we used to do?

Things of the night

So there i was, stomping into the house- annoyed, worried, hungry, tired and with a torn shoe strap in hand- ready to hit my head against the wall.

And then i stepped into my room and saw a glorious sunset. I wasn't expecting one since it had been raining for most of the day and the sky was overcast.
It's humbling to know that despite all the pain, anger, suffering and tears we experience day after day,
the sun still sets.

It's cold, but there's always my pink terry cloth bathrobe to the resucue. :)

But i will get you by, i will try

Sunday afternoon
Having just baked some chocolate chip cookies, i turned on the stereo in the living room and got started on my mopping.
And then Shawn Colvin's I don't know why came on and i took a seat at the bench near my gate. It was quiet and the wind blowing in from the sea was slightly chilly, fortelling the rain that was about to fall. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment- perfect song, perfect time.

I don't know why the sky is so blue

And I don't know why I'm so in love with you

But if there were no music

Then I would not get through

I don't know why I know these things, but I do

I don't know why

But somewhere dreams come true

And I don't know where

But there will be a place for you

And every time you look that way

I would lay down my life for you

I don't know why I know these things, but I do

I don't know why

But some are going to make you cry

And I don't know how

But I will get you by, I will try

They're not trying to cause you pain

They're just afraid of loving you

I don't know why I know these things, but I do

I don't know why the trees grow so tall

And I don't know why I don't know anything at all

But if there were no music

Then I would not get through

I don't know why I know these things, but I do

I don't know why I know these things, but I do

I'm so afraid of falling in love. And yet, i want to.

Guess we'll just leave it at that for awhile.

What you've got, they can't steal it

Oh, to be alive on a morning such as this.
Walk on, walk on, walk on.



Feet

Morning light 

My spirit soars when my heart meets with Yours

Neither death, nor life
nor angels, nor rulers
nor trials in the present
nor any trial to come.
Neither height, nor depth,
nor all of creation,
can ever seperate us from the love of God
Poured out in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

I was listening to this song the entire afternoon as i got ready to go to church and it really prepared me for what was to come later.

Mass this evening was a beautiful experience for me.
There were moments throughout the entire celebration when all i wanted to do was lift up my hands in praise of God and yell "I love you, Lord" at the top of my voice. And then there were other moments where i closed my eyes and let the hymns and the rituals wash over me like rain after a drought. I played the organ and piano today and it felt so right, as if my soul was satisfied. Whenever i play these days, i play as if my life depends on it, so much so that it feels as if my heart has been laid out for everyone to see. My emotions have no place to hide, regardless of whether i'm upset, angry or happy.
What a wonderful gift i've been given- the gift of music that needs to be shared with everyone.
What a wonderful gift we've been given- the gift of Jesus.

I am overwhelmed by the extent of God's goodness. Matthew Kelly, in his book titled A Call to Joy describes joy as "the all-intoxicating feeling of becoming". Everyday is a struggle for me as i alternate between feeling really good about myself to having a knife in my hand and thinking how easy it would be to stab myself in the heart.
But joy is not happiness, which is so transient. Joy is a gift which resides in the heart, helping you up when you're plagued with troubling thoughts and reminding you to offer a prayer of thanksgiving when good things happen.
Joy has taken root in my heart. Has it in yours?

Joy of my days
You are my strength
Here i am sheltered in Your hand

Hillsong Australia, Let your kingdom come